What Begins In Darkness Ends In Light
Darkness spread out in front of me. I was blind to everything around me. The cool night breez whipped my hair around as I stood near the edge. I smelled the strong scent of the pine trees caried in the wind. I smiled up at the stars I couldn't see and thought one last time of how much this would hurt. Slowly I stepped a foot out in front of the other, I felt my eyes become wet. I wasn't crying for my death, I wouldn't let them think I was weak. I cried for the pain I felt in my back. The scratches slowly bled, dripping warmth down my back. Still, I would not let them see the tears. I took another step forward. The wind was getting stronger, I looked up to where the moon should be. One more step.
First, weightlessness.
Wind rushing through me.
And then hard solid ground rushing up into me.
Hot searing pain coursing through my body.
Darkness.
Dreams danced behind my eyes, swimming in and out of focus.
"Oh dear, I am so proud of you."
mom?
"So...proud...of you..."
faiding away.
Darkness.
I woke to the blinding light of a hospital. Tubes ran in and out of my body. How did i get here? How long was i out? The curtains were drawn back from the windows, letting in warm spring sun. Sitting in the chair next to my bed was a boy. He was older than me by a few years, his arms were strong and his skin was tan from many days of working in the forest. His hair was light brown, and even though his eyes were closed i knew they were a peircing blue. I knew that he was an orphan, and that his parents had been killed when we were young. I knew that his sister died just two years ago. And I know he is here next to me because I am the only family he has left. Besides the pack, that is.
I continued to stare at him, and finaly his eyes opened. His face clouded with concern, but then cleared when he saw that i was all right.
"well, look who's up." he said as he rubbed his tired face.
"You look like you slept in a ditch." i said smartly. My voice was dry and scratchy. He reached over and gave me a glass of water.
Ignoring my comment he asked " are you ok? It seems like your body healed correctly."
I stretched my arms above my head. I turned this way and that, testing my body. "I seem to be fine." i reasured him.
"well, that's good to hear." A tall, muscular man walked into the room. He has bright blond hair and dark, tan skin. He stopped by my the edge of my bed and smiled. "Nathan, why don't you go get cori something to eat."
"Yes, sir." Nathan stood from his chair and left the room.
Troy walked to the window and looked out over the wet lawn. we were silent for several moments. Finaly, he turned and looked at me. "you did great out there, cori. Your mother would be proud." he smiled a genuine smile that sparkled in his brown-green eyes.
I smiled back "Thank you, sir." i looked down at the itch blanket i was laying under. "It's more than i could say for my father."
Troy's expression saddened "He isn't your father anymore. Coriander, we are your family now."
My eyes began to fill with tears, but i blinked them back.
There was a knock on the door and nathan was back with a tray of fruit. "I hope i didn't interupt." He walked in and placed the tray on my lap. "eat up, you'll need your energy for the celebration." He said with a smile.
I smile back and started to eat.
"I think we should leave cori to rest." said Troy "we will be back to get you in the morning."
They both turned to leave. Nathan stopped at the door and gave me one last look before leaving.
The nurses soon disconected the tubes from my arm. I felt strong. I felt knew.
I got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom connected to the room. There I stood looking in the mirror. A strange new person looked back at me. Her hair was still the black curly hair is had always been. She was still short, only about 5"3. But now her skin was practicaly flawless. I raised my hand up and placed it on the glass, she did the same. I looked into my new eyes. They were silver. Not gray like a fogy lake, but silver like a full moon.
I was a werewolf.
Hey Kait,
I'm Puck and I'm here to review this piece. I hope this is the first chapter. My suggestions and comments will be in green whilst obvious grammatical stuff will be in read. I haven't done a review for a while so if I get anything wrong, please forgive me.
The grammatical problems are basically the same. you forgot to capitalize the " i ", the names of people: you didn't put commas at certain places and stuff like that.
Aesthetically I have to agree with Story, this has been done a lot of times and stuff like this aren't really original anymore. Anyway, please keep writing.
Puck
Okay, so there are things that definitely need to be fixed. Grammatically, the errors could be collected in clusters - places where periods should be commas, where spelling errors are made, and where you suddenly shift to present tense.
Your characters came too quickly to get a proper introduction, and so my advise on that front is to s l o w it down. Give us more time to know your main character. Let us take in more of her emotions, which she currently fails to reflect.
And of course I could point out that the werewolf-novel thing's been done a thousand times, and that you're at serious risk for cliche, but I'm sure you're aware of that. ^^ This story has potential, but it needs to be cleaned up.
If you need anymore help or reviews in the future, just let me know. :]