An Oyster in an ocean..

Hey Kaif,

Wow, just for sheer aesthetic purposes I love the layout of this poem and the alternating boxes, I'd love to discover what your thought processes were for making the decision!

Overall, I thought the poem interesting. I wrote a similar-ish poem once, so I sort of saw the ending coming before I reached it. That could just be me - but just my own opinion I thought it was a bit anti-climatic. That being said, the rest of the poem had a neat rhythm to it, and I especially liked some of the word phrasings: sylph in sky being one of my favorites -- that just sounds like silk in my ears.

Just watch for a few places like whirring tide doesn't really work for me, whirring is too mechanical a sound for something as organic/natural as waves. Whir of wings I can handle -- but not of tides? Maybe churning? The makes me jolting seems a bit forced to me, I think it's the verb "makes" that is bothering me here -- I'm not too sure what it is, but it does sound a bit awkward/off.

Other than those places, not bad! Interesting idea and I love the experimentation!

~ as always, Audy

Hi there, Kaif ^-^, and Happy Review Day!
I say this to everybody, but feel free to ask me to review anything at any time ^-^ I genuinely don’t mind. I also help with editing, it’s sort of my forte, so if you’re ever uncertain about your work or have over read a piece, you can have me examine it and I’ll do my best to give advice and whatnot.
Anyway, back to reviewing!
I have to agree with Aley: “Having the structure scattered like this is really not helping the poem that much. It does create interest visually, but there's not enough of a reason for the visual aspect.” True words from a wise writer Whereas I like the format, it sows a bit of discord and disorder for me. It disconnects the reader from having the words “flow”.
It’s a nice piece, but I’d advise you to take it back under for some operation. Polish it up a little! Loosen the strings and tie them back up together in a nicer, neater format, and smoother stanzas.
Other than that, Well done, keep writing, and do your best!

Catnip~

Having the structure scattered like this is really not helping the poem that much. It does create interest visually, but there's not enough of a reason for the visual aspect. As this poem stands now, you have a lot of different symbols which really jump around, just like your stanzas do. Aside form that the rhyming seems kind of forced and I'm not sure if that's because you're trying to rhyme, or because you like the way that sounds best. Personally I have a beef with constant rhyming. I used to do it a lot too, but I ended up feeling too constrained by it and I got rid of it. You might consider writing a villanelle, or a sonnet to play with structure and explore rhyming at the same time.