Mystified and Perplexed,
I fix my gaze upon night's illumination;
disguised as a nearly consumed cookie,
eaten by the phases of the Earth.
Its beams dance in the streets, backyards, oceans, and valleys of the world,
proving to the obscure that it has no effect on its choreographies.
Baffled and Astounded,
I behold the world's nutriment make its subtle declaration,
gently reminding its comrade of its naturally worn out welcome.
Masking the world with its metallic cross members, this incomparable star breathes life into the abiotic depths of the world.
Placid and Apprehensive,
I lay my foot against the minerals below, squishing it between my toes.
I softly brush my hand across my expression, removing the liquid sunshine gathered on my brow.
Gratified and Appeased,
I place my relic back on the shelf, with the knowledge that I am but one minute color in an axial world of rainbows.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
It was well written. You could have left out the 'its' on the 6th line.
welcome to YWS katlyn!
Hello there new member and welcome!! anyhu about the poem. I understood the beginning well about the moon, but when you went out of that you kind of lost me. Very well written words wise but the subject is a little too abstract. Believe me I know how that is. Sometimes you get an idea and just write and you understand perfectly well what every line represents and means but the audience can't know all that goes on in your head. Its hard to get it to a level where people can understand it without losing the natural beauty of the words and poem itself. Well good luck with it. I suppose its just something you have to learn. One more thing about he line structure. Short lines and then really long lines make it a little choppy and harder to read. With punctuation you should be able to break up the longer ones. But other than all of that, good work. Keep it up!
thanks, I see what you mean about the 'it's stuff, I'll totally work on that.
and it's about the moon and the sun...I always find myself compelled to write about things that I can't wrap my mind around, so this is basically my comprehension.
This is nice, but i found myself lost,
Im not sure if its just me but,
Whats the main subject?
The words are well written,
but i got lost.
other than that it is pretty good.
keep up the good work,
and welcome to YWS.
Okay, sorry. I sort of made a few obvious mistakes in my review... Just letting you know I realized that.
That was really well written. Especially the part about the "nearly consumed cookie". Similies always sound good no matter what context their in. I think that's my motto. Anyway, I noticed you didn't capitalize every line in it. You may want to do that. You might also want to specify what you're refering, like in the line "proving to the obscure that it has no effect on its choreographies". The "it" and "its" doesn't really help the flow. And in the 8th line, by nurtiment I think you mean nutrient.