This is good but I saw some problems.
kathy45662 wrote:Beginning of my re-write. This is part of Chapter 1. I want to know how it ocmpares to the other versions and what everyone else thinks of this. Does it keep your interest? Does it have character depth? Anything else it has or doesn't have? I know it's quite a bit different than the other versions I have posted. It even has a new character in it. Temp not a main, but still will add to it later on I believe.
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1
Deep in the Ferric Ocean, Alexandra swam in circles around her bedroom. She chewed her fingernails #0000FF ">Maybe you should #0000FF ">use nervously here and find another word to replace nervously in the next line. as her steady pace slowly became quicker. Alexandra wondered nervously what her parents were conversing about. She would soon turn sixteen and to some, that means nothing except maybe a new car. But to a mermaid princess, it means a whole city worth of responsibilities she might have to inherit.
Alexandra’s father, King William Stout and her mother Queen Rachael spent the last few months having several conversations behind her back. If she’d enter a room with them, they’d change the subject. It was so obvious to Alexandra she knew it had to be about her.
One recent example #0000FF ">had just occurred. Alexandra opened the doors to the main ballroom. There were her parents, Michael, a jester who she loathed with a passion, and her best friend Joshua. As soon as they heard the doors shut behind her, they glanced at one another in a pause of conversation, than began a new conversation regarding the new patrolling guard for the city. Every once in a while they hire a new trainee to be a guard. Guards get the most respect besides the King and Queen.
“What is everyone talking about?” Alexandra swam up to the others.
“Nothing you need to be concerned about Alexandra. It is not for you to worry.” King William stated. Alexandra began to worry then. Her father never hides anything from her. She knew it had to be about her. She then thought about all the training she has been doing, much harder the past couple of years, learning about manners and courtesy. Interrupting others’ conversations was not one of them, yet.
The conversations ended. The Queen headed back to her master bedroom to rest. She was due to have a baby anytime and she was not laying down to rest like she should have been.
“Alexandra, why don’t you, Joshua, and Michael go out of the city and enjoy the day? There’s a lot going on in the city today and almost everyone is busy making plans for different things.” Her father insisted.
“Um, father, can Joshua and I go by ourselves?” Alexandra asked, trying not to sound rude to Michael. Michael gave a discerning look.
“No you all three should go.” King William insisted. She had no choice. She hated Michael’s guts but knew she was stuck with him all day.
“No problem Sir, we will keep an eye or two on her.” Joshua said politely.
“Oh I’m sure I will keep two on her!” Michael said jokingly. King William smacked him in the arm. He knew Michael had a thing for Alexandra. Which was the reason for her to be with Joshua as well. King William trusted Joshua more than anyone else in the entire Ocean.
King William dismissed himself to the throne.
“Well let’s go!” Michael said reaching for Alexandra. She quickly swam away from Michael.
“Go away Michael. I don’t like you. You’re annoying and need to learn your place.” Alexandra began to swim away. Joshua glanced at Michael but said nothing, and followed Alexandra. She headed to her bedroom by way of the window instead of the front doors to the castle.
This brings us back to Alexandra’s bedroom. #FF0000 ">She began her pacing and chewing of her fingernails. #0000FF ">This needs work.
“Alexandra?” Joshua said waving in the window without peeking.
“Yes Joshua?” She continued to pace.
“Can I come in? I want to talk.” Joshua asked.
“Yes, Joshua, come in.” Alexandra slowed her pacing and looked in the mirror. Her purple eyes were darker than usual. She worried about what they could have been talking about. Joshua swam through the small window hole.
“I’m sorry your father doesn’t negotiate well--.” Joshua began but couldn’t finish.
“—What was he talking about? It was about me wasn’t it?” Alexandra began pacing again.
“Stop being so paranoid Alex. It’s nothing you need to worry about right now.” Joshua said calmly.
“Not to worry about? The conversation changed as soon as I was seen. I heard my name from the hallway a couple of times and then my birthday is coming up too and –.” Alex began pacing again.
“Please stop Alex,” Joshua put his hands on her shoulders to stop her from pacing.
“Well, I guess if you say it’s nothing to worry about,” Alex took a deep breath. “You’re probably right. You’re always right Joshua.”
“One thing he mentioned is that I will be moving into the castle…” Joshua paused. He didn’t want to say anymore.
“And? I mean, that’s great but finish your sentence. I could tell you have something else you need to say! What is it?” Alex began to panic again.
“Don’t fret. Let me explain what I can tell you.” Joshua said slowly.
“What is it?” Alex was beginning to get annoyed.
“I made sure Michael didn’t follow me because I know you would probably throw something at him if he did. Now, listen to me, OK?” Joshua tried his best at calming Alex down. He was pretty good at it. He knew her inside and out.
Alex took a deep breath. “OK, tell me.” Alex closed her eyes.
Joshua gripped her shoulders tighter and with a concerned look he finished. “I am moving into the castle…along with Michael. He won’t only be the jester, but he’l lbe living in the castle as well.”
Alex opened her eyes, glaring at Joshua angrily. She knew it wasn’t his fault. It was her father’s decision.
“Why? Why does he have to let such a jerk into the castle?” Alex began ranting and blurting out questions aloud. “I mean it’s almost my birthday! Why does he have to do something like that? It doesn’t make sense!” Alex threw her hands up in the air like she didn’t care anymore. She turned away from Joshua and looked in the mirror, seeing her eyes had lightened up a little. She was beginning to calm down as she glared at herself in the mirror.
“If it helps,” Joshua began, “his moving into the castle doesn’t make me happy either. He is very annoying. I’m almost jealous but I’m moving in too. I think your dad wants me to take him under my wing and make him…nice and not so rude? I’m not sure. Maybe he’ll grow on us?” Joshua huffed.
“Maybe he won’t. I don’t see it happening. He wants me to marry him and he’s not even royal blood! I’d marry you before I would him. He’s such a jerk. He has no common sense and does nothing but try to make people laugh and he’s not even good at that. Total waste of space and water.” Alex mumbled under her breath.
They heard a knock on her bedroom door. Joshua knew the routine. He quickly hit outside the window, so he wouldn’t be caught in her bedroom. Even though they were friends, her bedroom was supposed to be a private room, since she was a princess. It wouldn’t be good if the city knew she had mermen in her room. Even if it was just one best friend named Joshua.
“You may enter,” Alex announced, practicing her speech as a princess. The only person she really didn’t speak as a princess to was Joshua. He didn’t care and didn’t find her offensive for not speaking professionally.
The door opened and entered a castle maid. “Hello princess. I have good news to deliver.”
“Please, enter.” Alexandra motioned for her to come inside her door.
“Your mother has began to have stomach pains and back pain. It looks as if she is now in labor. We will take great care of her. It looks like you will have a little sibling by tomorrow.” The maid smiled, pretending to rock a baby in her arms.
“Thank you, I’m really excited about it. For once I won’t be an only child.” Alexandra #FF0000 ">smield back.
“If you only knew,” Joshua whispered under his breath but no one else could hear.
“You’re welcome Miss Alexandra. Thank you and have a wonderful day.” The maid was very chipper and excited. She exited and shut the bedroom door to where it was before.
“We’re clear Joshua!” Alexandra said aloud for Joshua. He entered before she finished.
“We need to head out soon. That’s exciting we will have a little sister or brother soon. Hopefully a boy.”
“We?” Alexandra caught how he said it as if they were brother and sister. Joshua startled and realized how he said it without thought.
“Um…” Joshua hesitated. He tried to think carefully and quickly for his response.
Okay, this was good, really good. But some of your sentaces need work, they feel stiff and out of place. And there was one mispelled word, I pointed that out. I love this though, don't get me wrong.
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