Smoke. Brimstone. Smoldering wood. Those are the things that he knew best. Those things are where he grew up. His father said he was born somewhere near the earth’s core. He is not comfortable in cool places. They make him feel like he’s suffocating. Almost as if the earth was falling down upon his head. He doesn’t really like humans either. They are killers of many nations. They don’t care whose lands they trod upon. They are here to conquer us. They are here to kill us.
No. We are a strong nation. We will survive. While many perish, we yet will live on. We are the supreme nation we don’t need anyone. We shall save all nations and trod upon humans. We shall make them our slaves. We shall spit on their leaders, and trample their great cities. We will triumph and we will make them pay. We shall smash the tiny pitiful humans. And all other nations will pay homage to us. We the superior nation.
They will be sorry for all that they have done unto out ancestors. We shall avenge them. I, Xavior shall lead my people into battle. As is his destiny. He is fearless. He shall rule all nations. We, my people and I, shall be rulers of the earth and all shall bow down to us. None shall rule us. None ever could. We are superior, they wouldn’t dare try.
Quickly he flew. It is such a joy, flying. That is one thing that those humans can never take from us. Though they try. I head towards the nesting ground where Zelda is guarding her eggs. Her feathers seem to droop, and her glow is not as brilliant. Something is wrong. He sees it in her eyes.
Gently he kythes to her, what troubles you, dearest Zelda? What robs you of your brilliant flame?
Ever-so-slowly she too kythes with him. It is how we talk. We communicate without words because we cannot always say to each other what we feel. Not that we are robbed of speech, it is just hard to materialize what we are saying because the words of the humans are insufficient.
An egg was found missing.
Who’s nestling?
Instantly He is worried. Eggs just don’t disappear. A Human has found out our nesting ground. Now all the eggs were in danger, including his own.
Ours.
Her word startles him. Some puny human dared to steal his egg? He could feel his flame burn brighter, hotter. He was fuming.
I’ll get it back. I swear to you.
Xavior, please. It’s too dangerous. Something will happen to you. They’ll catch you.
Never. Nothing will happen. I’ll be back before dark.
He pecked her soft feathers. She was the light of his life. Without her, he’d be nothing.
Again he sets off, heading southwest towards the human city. His nestling was out there somewhere, and he would find it.
***
He had reached the human city. Pitiful creatures, they hadn’t even welcomed the dawn. Whoever had stolen his egg must have been a strange human, for the rest still slept. He had two choices of communication. Vocal and kythed.
Vocalizing his caw would be profitable because the wretched creatures would know that he was here and he was angered. That could bring on a chase, or that could be beneficial, seeing as they hide and quiver from his wrath. The nestling, if it hadn’t hatched, would then kythe it’s reply to me. However, if it was hatched, it could be dangerous to the hatchling. (That is the term we use after the egg has hatched.) It being so confused, would vocalize its call. Therefore telling the human race that it too was here. Henceforth causing a commotion about what person would be the hatchling’s “Mother”, seeing that the chosen individual would be the first the hatchling saw. The hatchling would then be compromised and obviously take the side of its “mother”.
Kything would also prove to be a profitable choice. Seeing that the humans wouldn’t know where he was and then arming him with the benefit of surprising them. However, his kythed caw couldn’t be heard as far as his vocal caw could. (Kything only works if you and the other individual are within fifty miles of each other.)
Seeing that he didn’t know where the nestling was, he decided on the vocal caw. He swelled with pride as his caw reverberated off the surrounding human dwellings. He supposed that you could’ve heard it all the way back to the nesting grounds, which was over five hundred kilometers away.
Instinctively he tuned his inner and outer ears for the nestling’s reply. Circling the city and watching the humans scurrying to find the sound, he waited.
Little one? Are you out there? He kythed gently. He didn’t want to frighten it. Its reply came in small anarchic words mingled with fear and lack of oxygen.
Yes. I suppose…it’s dark…and cold…I can’t breathe. I’m scared. Where are you? Are you in here with me?
No. I need your help. I can’t find you if I don’t know where you are. Describe your surroundings better.
It’s very ambiguous. I can’t see a thing; I’m being suffocated.
Not helping…can you spread your wings? His kythe was broken by a searing pain in his right wing. One of those wretched humans had dared to shoot at him. If he didn’t head back to the nesting grounds…they’d have him. He was torn. The instinct to save himself was extremely high, but this new sense of fatherhood was almost at its equal.
Don’t be frightened. I’ll come back for you, I promise.
His kythe was broken and similar to that of the nestling’s. He could still feel the nestling’s fear as he flew as fast as his injured self could. They were on his tail, all he could hope for was that he reached safety before the nesting grounds.
There was no way that he would lead them to the nesting grounds. Yes, he was injured. Yes, he did need immediate attention, but he would not risk placing the lives of his people in danger; just to save his own skin. He would be a true leader and pray that they would lose interest in him and soon.
He spotted a cave imbedded in a high cliff; there was no way that the humans could reach him here, that is unless they grew wings. Which was impossible.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like it, i agree it was some confusing. I think it was a dragon, though. It has pleanty of destil though , no need for more.
VERY good chapter!! I mean this really - your dialogue is very good, and your style is nice and easy to read.
There were just a few errors I noticed.
Unpleased?? "Displeased" I think you mean.
Sounds too sure. Change it to, "He claimed he'd return, but somehow I doubted that." Or something to that effect.
Capturer = captor.
Two words = "in case"
One word! = "afresh"
Change that to a semi-colon, or make it two sentances and change it to a full stop.
Comma instead of full stop, and small s.
Briming = brimming. Also, this could be put better. Perhaps, "tears filling her eyes".
Very nice, this bit.
Very good chapter, and when's the next?
-ST
Hello!
I really like this as a prologue, but some sentances were a little confusing. You switched back from 1st person to 2nd person. I like the idea of this story! At first I was a little confused on what the main character was. I think if you explain a little more, it will be fine. Good luck!
~PsychicNinja
I was frightened. The soothing voice was gone. He claimed he’d return, but that was highly unlikely. I couldn’t breathe and if I didn’t get out of here quick, I’d die. I remembered the soothing voice asking me if I could stretch out my wings. I tried. It seemed as if they were bound. I couldn’t do much more than wriggle them, which caused a dreadful pain.
Absently I pecked at the darkness that surrounded me. My beak hit something plush-like, soft, pliable, but still strong. I brushed my cheek against it. It was rough and scratchy. I decided that I could peck through this material if I kept at it long enough. Mechanically, I pecked away vigorously.
***
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally poked my head out into the afternoon sun. I glanced around me. Now that I was at least partially out, I could see that my suffocating prison was a bag. Why it wasn’t incinerated, I couldn’t tell you.
Turning my thoughts to broader horizons, I noticed that my capturer and I were walking in the desert. Many miles ahead of us were mountains. Carefully, I noted my surroundings, just incase the voice came back.
On my left, there was a vast expanse of nothing, safe a few cacti and some rocks. To the right of me was…surprisingly, the same. Great, this’ll really help him find me.
Now focusing my attention on my capturer, I noticed something odd. It didn’t have wings, but two thin things that hung loosely from its torso, nor did it have feathers, but its skin was…naked and turning a bright shade of pink. It also had two thicker things that held it up right, which resembled my legs, but they were longer and partly covered by…something else’s skin. I seemed to be attached to it by two thin straps of the same skin that covered its lower region.
Curiosity sprung a fresh within my soul. I found myself squawking out strange words. “What are you?”
It stopped and froze, I could feel its fear. It glanced to the right, and then to the left. Concentrating on one thing, saving itself. That seemed to be its primary instinct. No doubt about it, it would have dropped me off and left me to starve, if only to save itself. The thought repulsed me.
“Who said that? I know you’re out there. Come out of hiding.” It said.
Ah, so it did possess the “gift” of speech. I could understand what it was saying, but I had to concentrate harder. How dare it suggest that I was hiding from it! Pride and agnation stirred within me.
“Hiding? Who’s hiding? I’m right here.”
It must have remembered that it wasn’t alone. It slipped off the straps that were binding me to him and held me in its…well where its wings were supposed to be. It was giving me the strangest look. Almost like I wasn’t supposed to be talking with it. As if it were superior to myself. You wish. I thought absently.
“You’ve hatched, I get to take care of you now. And name you too!” It rambled continually, “If you promise not to fly off or burn me, I’ll let you out. Promise?”
A promise? The soothing words returned like water on the parched earth, I’ll be back for you, I promise. The words made no sense to me. I didn’t know what they meant. If this thing knew what one was, maybe it could help me find the voice.
“What is a promise? What are you? Of course I’m hatched I wouldn’t be talking if I wasn’t.”
“I’m a girl silly.” She laughed absently, “My name’s Hazael. I’m the daughter of Chief Jeshu. He will bless me highly for obtaining you. You will protect us, won’t you?”
“I suppose. You do need protection from a superior and wonderful beast like me, don’t you? I will not harm you, you have my word.” I said proudly.
Yes these wimpy creatures needed my protection. It is such a lovely sensation, being needed. Instantly the soothing voice popped into my head, well I could at least help them until he came for me. Hazael smiled and slipped the bag off the rest of me. I felt so much better now. I could finally breathe naturally again. She also carefully undid the binds that had held my wings. I stretched them idly. My instincts bade me to fly, but my word held me bound to this child. She seemed older than myself, but acted younger than her years.
“Machi.” Hazael said softly.
I turned to her wondering if the heat had gotten to her. Maybe she was tired and needed rest. “Machi?”
“It’s your name. It means blessed light. Isn’t that fitting?” She smiled brilliantly, and the light of her smile traveled to the depths of her ebony eyes.
I didn’t reply, but knew that the name did fit. It fit nicely.
Hazael and I walked many more miles that day and at its end I was very exhausted. We had scarcely stopped before we both were asleep. My glistening flame keeping Hazael quite warm. She was careful enough to place herself far enough away to prevent burning, but still taking advantage of my heat.
***
I was up long before Hazael; apparently she didn’t like seeing the sun rise. Frankly this was my first time greeting the dawn; but before I hatched I remembered another soothing voice, higher and softer, I remembered warmth, comfort, and a choir of sweet thought-like music greeting the day. Stealthily I slipped from Hazael, she would never know that left. She wouldn’t wake.
Once I was far enough away I extended my wings to their fullest, and lifted up into the air. I had never been so joyful in my whole life. Not that is been too long. I flew as high as I dared, for I still wanted to keep Hazael in sight. It was wonderful feeling the wind under my wings. This is where I belonged, not walking. Perhaps I could carry Hazael. It would save us both time and pain. Fewer stops meant the sooner we would reach her father.
Wait, there was one small problem. Hazael couldn’t withstand my heat. She would be burned. I didn’t want that to happen. She was all I had in this wilderness. As I descended towards the ground, so too did my hopes of flying with Hazael. I didn’t know if I could take more walking.
When I reached my place of ascent, Hazael was there, looking very unpleased.
“Machi, you can’t just go flying off. What if someone saw you? Or worse what if they shot at you? You could be hurt. Then where would we be?” She said angrily.
“Don’t borrow trouble.”
“Borrowing trouble has nothing to do with it Machi! I just don’t want you getting hurt.” She said tears briming her eyes.
I was puzzled. I had never seen these things. It seemed as if Hazael was leaking. Water ran down her cheeks and dripped idly onto the sand. I could feel her sadness. Something was wrong. Was it something I had done?
Um. Thanks? There is a point to the prologue. It's giving the background. There will be two stories being told here. first, Xavior's. he's the leader of this "pack" of phoenixes. Secondly there is the story of the nestling. so that's why i decided to use a prologue. Chapter one is coming now.
Hi there, welcome to the site.
The first thing I would recommend is separating the story into paragraphs when posting it. I realize you did that in whatever program you used but the site doesn't keep that when you copy and paste and so you have to redo the spacing. It doesn't take that long and if you have enough time to come post a second time within an hour, wondering why someone hasn't read it yet, I think you'd have the time to do that. It's just the courteous thing to do.
The beginning of the story didn't really interest me at all. The narrator, Xavior, rants quite a bit about being the superior race and humans are bad, blah blah blah. One of the things I've noticed in real life is that nobody likes to hear someone talk arrogantly and complain about someone else. It's the same with the opening of your story, it's annoying.
I barely finished the second paragraph because the second paragraph was essentially the same point as the first. Humans suck. Whoopdeedoo. Xavior and his people are going to 'rule'. Your opening paragraphs are kind of like when I listen to my mom complain about something, she reiterates the same point over and over in different words.
The only minor side point is that there is this 'dude' who lived near the center of the Earth and doesn't like cold places.
Here's my advice-never use a prologue unless there is some drastically important thing in the prologue that needs to be said. If not, get rid of it.
The reason why is because you have to begin your story twice. The prologue is sort of its own beginning and then you have to have chapter 1 which is its own beginning. And a good beginning has some very essential things (in my opinion) an individualistic character, a good conflict whether subtle or overt, good prose so that the reader knows the writer knows how to write, and of course the 'question', you present subtley or overtly one of the plot questions to your story.
Your character that you've presented in your prologue has not been individualized yet in the first two paragraphs to the point where I want to read more about him at all. All he does is complain and talks arrogantly. The only conflict is that Xavior has some issue with the humans. Your story doesn't flow because you reiterate the same points over and over again. And really I didn't like it. I would recommend getting rid of the prologue you have unless you really need to make some sort of point from it. If you do, rewrite the whole thing.
Hopefully, you can take something from my critique and use it to your advantage.
Regards,
~aero
ok, so the whole kything bit is in italics on where i originally wrote it. It just isn't here. Thanks for your help guys.
Hello!
It was hard to understand, at first, with all the 'we' this and 'they' that, also a bit annoying as it started to become repetitious. You switch tense, using both past and present. One other thing, you have 'he' and 'I' for the same person, which is why I was confused as to who was telling the story and from what point.
If you cleared that up, connecting sentences where necessary, it would be a better read and remember to use spacing.
I like their way of communication, perhaps you could use italics to sepearte that from normal text?
Myth
Very intriguing beginning.
The first bit was confusing tho, because sometimes you talk in first person with "I" and sometimes in third person, with "he".
If the words are thoughts, then it's a good idea to put them in itallics.
And the "kything" needs something to set it apart, like speech marks. You could put it in ittalics like this, or <tag marks like this> or -lines like this- or in bold like this. Your choice.
You need to leave a line between paragraphs and lines of dialogue, like my paras here, see?
A few of your sentances sound awkward. I know what you're trying to say, but you could put it across better.
Perhaps, "He grew up with these things"?
Trod = tread? Or if it's past tense, change "don't" to "didn't". Imho, it's better to avoid contractions unless they make it sound stilted. They're alright in dialogue, but steer clear of using them elsewhere.
You're switching tenses here. Is it past or present?
Nix "yet".
I think you need a semi-colon, or a comma there. Not sure which, sorry.
Trod = tread.
You're jumping about all over the place here!! From present tense to past tense, from first person to third person.....STICK WITH ONE!! Otherwise, it isn't half confusing to read this.
Apart from that, and the skipping about and spaces and all, this was good! Can you PM me when the next bit comes out so's I can carry on reading this?
-Twit