Hello! This is my first shot in short story-writing. I'm not that good, I know.
I'll be waiting for your reviews. Thanks! XD
-KAT <3
PING!
"Hey, Kristine," Brian IMed me.
Hiding my extreme joy, I covered my grinning face with my pillow before I let out a voiceless scream.
"Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!" I whispered to myself. "It's Brian and he's IMing me!"
I giggled and typed quickly, 'Hi, Brian. What's up? XD'. Swiftly, I wiped my sweaty hands on my shirt, controlling my fingers from typing smilies more than necessary.
'Are you going to Luis' house now?' he asked.
Shoot. I forgot we're supposed to do our school project over at Luis' place. It's not that I wasn't glad to be out the house. I really am excited to get out of the house. The only problem was, I wasn't ready yet! I haven't taken a bath yet, and I still didn't have my lunch.
'Yes,' I lied.
'Then let's go together. I'll stop over at your house, okay? Bye.'
(Brian has signed out)
"OH. MY. GOSH. This is the pits!" I exclaimed, stumbling over the pile of books on the floor. "Why did I let Brian think that I'm ready?"
I turned the shower knob on and prayed for the water to flow faster than usual. "Please. Please. Please," I begged. "Let Brian stumble and take his time."
Taking in a few mouthfuls of rice and viand after taking a quick bath, I was sure Brian would come any second. His house was just a few blocks away, and I didn't want him to catch me unprepared.
DING-DONG
He's here.
I ironed my clothes with my hand, acting as if I wasn't in a hurry.
"Oh, you're here!" I smiled at him. He smiled back. Oh, gosh. He sure is cute.
"Uh - c'mon in," I said, pulling him inside. "Would you mind waiting for a few minutes? I just have to get something."
Brian nodded and sat down on the divan across him.
I stopped by the mirror and gasped. I didn't realize I haven't combed my hair yet. This is the worst.
"Kristine," Brian called out from the living room. "Do you have an umbrella? I guess it's gonna rain."
I came out with my new, black umbrella. I was smiling, but deep inside, I was kind of worried. If it rains, Brian would probably put the blame on me. If I hadn't been too slow, we wouldn't have to walk to Luis' house under the rain.
"C'mon," he said, holding the door for me.
It was an awkward walk. Luis' house was just several blocks away from ours, but it seemed that God had stretched the distance. Brian and I didn't utter a word until the first few drops of rain fell.
"It's raining," I said simultaneously with the thunder's roar.
As I opened the umbrella nervously, Brian chuckled. 'He must've noticed.'
"Let me hold that," Brian offered as I was about to raise the umbrella.
"No. It's fine."
"No, let me."
"I said it's okay, Brian. Besides, I'm a bit taller than you."
I giggled. After all, I really am a bit taller than him - about an inch or so. I wonder if he felt bad about what I've said.
"I'm still the guy, Kris," he replied, taking the umbrella from my hand.
I flushed. Why did I have to be so close to him? My cheeks felt hot, even though it was raining hard.
We took slow steps, afraid that we'd stain our clothes with mud.
"Stay closer. You'll get wet." Brian wrapped an arm around my shoulder so we'd stay close. I couldn't help shivering.
"Are you cold?" he asked with concern, pulling me closer to him.
"Don't hold me too close to you, or else I'd faint." That was what I wanted to tell him. But I liked what he was doing, so I didn't say it aloud.
There was only one block left before we reach Luis' place, so I savored the moment. I tried to listen to his breathing, its rhythm, and I tried to go along. I tried to memorize his smell - the smell of a baby. It was addictive, I admit. I tried to memorize his looks. The way that ordinary, white shirt looked on him was breathtaking. His dark brown eyes were almost...perfect.
He looked at me, and I lowered my head down. He chuckled. Slowly, I looked ahead and spotted Luis' house. Finally.
Totally flushed, I ran towards Luis' house, ignoring the rain and Brian's calls. I didn't know why I did it, but I just did.
After that, Brian and I didn't get to talk again, and it's been months. I guess he already has a new bunch of friends, and I have mine. But nevertheless, I still love stealing glances at him. I also love looking at the umbrella we were both under. Even though I never got to discover the way he felt for me, I thought of that walk as a romantic moment for the two of us. That was a walk I will never forget. That was a walk I would always keep in my heart.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
I like cheesy, sometimes it's just what people need! I liked your story, just because even if she didn't figure out how the boy felt, she still had that one special moment people wait a life time for. There might grammar and spelling problems but I'm not good at those myself. I feel I'm not is a postition to correct you. In general I really did love your story. Maybe a little more back ground detail on the people would be useful but other than that, I loved it!
For a short story this is pretty good. I like the story and it wasn't too rushed untill the end. She ran into the house and they never talked again. I think they'd talk to each other sooner or later. Nevertheless, I still like the piece. Nice one kat, I'm looking forward to reading more.
Hey Kat!
The thing I liked most about this story is how natural it seemed. There was no big kiss or happy ever after, in fact the moment under the umbrella seemed more awkward than romantic, but the emotion came across better than most romantic stories. Freaking out over messages and giggling at inappropriate times is what young love is about.
On the other hand this is a critique, so that means there has to be something critical about it.
You protagonist's thoughts would be better in italics, rather than speech marks. When it is read as speech first then your reader has to double back when they realise it wasn't said out loud, which causes an interruption in the reading. Since you've already used italics for a different purpose, you could get around it by saying: ' In my mind I was thinking "Don't hold me too close," ' or ' I wanted to tell him not to hold me too close. '
The ending, not talking to Rian again, seemed a bit of a cut off rather than a conclusion. If they were so close that he knew her address, surely such a simple thing wouldn't be enough to end that kind of relationship. If they never spoke, did they finish that school project?
I did like the way it finally ended with Kristine thinking of him, it makes the story kind of fade into her thoughts.
Lastly, perhaps you're not aware but there is a semi-famous movie called 'A walk to remember,' which is also a romance. I always suggest avoiding titles that are already renown, it will almost undoubtably effect your audiences perception of your piece.
Hope this helps
Ten
Very good piece, especially for your first short at a short story. I would consider adding in a bit more description, some more thoughts and reactions like you had at the beginning.. it allowed us to relate to the character as a human with emotions, rather than a character. Overall, good piece. The shift from past to present was a bit sudden, but not super jolting. Nice job. c:
Coral
I enjoyed this piece. you were right with the whole description thing- you need to add more of it. The story was cute and enjoyable! You should write another part! Keep Writing!
Nike
Hey, you're definately great at writing, and I enjoyed this story very much. You made Kristine very real, she's like any other typical girl with a crush, and people can always relate to that. Also, I like how you used IM, it made the story modern and that's typically how people communicate now.
The only fault I can find is that I wanted more! Your ending was brutal and crushing (in a good way) the reader wasn't expecting that type of ending. It was a good conclusion and differed from most cliche' happily ever after endings.
All in all, an awesome first attempt at short-story writing. I need to read your other works now!!
Hi, Kat! This is a great anecdote, really, really beautiful for a novel. You're an amazing writer, so maybe you should make a novel and insert this in one of the chapters. Since is a real life story maybe you can write what you wanted to happen next. What do you think? It would be great and I would read it with a
in my face! The only thing is that I don't think you should call it "A Walk to Remember" because Nicolas Sparks made a Novel/Movie that's called like that and it's very popular, but I still can't think of another title... But It was awesome so keep writing, okay!
~Sol
As others have said, this is very good for a first attempt at a short story; I can't say I was this good on my first try XD It's kind of bittersweet with how it ends, but still rather believable in that people who like each other don't always end up together. I don't think I have anything wrong with it to say that hasn't already been said, so good job!
For your first shot at short story writing this was really good.
I liked this. It was really cute and believable. It was well punctuated and there were very few grammar mistakes. I just didn't really like the MC that much. She seemed too shy, or cutesy at best but thats just my personal opinion.
Oh and how is the smell of baby attractive? It's kind of weird.
Keep Writing.
Anger
Hey Katchaerin
I review stories based on a reader's point of view.
This is really quite good. I enjoyed it
I've always found that when writing in first person, it makes it less easy for other people to find problems with my writing because first person allows us to be more original with our characters.
The only problem I found (for me as a reader) was
It took me a few moments to understand whether Kris had whispered that or if she was thinking it. My advice would be to leave it in italic but remove the quotation marks.... It's just a suggestion. Many people will probably disagree with me but its just my opinion.
Generally, the story is well written and engaging. You mentioned that this is a short story and so my one suggestion would be to add a little more depth to the story, by way of imagery. Describe your surroundings a little more, it just helps the reader "see" the story.
Keep up the good writing
~ Alex
I actually really enjoyed this.
I personally find perfect, cheesy love stories annoying. But this one had a better taste to it, it wasn't perfect, and it wasn't exactly romantic. It definitely made me laugh at some places, and kept me reading throughout the entire thing.
I was perfectly able to picture the scene. Maybe a bit less use of the word 'chuckle' would be a nice change.
Good job, keep writing!
-JD