Now this is a romantic story, but you'll have to give it time, ok? And I just started rewriting it, so...there isn't much. And keep in mind that the original was written when I was in eighth grade. Thanks for reading this boring befor the story stuff...now for the story.
Boston
June 18, 2007
Natalie eased herself into her favorite rocking chair. Today was just one of those days where all one wants to do is reminisce about forgotten days. Casually she watches the clouds amble across the sky. Today Natalie is feeling every day of her twenty-three years.
She lets her mind take her back to yesteryear. Before Xaid left, before Miss Indiana, before Pa died, and before the accident. Back to when the days were more carefree and easy. She remembered that day as if it had only happened yesterday.
****
“Natalie Faye! How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from those chemicals?! I told you before to stay out of that barn while your father’s working. “Madame stated firmly, “One of these days you’re going to hurt yourself and you’ll be sorry you didn’t listen.”
When Madame told her that, she blew it off. She just wasn’t confident in my ability to handle myself. What did she know? She was a city girl, lost in the farm life. She rolled her eyes and left the kitchen.
Quickly she headed out towards the milking barn. She grabbed a bucket from the shelf and sat down to milk Zillah. An idea rushed into her mind, why don’t I invite some of my friends over? Almost as soon as the idea was formed she shot it down. Idiot, Madame wouldn’t ever let you; especially because you wouldn’t invite Kathleene.
Madame always said that these things were a waste of time. She hated having people over. Quite the opposite was my Pa; he loved people and would (as always) be on my side. So she hurried with the milking and headed out to find him.
“Pa? Pa? Where are you?” Now she should’ve stopped right there.
Pa always answered her callings. It was like he had a ‘Natalie sense’; but the one time he didn’t, she decided to look for him. She looked everywhere she could think of with her fourteen-year-old brain.
She ran out to the corn field. Surely he had to be out there planting the corn. But he was nowhere to be found.
She was just about to give up when she heard the chemical barn door shut. Pa has to be in there! She thought excitedly. So she pranced into the barn like a young calf, and she tripped on a bucket and fell to the floor face first.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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You switch tenses here; before this point, you were using past tense, then you get into present. You should probably choose one or the other, my personal preferense being past tense.
Before this, you were using 3rd person; change this to 3rd person or change the rest of your story to 1st person.
Although it's too short to make too much sense, it's good! Keep with it!
MY COMMENTS ARE IN RED!!!!!
Okay...not bad. But you didn't capture me. It could just be that you didn't make me care for Natalie, or it could be something else, I don't know. But this just struck me as 'young'. No offense, I'm all for whatever style you chose to write in, but I can see this more as an almost...well...illustrated novel than pages of words.
My advice? Work on consitancy of tense, and try to add some more description of her surrounding. Chose: First or third person. You can't have both (unless you mix up the formatting). Try to add some depth to the character, right now she's just a girl with a name. Who is she? What does she like and not like? Make me like her, make me hate her, whatever, so long as I at least care.
This is a good start, and I encourage you to continue it. Consider what I've said though, it could take your writing miles.
Keep up the good work!
-JC
I'm going to agree that your beginning could be stronger but starting with the flash back might be a bit confusing. I'm not sure how you could improve that... Now for a few specific points seen as Claudette already mentioned the changes in point of view...
Today was just one of those days where all one wants to do is reminisce about forgotten days. [Way too much repetition of day. In fact you use it a few more times later in this paragraph. Perhaps change 'reminisce about forgotten days' to forgotten hours, moments, events or something.
“Natalie Faye! How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from those chemicals?! [I used to do these a lot but it's really much more effective to use the exclamation mark or the question mark rather than both together.] I told you before to stay out of that barn while your father’s working. “ [You have a space before your end speech marks.
It was like he had a ‘Natalie sense’; [I think this would look neater as a 'Natalie sense;' but it's not technically incorrect. I hate it when there are no set rules for certain aspects of punctuation...]
Pa has to be in there! She thought excitedly. [Italics for all your little first person sentences would be more consistent but Claudette pretty much covered that.]
I think it has good potiential but you didn't give us enough. I think you should add more details, because even though this is the beginning I don't think it's enough stand by it's self.
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Besides that it was pretty good, good luck, hope it works out.
You moved from 3rd person POV to 1st person. I assume because of thoughts? If they are thoughts put them in italics, and if they are not, clear up the POV.
The beginning in italics seemed unnecessary, all it did was tell me what was going to eventually happen in the story, and give me her current age. She seemed "pouty" if you get what I mean.
You need to start with a good scene, or at least, something that will make us interested in the novel/characters. We need to know your characters, we need to relate to them, and we need to care about them so we actually want to continue. So far your beginning does none of these things.
Consider checking out the 'Character Development' user group, for characters in General, and because they have help on beginnings
Just try to make it more "catch" Read the intro to your favorite book. Hook, line, and sinker, yeah? You try it.
Best of luck.