Published September 21, 2010
It's been a while since I've posted anything. Then again, it's been a while since I've found motivation to write. Hope you enjoy. Unedited, unrevised, one shot.
It’s been a while
It’s been a while since I felt like my chest was about cave in
Like my heart exploded into a black hole and is sucking everything in
It’s been a while since I couldn’t stop thinking about something for more than a minute
No make that a second. A millisecond.
Like whenever my mind wanders it comes right back and shames itself for even thinking about leaving.
It’s been a while since all I had to do was hear one word and smile the rest of the week.
It’s been a while since I’ve longed for a specific kind of warm that must be at a specific height and size.
It’s been a while since I could see prettier things but realize the only pretty thing I want was just this one thing.
Sure I could dream all I want about those prettier things but it’s a nightmare when I see that I can’t have that one pretty thing.
It’s been a while since I’d question my every motive and double check myself in the mirror hoping I look my best today, every day.
It’s been a while since that old feeling has come out. I’ve had 12 long and cold winter seasons all year round.
It’s finally done hibernating.
It wants to come out and play with someone and that someone is you.
You see, it’s been a while since a girl made me feel tears weld up in my eyes.
It was fortunate that you weren’t there to see or else the tears would be waterfalls down my cheeks.
It’s been a while since I’ve been so crazy over anyone.
I swear I daydream more than I breathe.
Babyface said it best, “I only think of you on two occasions. That is Day and Night.”
But the nightmares are even more prominent giving that I may never be with you.
I may never get to intimately feel your warmth every day and night.
You can keep your clothes on because all I need is your touch. Your warmth. The beating of your heart and rhythmic breathing.
Like a gem on the ground, it’s inevitable that someone will pick you up and keep you forever.
They’ll treasure it so much because they know that they’ll never find another gem.
I’ll be the guy watching you get picked up and carried away.
Knowing that could have been mine but I was too far away with no way to get to you.
Then so it’d be begin that lifelong search of another gem when the one I wanted is in someone else’s caring arms.
Maxwell said it best, “I will not see what I cannot have forever. I’ll always love you. I hope you feel the same.”
Girl flap your pretty wings and fly away to love.
Someone better is going to love you. Someone.
But, it’s been a while.
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140,605 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
I really, really liked this.
I loved the stream of consciousness. It actually flowed better than if you'd chosen a few sentences and put them together in a poem.
I didn't find any spelling/grammer errors.
Another thing that I LOVED was how it reminded me of the Staind song, which is also called "It's Been A While". I guess that's why it reminded me of it, but as I was reading it I could put the music to the words of your poem.
Great job!
- RedRaven
Wow thanks guys! I appreciate the comments! I'll definitely look into editing this piece now.
Hi kaiden!
I really like this. I've always liked semi-stream-of-consciousness pieces, and this is good. It has a sort of rhyme scheme, but not quite. I think this could flow much better with some editing. I also think the repetition of "it's been awhile" can be switched to make your ending more powerful. Also, as Snoink pointed out, "weld" should be "well." Other than that, the other reviewers caught the major problems.
Good job!
SporkPunk
i always tend to write things like these: straightforward, on-the-spot, straight out from a scratch and into the keyboard..but i guess i've never been brave enough to write something so unsettling like this.
*oh, sorry. um, hello kaiden.
so, here goes. overall, this is great, it expresses your emotion clearly, like your heart really shouts it from inside you. i can feel it. i also think it will be nice in stanzas, but of course that will still depend upon you. i'm looking forward for the edited version.
i can sympathize with you in this line. honest.
write. whatever inspires or discourages you.
Hey kaiden,
I've always had a certain fondness for this kind of semi-stream-of-consciousness poems, and how they tend to make the repetitions maybe not always good, but at least tolerable. You've already got a bit of a rhythm set here, but you're not quite there yet: the flow in your sentences get iffy.
Tense is iffy here. I'd say change the "is sucking" to "sucked".
Transition too abrupt. You could probably find a way to make those lines more seamless.
Major repetition of "thing" here. Fix it.
Numbers in the middle of text look weird. Maybe it's just me though.
Repetition of "tears". Watch out for that, it ruins the flow. Also, "waterfalls" is a tad exaggerated, don't you think?
Love repeated, and the "girl flap your pretty wings" reads a bit cheesy.
Those are the main issues, but the flow in general could be improved on, and the wording throughout is often a bit too simple/stale. Try fixing those, and I think you could improve this quite a bit.
Hope this helped.
Jag
The message was great, I did enjoy reading this.
However, I noticed a complete lack of rhythm and rhyme schemes, in other words, this isn't a lyrical poem, rather, it's prose. Keep in mind that the term "lyric", in regards to poetry, refers to poetry which follows a preconventionalized rhythm and rhyme scheme that creates uniformity and precision whereas prose refers to poetry that focuses on variety.
In other words, it's a great poem, but it doesn't belong in lyrical poetry.
Please do continue writing and finding inspiration to do so.
Hi kaiden!
Oh my... the words "unedited" make me quake! But really, this was pretty good! I only found one typo:
You see, it’s been a while since a girl made me feel tears weld up in my eyes. <-- "weld" should be "well"
Anyway! I love the stream of consciousness idea and everything! Very neat. The one thing that I think you might want to edit, should you choose to edit, is the repeating "it's been a while." I think, with every repetition, those four words get more and more tired. So, when you use them at the end, it sounds kind of flat. So definitely, take those out! It'll spice up your poem, and in the completely right way.