Published August 6, 2011
Forgive me if there are too many poems, but they were written last year, and I just found this website. Plus, they're not that good, but I might need some critique.
Okay, this poem was when I was sad that my friends never knew me that much as I knew them:
You Never Knew Me
You never thought of me, my friends.
You helped me,
But, yet, never knew me.
You gave me smiles and laughter,
But, still, never knew me.
You helped me with homework,
And helped carry all my things,
But, still, could never know me.
Next one, sort of funny, sort of sad.
Crying and Laughing
The wind blows in my face,
Like soft, beautiful grace.
An untied shoelace,
We all have to run a race.
A tear- once or twice,
My friend turns her face away,
I have been lead astray,
Through a field of rice.
I sit down on a bench,
Turns out,
I'm a clown
With a wrench.
I look at the ground,
And my hair's down.
My lips trembles sadly,
Wishing I had a better friend.
Next one is okay.
The Burden
A burden so heavy
It seems it has no
Weight.
This difficulty is
Born to you, a
Gift.
But, soon, it will
Be slightly lifted,
Yes.
But that is because
You have held it so
Long.
Okay, my first poem will end it all. It was born by when all my friends ran away from me to join a group, leaving me out of it for the entire year.
My Heart, My Heart
The sky is bright,
So vibrant blue,
The sun gives me
All the light I knew.
But deep inside,
I have my heart,
Which happens to
Know what's true.
I hate to admit.
I hate to gossip.
But, soon, this
All will part.
My heart, my heart,
It will crack soon.
This group will
Soon break up.
Thanks for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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138,204 Literary Works • 672,082 Reviews
I think you should submit these all separately or at least use something to separate them better. You have great ideas for your poems and can write some good lyrics, but I think you need to develop a rhythm. The first verse of My Heart, My Heart is really good. It has a rhyming scheme that you should have kept for the later ones. I don't know if you even realized you used it but it was ABCB where the second and fourth lines rhyme. If you want to know about other rhythm patterns or have poems just let me know.
My first suggestion would be to resubmit these all separately. Putting them all together is confusing. An actual 'collection' of poems is usually written to go with each other, and these don't really connect to each other, so I would separate them. Also, I would get rid of the descriptions of each one. The poems should speak for themselves and not need that description.
This opening is pretty good. It appeals to a universal feeling; wanting to be known, so it should get readers interested, which is good. The rest of the poem is much the same and it doesn't really progress. Rather than continuously stating facts, I would explore some other ideas, like how did not being known make you feel? Why didn't your friends get to know you?First poem:
Second poem:
The first two lines are really lovely. The next two however, well, I'm a little to confused as to why they're even there, to be honest. Do they add anything to the poem? If not, maybe take them out. It just sounds like you're putting in anything that rhymes.
The first three lines of this verse are nice. You evoke some emotions and create conflict, which gets me interested and makes me want to keep reading. Nice work. But then that last line; again, I'm not sure why you included it. If it's just because it rhymes, that's not a good enough reason. Every line in your poem should serve a purpose.
Okay, now I'm completely lost. What does this have to do with any other part of your poem?
Quite a good finish. Very emotional which I like. The only thing is that in the third line it should be "lips tremble" or "lip trembles", not "lips trembles" like it is at the moment.
Third poem:
No major critiques for this one. I think it is your best one. You chose a style for it that seems to suit the way you write quite nicely. I love the message of burdens only getting lighter because we get used to them. It's a sort of heart-breaking look at growing up. Really nice work.
Fourth poem:
I quite like this poem too. You paint some lovely images.
One thing that bothered me was the last lines:
This is the only point in your poem where you actually mention the group. The rest was abstract, and I think that worked better. If you could change these lines to keep with the more abstract, metaphorical theme, I think you could have a much stronger end to your poem.
Hope some of this is helpful!
Keep writing!
-pigeon
The first poem,I thought,was easy to relate to but didn't flow very well. Maybe you could break the first few lines in half so there aren't somany syllables. The second one was also good, with a few little typos, not that it really matters. If you got it published, it would be edited anyway I guess. They were all okay. The last one was really sad, and I thought it was good. It sort of painted a picture. Overall, I thought they were all pretty good. I think if you just made a few tweaks with grammar and everything they'd be great.