"Blake what did you do?" Jesse asked hovering over him. He looked up at her with red wet eyes, "I... I tried to help her forget." he sobbed. She didn't know what to do. Blake didn't seem like the type of guy that would cry.... ever. She sat next to him and waited expectantly for him to tell her, "Blake tell me what you did." he looked at her as if asking for forgiveness. His voice weak and quiet he spoke, "When Olivia first took us in i found a book about magic in that room, the one with the handle missing, it had a bunch of spells for healing. One of the spells was for forgetting things," tears soaked his eyes, "At night i could hear her crying in her sleep, and when she was awake she never smiled. When you lose someone you are sad for a while, but we lost an entire kingdom that she was connected to and she would never get over that if I didn't try to do something. So i used the spell and told her she hit her head and that's why she couldn't remember her life. It worked for years until one day she came home different, confused. Olivia said Taylor thought she saw someone she knew on a field trip. After that I could tell she was remembering more everyday. She closed herself off from others and started that damn garden. The more she remembers the more she hates me."
"She doesn't hate you. How could she have known you did that spell?"
"I don't know! Before you got here she hadn't spoken to me in a month. She came home one night and yelled at me for stealing what was hers." Tears flooded down and he covered his face with his hands, "I was only trying to protect her."
Jesse grunted, "I don't know if you noticed but she doesn't need protecting, she can hold her own quite well." She smiled at him. He shot her a wistful half smile, "I guess your right, she isn't the same as before." His voice was smooth and captivating, as if he was talking about Jesse and not Taylor. And his eyes were so blue.... thump, thump. She felt herself blushing and quickly looked away. Clearing her throat she said, "Shes lucky to have you as her brother." He smiled, "Thanks Jesse." A few moments passed without words until he spoke. "I have an idea, are you in?"
"Sure what is it?"
He leaned in so close to her ear that she could heel his breath and whispered, "Let's kiss."
Her face turned beat red and he burst out laughing clenching his stomach. She punched him hard in the side causing him to laugh harder. She smiled at him, when he was happy he looked like a charming prince. "Calm down it was just a joke." he looked around, "But it doesn't have to be." She punched his arm halfheartedly as he laughed. Sighing he laid down with his head on her lap. She blushed a bit but he was facing the other way. "Really funny." she whispered.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,838 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was an interesting little chapter and well, certainly doesn't make for a bad start at all here, I've got a couple of things I might wanna point but well, more on all of that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ohhh...well that sounds like a classic case of someone trying to do something good for another person but the whole thing accidentally backfiring due to unforeseen reasons. Well...at any rate, this certainly gets your attention here with what's going on. Not to mention that on top of that it appears that something properly terrible must have happened to warrant a course of action that severe and well that's also quite intriguing. Pretty neat start to so far here.
Well, that's a line that is used by a lot of folks in stories after they've done something on a level like that which is crossing quite a line as far as I see things especially when done without the person's permission. One one hand I want to feel sorry for this dude but on the other hand, he doesn't seem to even realize there's a mistake on his part which is not a great sign...
Oooh, okay well that's hinting in a totally different direction as well as addressing this issue. One one hand I always love a good bit of flirting in a story, especially when its quite as sweet as this one...but on the other hand I feel like this is glossing past the issue with his sister far too quickly there. She brings up one good point but it looks like both of them are far too distracted to discuss this reasonably like it probably should be.
Oh well...that ended in more light flirting I see. Well, that is fun to see, I did like that as ending, its a pretty wholesome innocent looking moment there, but once again I have to wonder why the previous issue was pushed aside so casually. That doesn't seem like the sort of thing you'd do that to so I'm automatically assuming these two don't care much for the other girl here if this is how they treat an issue like that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a fun piece here, certainly liked it, and it seem like quite an intriguing story too, one that I would read. There was the one issue I had with how these people acted here...but welll...that's just my opinion..and perhaps you mean for that message to come through.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
Ok, so this was a pretty good chapter. I could picture everything clearly and got a good sense about the characters. Now, I felt a little bit like I was jumping into the middle of a story as I was a little confused about a couple things. For instance, who is Taylor? I noticed that this isn't actually listed as "chapter 1" so I assume you just wrote this as a scene that you plan to add onto more later? Anyway, onto a few nitpicks...
feel not heel.
beet not beat.
The first paragraph is very long and I noticed a few places in it where it should be in a new paragraph. For example: "She didn't know what to do." should be in a new paragraph since it's switching to talking about her. Then when it says "He looked at her as if asking for forgiveness." That should be on a new line as well. Later when you say ""She's lucky to have you as a brother." He smiled." The "He smiled." bit should be on a new line as well. Hopefully that all made sense.
Lastly, when Blake is telling us his story of using the spell, you did a really good thing where towards the beginning of his sentence, you break it up by saying "tears soaked his eyes." It wouldn't hurt to put another description in there somewhere to break up the long narrative.
That's it! I'm really intrigued to know more about their story and find out the characters histories. You showed that Jesse has a crush on Blake in a really nice, subtle way and you did an awesome job of showing instead of telling us that. Your sentences also flow pretty nicely. I enjoyed reading this piece and will keep an eye out for another part. Keep writing and happy new year!
-Lefty
Thanks for the feedback! This isn't chapter 1 just a piece of the story. It's my first piece putting online and I wasn't sure how or if people would like it, so i decided to put more of an interesting scene out there. Thank you so much for the help it's much appreciated
ah, I wondered.
No worries! I'll keep an eye out for if you post another chapter. I'd be happy to review it.
Hi, pretezelsnow here for a review
Well, I am not sure if I jumped in on something in the middle of a story or something and sorry if I did because then my review is only for this chapter. I like how while Blake opens up to Jesse they get closer together, and from the last lines I get the impression that a budding romance is happening. Do you want your readers to get that impression? Think about your plot line and analyze your work carefully.
I also encourage you for every beginning of a quotation to skip a line, use the proper format to make it look more professional to a reviewer's or possible future editor's eyes.
This is just a suggestion but here in this sentence:
The typical writer does three in a line thump,thump,thump
This makes it look better visually and this is the common and excepted practice to do it like that.
Through this writing shows the genuine concern of Blake to his sister Olivia. A couple questions went through my mind that I want to address: If Blake put this magic spell on Olivia what did his parents have to say? How long ago was this? Why is Blake so upset over Olivia gaining back her memory? Isn't that a good thing? Why was Olivia so sad that Blake had to erase her memory? Add more details like. It really helps!
I just wanted to let you know that these are the questions that go through my mind as I read it.Just want you to be aware that this is normal for readers to have, questions that the writer best answer.
Overall though, I do like how honest and emotional Blake was and that he could open up the Jesse.This is a very touching private conversation although you could work on adding more details.
Well, I hope that this review helps and I encourage you to keep on writing.
-pretzelsnow
Thanks so much! I wasn't aware that there should be three so thank you very much for letting me know
Without going into to much detail I will answer some of your questions. Firstly Blake's sister is Taylor, Olivia is someone that "adopted" them a few years back. Their (Blake and Taylor's) parents died and this causes Taylor pain. Blake took her memories but she can still feel the pain from them and she has a hard time figuring out why. Oh and yes there is a budding romance between Jesse and Blake. Thanks again for the feedback.
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
First of all, I was just a bit confused about this chapter – I’m not sure if it’s the first chapter of something, or a chapter halfway through a story. It doesn’t seem like a beginning as you’re obviously acquainted with the characters and there appears to be some kind of context behind this scene, so I’m assuming it’s somewhere in the middle of your story.
Overall I thought this was really good and it definitely shows a lot of potential. If I was familiar with the events leading up to this story it would probably make sense, but obviously I haven’t read the beginning so I can’t completely understand the context in which it is written. However, I can give you some more general feedback:
The content of your writing is excellent, and you have some good ideas here. The delivery could probably do with some improvement to make the story read better and to hold the audience’s attention.
For example, your first paragraph is very long. Even though this is virtually all Blake’s dialogue, there’s still a way to split this up. If you split the monologue into a couple of paragraphs, you can add a speech mark at the beginning of each new paragraph to let the reader know that Blake’s still speaking, like this:
“…but we lost an entire kingdom that she was connected to and she would never get over that if I didn't try to do something.
Add a new line and continue Blake’s speech (but don’t put a speech mark at the end of the paragraphs unless Blake has finished talking)
“So i used the spell and told her she hit her head…”
In writing it’s usual to add a new paragraph every time the speaker changes (to make it easier to read) so the first paragraph should end up looking more like this:
“Blake what did you do?” Jesse asked hovering over him. He looked up at her with red wet eyes.
“I... I tried to help her forget.” he sobbed.
She didn't know what to do. Blake didn't seem like the type of guy that would cry.... ever. She sat next to him and waited expectantly for him to tell her, “Blake tell me what you did.”
he looked at her as if asking for forgiveness. His voice weak and quiet he spoke, “When Olivia first took us in i found a book about magic in that room, the one with the handle missing, it had a bunch of spells for healing. One of the spells was for forgetting things,” tears soaked his eyes, “At night i could hear her crying in her sleep, and when she was awake she never smiled. When you lose someone you are sad for a while, but we lost an entire kingdom that she was connected to and she would never get over that if I didn't try to do something.
“So i used the spell and told her she hit her head and that's why she couldn't remember her life. It worked for years until one day she came home different, confused. Olivia said Taylor thought she saw someone she knew on a field trip. After that I could tell she was remembering more everyday. She closed herself off from others and started that damn garden. The more she remembers the more she hates me.”
The other thing I noticed was some quite minor errors which should be easy to correct. For example, “i” should always be a capital I.
“I guess your right” should be “I guess YOU’RE right” (the word “your” is a possessive, for example “it’s your choice” but “you’re” is a contraction of “you” and “are.”)
“Shes lucky to have you…” should be “She’s lucky to have you.”
“her face turned beat red” should be “BEET red.”
“she could heel is breath” should be “she could FEEL HIS breath”
Apart from that just remember to capitalise the starts of sentences – such as “he looked at her as if asking for forgiveness” (it should start with “He looked…”)
Don’t be discouraged by my feedback – I really liked this extract and the actual text was really good, it was just the way it was laid out on the page that let it down a bit. You’re obviously a talented writer and once you’ve worked on the formatting and punctuation it’ll make it much easier to read – you’ll probably be quite surprised at the difference! Hopefully my review was helpful, and made sense. Keep on writing, and I’d love to read some of your future work!
Thanks! I've really never shown anyone what i write and i wasnt sure how it should be spaced out. So thanks so much for the help! And i didnt even notice all the spelling errors, how embarrassing. I'm glad for the feedback though