Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
My hands brushed the tops of the emerald green blades of grass as I ran freely through the field. The Sun was on my back, and the warmth from its rays flooded through me, giving me a true sense of home. Daisies blossomed at my feet as I stood at the center of the field, taking in my glorious surroundings with wide eyes.
"I love it!" I shouted, and the cool breeze lifted my voice high into the air, where it joined the melodious cried of small birds who flitted around in the sapphire sky. I heard her laugh, and I turned to face her, ecstatic. "It's so beautiful here."
Ellie, my older sister, grinned at me as I twirled around, breathing in the fresh air and sunshine. "You aren't staying for long, just for a few weeks, remember?"
I ran towards her, adrenaline coursing through my veins, heart pounding. As I wrapped my arms fondly around her, she yelped in pain. "Mind the bump"
Whoops. "Sorry!" I instantly jumped away from her and regarded her as her elegant features twisted with pain. "Are you okay?"
She grimaced. "Fine, it's okay. I just forget sometimes, y'know?" She grinned cheekily, and I grinned back.
"How can you forget you're pregnant, though?" I asked her quizzically.
"I'm not sure." She laughed again, and I watched as her golden hair waved in the rays of amber sunshine, shining.
A voice from behind us shouted. "Where have you girls got to?!"
"Oops." said Ellie, and the moment was lost. "We had better get back. Coming, country girl?"
"Sure." I said, and I followed her towards her husband, Micky. He was just as beautiful as her, with chocolate-brown eyes and curly dark hair. Their baby is going to be gorgeous, I thought as Ellie's hand clasped Micky's and we made our way back to the house.
That place was so perfect, with it's heavenly meadows and cloudless skies. What could possibly go wrong?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really, truly enjoyed this. There's nothing bad I have to say about it.
The only little nitpick I have is where Ellie says: "Mind the bump." There was no end to the sentence. I would suggest using an exclamation point. But, regardless I'm sure that it was only an accident.
Any-who, this was great. The description was subtle and precise, which is what this sort of story (from what I can see) is perfect for. I enjoyed entering into the world she was in. I think readers can easily relate to the character in her happiness and joy, and that's the most important part (I think at least) in any piece of literature. Looking forward to reading more!
Cheers,
Nate
Hey Katie! I'm here to give you a quick, hopefully helpful review!
Okay, so first of all, I loved it. Absolutely. You had tons of beautiful, vivid descriptions. That part was great!
But, unfortunately, you have a few minor grammatical mistakes. :/ On to the not so fun part:
In the second sentence, "Sun" shouldn't be capitalized.
At the end of the first paragraph, you said "taking in my glorious surroundings." Now, while that's technically not wrong, I feel like it might be better to say "the surroundings" instead. As I said, the way you phrased it is not incorrect, but 'the' is more common, so some people might be mislead to believe that it's the only way. But you don't have to fix that part if you don't want to.
In the fourth paragraph, you forgot to put punctuation at the very end. A simple period would work, but it would probably be best to use an exclamation point.
In that last paragraph, '"it's" should be "its". I know that can be confusing sometimes, but the apostrophe is only used if it could be "it is".
And that's all for grammar. Again, I just loved all those gorgeous descriptions you threw in there! You did an awesome job on this piece. Well done!
Keep it up,
IAmMe
Hey! IamTraunt here!
Before I go into detail, just some things I picked out that you need to adjust:
Characters:
So far, so good. From what I have read, I can see the protagonist loves the outside, she loves her sister and her husband, and that to her (the protagonist) life is perfect. She seems happy with the life she is living, no rival between her sister, or jealousy of her husband (that is, if the protagonist doesn't get to spend as much time with Ellie).
Dialogue:
You did forget to put a full stop when Ellie was speaking, but that's no biggie. Most of your dialogue is realistic and life like, but in some places its a bit iffy. For example:
This sounds a little awkward to me. Maybe you should just put:
But that's just me.
Otherwise, no problems!
Overall:
I like your story. It is fairly interesting and I can't wait to see what mystery and suspense lies afoot. I love how you end it on:
What could possibly go wrong?
Well done!