16+ Mature Content

Gifted Vision

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

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The wind blew at horse's pace. The trees and the surroundings were getting treated with the flow of this storm. The bell at the old clock tower rang as both the hands met at 12. I searched around the street for a cab or any other means of transportation. The street I was in and the few following streets were all totally asleep. I called at home informing about the windy atmosphere and that I won't be able to come and would have a night stay somewhere near by. I carried with me my project prototype rather my dream and sat on a wrenched footpath wondering about how my interview went and if they liked my prototype. Soon it started to rain. I set the prototype beneath the roof of a store crossing the road and started looking for the help from nearby houses. I envisioned an old man just closing the door but couldn't. He was struggling. I approached him for help and he agreed. I took my prototype model and went inside the hut-like house. I closed the door. The night was dark as coal. He offered me a plate and it had idlis and chutney that my cellphone's torch helped to witness. I asked if he stayed alone. He shook his head. I finished my plate in less than 3 minutes as I was hungry since noon. I felt guilty when I discovered it was the only plate he had to eat which he offered me that night. I didnot say anything. After sometime my phone's battery was dead and now there was total darkness. To my surprise the old man was still doing each chore perfectly. I couldnot see but felt it. He didnot speak much but informed me that he had kept my model at a safe place and I didnot have to worry, offering me quite a torn blanket to put over as I sleep. I asked him where would you sleep and if he had another blanket. He didnot respond. I slept then thanking God for my hardwork and my dream was saved and wished if I could do anything to help him in life ever.

I never met him after that but years after while on hospital bed an old body with a new soul carrying young energy arrived with a thank you letter that he placed on the table and left. I wish I was alive to welcome him for that.
Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Arouet
Review
Arouet wrote a review · Sun Aug 28, 2016 11:42 pm

Hey there! I will be reviewing your work as objectively as I can.
My critique:

-"I called at home informing about the windy atmosphere"
The sentence is a little off, it would be better if it was written so, "I called home to inform them about the weather." You seem to be overcomplicating your vocabulary. Try remember to keep your sentences simple but your vocabulary strong. (see how the word 'strong' is now emphasised especially without trying to overcomplicate it?)

-"The night was dark as coal." It's a pretty weak simile. Try explaining how dark it is instead of comparing it to something . Remember, darkness is an absence of light, coal is simply black.

-"I envisioned an old man just closing "
Envisioned means to imagine, your character didn't imagine the old man, she saw him.

Other than the obviously too large paragraph it was a decent story.
Very heartfelt and nice to read.

Keep practicing and good luck!

Thank you so much . I will surely consider these points. :)

User avatar
AnarchyWolf
Review

Good evening, kavita227. AnarchyWolf here to review this short story.

While only short, this work shows off good imagery and vocabulary. No important word is used twice, and phrases like the night was dark as coal help to give this story a somber feel. The scenes are vivid and the imagery is strong here. I found the atmosphere in this piece really quite chilling, but heartwarming at the same time, especially when the old man is helped.

The descriptions help so much to create that tone, especially the wretched footpath and the hut-like house.

Now for the smaller nitpicks:

Spoiler

12

twelve. Numbers like this are usually written in letter form in fiction.

3 minutes

three minutes

I was hungry since

I had been hungry since

couldnot

could not

didnot

did not - these contraction-type words are used throughout. Is there a particular reason?

I slept then thanking God

I slept then, thanking God

hardwork

hard work

I never met him after that but years after

I never met him after that, but years after



The paragraphs in this piece, specifically the main chunk, is too big. It may have been done for effect, but it's just too daunting to have there. It'd be better to break it down according to the Time-Topic-Place-Person rules, which dictate a new paragraph according to a new time, topic, place, or person (including dialogue). Aside from this, a little bit of backstory to the whole thing would be nice, but I understand that this is going for abstract so perhaps backstory and clarity would somewhat compromise that effect.

In conclusion, this is a really well-written short story.

-AnarchyWolf

Thank you so much. This is the first time I am getting reviewed here and I am glad you liked it. :) and I will surely consider your advice.



The only distinction that makes one a hero is constantly fighting back your villain arc.
— RangerofIthilien