The wind brushes across my skin as I swing back and forth. Even through the crisp autumn air I could still feel the heat of my perfect summer. The swing set still creeks loudly even with only one person on it. Why does everything remind me of him.
I close my eyes and go back to the first day I remember seeing him.
I look over to the loud boy in the red chair. 'Who is he? He looks familiar.' Suddenly his laugh filled the room. 'What a nice smile... I've seen him before.' The rest of my day was spent trying to get him to notice me. 'Maybe if he noticed me he will remember me and I'll figure out why he looks familiar.'
I threw myself from the swing midair, with a hard thump my knees hit the sand. The day I first told him I loved him I did this very same thing, in this very same park. Three years ago. Time passes by so quickly without realizing. There were so many times throughout the years that we could've been together but something was always in the way. Neither of us could admit our feelings at the same time as the other, just a never ending game.
But I thought our game was finally resolved this summer. After I broke up with the third guy because of him. Picking up a handful of sand watched as it fell through my fingers. I smiled at the memory of the first time he held my hand.
'I think my hand is about the same size as yours.' 'No i don't think so, let me see.' I reached out and held my hand up to his, 'I guess you're right.' I smiled, then his fingers locked around my hand and i froze. Butterflies exploded in my stomach and I couldn't prevent the smile that crept across my face. Across from me his eyes were shining like diamonds. No one else possessed blue eyes like his, i could get lost for days in them. 'My bus is here.' Grinning, he let go of my hand, 'I'll text you.'
I stood up and brushed the sand from my pants and hands, and I began to walk the trail around the park. Funny how it feels like the world is darker when it really hasn't changed at all. The trees still move the same, only now they are shedding reminding me of the reality of life. The ground still has the same dips and tiny hills, only now the grass has begun to dry out and turn that ugly shade of brown. The breeze still blew across the pond the way it did the time he decided to go for a swim.
'I wanna go swim.' 'No, it's probably really cold.' I assured him. 'Eh i'll be okay.' Suddenly he took off in a sprint, expecting me to run after him. 'Don''t do it!' But he was already half way to the other side of the park. When i finally caught up to him he was already in the middle of the pond. I couldn't help but smile. He's so bold. 'What are you doing?' I yelled laughing. 'I'm swimming!' With a sigh I sat down and waited for him to come back out of the water.
It still makes me laugh the way he had to drag himself out of the muddy water. Two months without talking and he still makes me smile everyday. How he managed to get such a grip on my heart I will never understand. I just can bring myself to hate him as much as I wish I could for hurting me. sighing I noticed my feet had stopped moving. I was in the spot. Our spot. The only spot on this gravely path that I don't mind stepping in duck poop just to stand in. Closing my eyes I imagined traveling back in time just to do it again.
Just then he smiled sending my stomach into knots. Just do it I thought. Before I could change my mind I grabbed his shoulders and pressed my lips to his, almost missing his mouth. Just a quick, sloppy, nervous kiss. Pulling back I swallowed the lump in my throat. I just kissed him first! I just kissed him. Oh man what did I do. 'See that wasn't so bad' I said after a moment. A sly smile crept across his sweet lips, 'No I wasn't.' A sigh of relief escaped me. Suddenly he pulled me closer and into a real kiss. A perfect kiss.
Thinking of it still made my head spin. I waited three years to be able to kiss him. It's a memory I know I could never taint. My heart began to ache as I made my way under the rickety gazebo. Laying my head down on the picnic table I felt a tear run cold down my cheek.
Putting my head on his shoulder I took in his warmth. If only I could stay right here forever. The stars, like everything else, looked brighter from here. After a moment he began to sway back and forth. 'What are you doing?' I asked laughing. He hugged me tighter, 'Dancing with you.' He told me. Taking my hand he spun me around then back again. Then I kissed his cheek, 'You're so amazing.' 'Lies.' He said spinning me once more.
A shiver ran down my spine bringing me back to the cold reality. With shaky legs I stood up and continued my walk. If only I could forget. I though to myself, instantly regretting it. I got the fairy tale I had always wanted. Even if it was only for a short time. Making my way back to my car I fought back the urge to cry more. I wonder if he misses me? He probably doesn't. Absently pulling the lanyard with my car keys out of my pocket, I managed to drop them on the ground. Letting out an empty laugh, "Of course." Just then, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. Digging it out, my heart began to flutter as I read the words on the screen. I wanna hang out. Come get me. Quickly picking up my keys I jumped in and started my car. Maybe, I thought, my fairy tale isn't over yet.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Hey there, Thanataphobic here for a review!
I really, really enjoyed that story! Right from the start I got pulled into a very bittersweet romance that just ensnared my mind and wouldn't let go.
Onto some things to point out:
- Tenses
Apart from the narrator's flashbacks about his/her lover, I believe that the story was supposed to be in present tense, as the introuduction is written that way, and a few lines were written in past tense. For example:
"I threw myself from the swing midair, with a hard thump my knees hit the sand."
I believe this is how it should be written:
"I throw myself from the swing midair, with a hard thump my knees hit the sand."
I also noticed that you kept fluctuating between writing in present tense and past tense, before writing in past tense for the final and third final paragraphs. This can be very disorientating for readers, but it's a problem that's rather easy to fix.
- Grammar
There quite a few grammatical errors scattered throughout the story, and I recommend reading over your piece and thoroughly making sure there are no mistakes. Although, they are extremely easy to edit and fix. An example:
"I just can bring myself to hate him as much as I wish I could for hurting me."
I presume you meant "can't" instead of "can".
Another example:
If only I could forget. I though to myself, instantly regretting it.
- Pacing
I personally felt as if the last paragraph was rather rushed and lacked certain elements. I can only assume the narrator is happy and excited because s/he jumps into the car. As the writer, it's part of your job to tell the readers how the narrator feels, not leave it for them to infer. Does their heart start racing after the recieving the text? Does she smile so wide it hurts? Is she nervous or scared to see him after two months of silence?
Those last few lines have the potential to be extremely powerful and really bring the story home, but lacked the raw emotion needed.
Onto the positives!
- Favourite Lines
"Even through the crisp autumn air I could still feel the heat of my perfect summer."
I can already get a feel of melancholy and nostalgia from the narrator, and I seriously commend you on being able to pack so much mood into one sentence without going overkill.
"Funny how it feels like the world is darker when it really hasn't changed at all. The trees still move the same, only now they are shedding reminding me of the reality of life. The ground still has the same dips and tiny hills, only now the grass has begun to dry out and turn that ugly shade of brown."
This whole part just... blew me away. It was as if the narrator suddenly had a rude awakening and finally got to see the other side of the world around them, without taking away its original beauty.
- Overall Romance
I really like how the two characters fell in love. It was down to Earth, realistic and relatable. The flashbacks were informative and sweet and really made me enjoy this story even more.
So all in all, this was a great read with a few things you need to work on. I hope this helped!
Hello there! I'm just going to jump right in, so here goes!
You opened very well, the first two sentences really drew me in and I thought "the heat of my perfect summer" held a lot of feeling in it. I think you should add a little bit more to the intro before jumping into the part about him. I know this is about memories of the boy and narrator's relationship, but for me I need to feel a bit more of a connection to the person telling the story.
You just kind of throw the reader into these descriptions without much context. Like when the narrator is remembering when she (I assume) first encountered the boy, you give us the color of the chair he's in but not where they are. Could be school, could be church, the YMCA, a party, I don't know. That little flashback just leaves me with more questions than information on their relationship. Why does he look familiar to him, had they met before, how old are they supposed to be, did he notice her, how did their relationship actually begin?
Careful with your repetition of words so close together. In some instances it can add power to a piece, but I've found more often than not it tends to do the opposite. Variety is key!
Another thing I noticed was your tense jumps around a lot, which is normal with flashbacks, but you want to make sure that you keep it consistent. You start out in present tense on the swingset, switch to past when she jumps off, then have a mix of both when she's playing with the sand. All of these are supposed to happen in the present, so you've just got to make sure that's obvious to the reader.
Here I wasn't sure about who was saying what, was it his idea to compare hand sizes or hers? I love it when characters have conversations that just seem like real people talking, and you definitely captured that. But in order to build the relationship between them, you need to add in some more basic background. What were they talking about before that lead to comparing hand sizes? To make it realistic try adding some friendly banter, flirting or something to make their connection a little deeper. Then there's the eyes like diamonds part. I know it's hard to describe blue eyes without being cliche but if you're going to try, then try to do it with some originality. Jeez, I'm sorry that sounded really harsh, I just don't know any other way to put it.
So generally I need a little more insight into the characters, their world and their relationship with each other. Like why haven't they talked in two months, what went wrong? I'm sure so many people can identify with this story, having an attraction and connection with someone but it never really pans out. I know there's definitely been times that I've struggled with something similar, so I'm assuming this is based off of your own personal experience. If it is than I can totally understand not wanting to go into much detail, but your readers need that to feel an emotional connection to your characters and their situation. Fictional or not, I hope things work out between them! I also hope this review helped, and if you'd like to expand on this and need some help just PM me and I'm more than happy to help!
Have an amazing day and keep writing!
~Hope
A review, an opinion.
You could develop your character’s thoughts slightly in the first paragraph to better show how everything reminds her of ‘him’. The beginning sentence of the fourth paragraph could use a semicolon instead of a comma. The three beginning phrases of your fifth paragraph are sentence fragments, which are harder on the reader. Reading through, I thought a few commas were missing, as my mind needed a break in a few areas; or, there were commas in the wrong place, such as when you begin sentences with -ing words. If you desired to expand on this short story, I would suggest developing your character’s small memory sequences and how he looked at her.
I liked the ending and how your characters fell in love. Your descriptions are good as well.