Sleep

Hha, this is so true! Sleep brings alot of different emotions depending on the circumstances! I like the flow and rythm of this piece and even though it might not have been to full of imagery it was sweet as simple as it was.
I find this line "You can Keep" a bit off and odd though... It feels both forced and awkward and the entire read would be much improved if that line was changed or removed

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

This one I didn't like as much as the other I just read by you. I think it feels a little forced, which may have something to do with your rhyme, but it also doesn't have the same atmosphere to support it so this time your repetition breaks the flow instead of helping it. A few suggestions:

Sleep can be a melody,
Rocking your sweet body.
Sleep can be scary,
Making you grow weary. [Okay so this stanza doesn't say much and certainly nothing the reader doesn't already know. You want to make this reflect sleep. You want to make it a charming melody that lulls the reader in so that your tone mirrors your words. What might help you there is alliteration, more specifically the alliteration of soft consonants and vowels. You want to avoid any words that sound harsh like body or blood or purse. Anything that begins with a b or a p should be pretty much out and concentrate on using words that start with s. Also, be more subtle. Instead of telling us that sleep can be scary and seductive, try to show more. Here's an example of how your lines could be softer and rely more on imagery:
Sleep is colder than the seven seas
but soft and sweet as a melody.]

Sleep can keep you awake,
And seem like a big, black lake.
Sleep can frighten you,
Like ghosts that yell, "Boo!" <<< Try to avoid really obvious rhymes! Or if you want, lead up to what would be an obvious rhyme but then change it to surprise your reader. In poetry a reader should not be able to guess your words before they've read them.

I'll leave my comments there I think. Altogether it's quite a whimsical poem but not pretty enough to get away with being quite so simple. If you concentrate a little more on alliteration however, I think you could have some fun with extended metaphors here. Best of luck and once again, just drop me a pm if you've got questions or anything

Heather xxx

I liked this! In the first stanza scary and weary don't rhyme very well, so if you can think of a way to change that, it might sound better. But, anyway, I don't really have any reviewing to do. Like everyone else said, it was sweet, short and simple. Although, I am already half asleep, so after reading this and hearing the word sleep repeated over and over again, I can't keep my eyes open anymore...

Very pretty. It has a simple rhythm, a simple rhyme, but you did well at choosing words. You made it seem very--child-like, which definitely is a compliment, by the way. However, it somehow made me feel more awake and not very sleepy. There has to be some irony in that.

Now, as for editing:

"Sleep can be a melody,
Rocking your sweet body.
Sleep can be scary,
Making you grow weary.

Sleep can keep you awake,
And seem like a big, black lake.
Sleep can frighten you,
Like ghosts that yell, "Boo!"

Sleep can seem like home,
Surrounding you like a dome,
Sleep can seem gentle,
Yet you might go mental.

Sleep is sleep,
You can weep,
You can keep,
Sleep is sleep."

The 'and' just didn't make much sense to me. If it's gentle, why would you go mental? Anyway, do with that as you will and keep up with the excellent work. I'll have to check out and see what other poetry you've written.

-Cspr

thank you for your review and criticism and I mean that in a good way!! thank you everybody!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, don't you seem sleep obsessed:) That was quite simple and childish. Try to not repeat things so much in your future work. Slways think about the reader and remember to keep things interesting. But I did really appreciate your simplicity and directiveness, if thats a word:)