sometimes I wonder
what it would be like,
to touch you.
too soft I think.
so soft and delicate.
maybe that’s why they
compare us to flowers,
we even smell as they do.
skin I already know.
fingers, hips, shoulders,
just like mine.
nothing different.
just as beautiful.
lips full of kisses.
it troubles me how intriguing
they have become.
tasting of lust, and want.
it’s so easy to make
you smile, and I like that.
but for some reason...
I can only smile for him.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really like it.
The only thing I'd suggest is that you work on line breaks. Just play with them a little more. And play with capitalization - I think this would be beautifully quiet in all lower case.
Overall, very cool. I'm trying to decide if I like it all in one stanza or if it would work out with the reversal in a separate stanza... Or would that be too obvious? I'm not sure. Like I said, I really like it, polished or not.
It really is beautiful. You have a lovely knack for word choice. But it's all too obvious lack of punctuation makes me want to strangle it—you don't even have commas for the listing of things. "Fingers, hips, shoulders"
I'm not exactly sure what to make of it, I think if you went back through and punctuated it I'd be more able to understand it, and so, better comment on it. So far, I like some of the words you use and the way you use them, but otherwise I can't say much.
Please, add punctuation! (Poetry & Punctuation, an article I wrote.) When you do, I will certainly take another look. If I forget to, PM me