Published January 13, 2012
Okay, this poem is rough and I am not very happy with it, so I was wondering if anyone could give me suggestions on how to change it and help me improve it.
Behind my smile,
Underneath my laugh,
I cry.
Yet the pain never shows,
For as I learned long ago,
It's for the best
To never lose control:
Never let the emotions show.
To stay strong.
One more minute,
One more song,
One more thought,
Tomorrow's a different day.
It's an endless chant,
Always on repeat,
Forever in my mind.
Don't let them see the pain,
For it will do nothing,
But cause it in the ones I love.
So I stay hidden.
So I continue to play,
As if I were normal.
As if everything was fine.
Face it alone,
Head high and standing tall.
I stay forever strong.
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141,342 Literary Works • 674,350 Reviews
This isn't bad, but it isn't good, either. You've got your basic ideas, and they're strong, but they're quite bare at the moment. A lot of people have similar ideas/experiences, and while that's what you want to tap into to give your poetry relevance, there is such a thing as being too literal. The thing about being literal is that there's no room for individuality. Being literal is the opposite of being descriptive, in a sense, and since description (in the form of imagery) is one of the few ways a poet can make their poem unique, being literal winds up stripping away the uniqueness until all that's left is generic words arranged on a page. And generic words can't really convey emotions all that well because they're so common to the point of overuse.
So spice things up. Try and get your readers to envision specific scenarios, ones that will really get across the emotions you're going for. The more precise you are, and the less generic, the more likely your readers will be able to really feel whatever emotions you wanted this poem to make them feel.
Just be careful not to get too specific, otherwise your readers won't be able to relate.