Meoh, Natsume, Neneko, Nayeto, and Mearl all sat at the round table. The Silence in the air was nerve racking as they waited for a sign. They new one of them was lying, all there eyes shifted looking at each another, waiting for someone to make a move and then Mearl slowly moved her hand, and flipped the last card and everyone put down their hand. They all quickly looked around then out of excitement Natsume jumped up and yelled for joy, she pulled all the chips on the table toward her and started stacking them.
“Are you guys almost finished, we just got mission orders“ Rika and Yami walked in the room?
“We have to go to sigma 433 to identify a unknown power signature coming from the planet” Yami was reading off a small electronic pad “report to the launch bay ASAP”
“AY SIR” all the girls at the table shouted in unison
down at the launch bay all the girls were lined up in single file as a rather large man entered from the side of the room and walked in front of them
“ ALL OFFICERS, SOUND OFF” there was a big man standing in front of all the girls roared with a powerful voice and one by one the girls spoke their names.
“Meoh Heoh, Reporting for duty”
“Natsume Delacarde, Reporting for duty”
“Neneko Nekoko, Reporting for duty”
“Nayeto Nekoko, Reporting for duty”
“Mearl Vallou, Reporting for duty”
Yami and Rika were standing next to the big man when this happened, and as soon as all the names were called, they walked onto the ship and got ready to leave
“ I’m glad you can do this on such short notice. Rika Nonaka, and Yami Sulet. Thank you”
The man shook both their hands and started to walk away as Rika and Yami entered the ship and started on their journey to the ruins of sigma433.
On the bridge of the ship all the girls were unusually quiet no one knew what to talk about.
“So . . . what is our mission again?” Neneko asked in her usual cute little voice as she looked at Rika who was sitting in the co-captains seat
“we have to identify a unknown power source coming from beneath the surface. Just sounds like a crashed pod or something. My guess is that there wont be anything or anyone there”. Natsume turned around in her and looked at Rika with a smirk on her face “ you never know Re , you might find a boyfriend” everyone but Rika started to laugh out loud “come on girls , leave her alone” Yami was trying to hold in her laughing and was doing a good job of it , but Rika can see that she was also laughing. Then all the lights began to flicker and the laughing stopped
“Report” Yami ordered as all the girls focused on there station
“There appears to be a large graviton wave coming from the upper atmosphere, we cant escape it . Were going down” Nayeto read off the panel in front of her when Yami yelled out
“ALL HANDS , BRACE FOR IMPACT!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one was a little confusing to me to read. That's most probably because I don't think that I've ever heard of whatever fandom this is from so if I say something stupid because I don't know then I'm sorry. It is a pretty cool little get ready for battle sequence but there were just too many characters to keep track of.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That should be knew. Other than that this seems like a pretty good little opening sequence that you've got here. Its definitely doing a lot to build that mystery up as to what these people are doing and what this excitement might be. The number of characters might just be a touch too much but it still does work out pretty well.
I love the casual use of that shorthand there. It makes this feel a lot more realistic than if they were suddenly stopping to explain everything so that the readers can understand.
Well that is certainly a very interesting way to get us their full names and it is also pretty effective too.
Well that question right there is definitely getting maximum awkwardness points for being the most obvious question ever that they should probably have talked about before leaving on the mission.
That's a pretty nice attempt at some light hearted banter there although it feels a little off in some places.
Neat little cliffhanger there to end on. Definitely makes me now want to attempt to find out more about it. I wonder if you have a part 2 for this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was still pretty fun to read and it was a definitely a nice premise. Maybe if you zoomed in on he point of view of just one character it would be a bit easier to follow and to understand. And that's about all I've got to say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry