Published March 12, 2010
I have a question
Can I tell you my confession
of my obsession over you?
And how you got me stressing
keeping me guessing if you like me too?
I need a therapist with infinite sessions
and a Church to thank my blessings
and questioning if our hearts are capable of meshing?
I gotta get to know you better
Cuz I'm feeling a bit under the weather
But I'm not the go-getter
kind of guy
In fact I'm a bit shy
Don't ask me why
But if I could I'd say you have some beautiful eyes
And I'm not gonna lie
Your rating is sky high
Cuz girl you are gorgeous
If beauty made life you'd bring up a forest
If it was raining I'd ask you to smile just to get some sunshine
Now I know I'm spitting out cheesy lines
But if I had you all the bees would envy me
Cuz I got the sweetest honey
You see I'm actually kind of funny
But you'd never know it
Cuz I'm too nervous to show it
Too afraid to blow it
When I'm trying to impress you
But I like you, I really do
The question is, do you like me too?
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Ooh I love it! I agree with previous posters that it would sound AWESOME as song lyrics! You should totally build on this, and use it as song lyrics...if you want. It sounds sweet the way it is, as a poem...but as a song...it could sound...A-MAZING! <3
Dude this was really cool. and fresh. It def. had energy to it. It read sort of like a rap like the guy above me said.
My favorite line:But if I could I'd say you have some beautiful eyes
just because you say it in a different way. And my only thing is you can change 'Cuz' to 'Cause'
good job with this! it felt very sincere and grown up from a little poem a 13 year old would write to a girl he likes
It sounded more like a rap or a freestyle than a poem, but you have it in the poetry section, I'm going to critique it as a poem.
The Good
I really liked your imagery, a lot of your metaphors were really vivid, so it brought alot of life to your poem. like
"If beauty made life you'd bring up a forest
If it was raining I'd ask you to smile just to get some sunshine"
these were AWWWWESOME! lol
As for the main topic i love it, love/infatuation is really easy and fun to write about, and it is always fun for your reader too.
The not so Good
Okay some of your stuff felt like you were trying to be Dr. Dre, haha like
"But if I had you all the bees would envy me
Cuz I got the sweetest honey"
Idk it sounds possessive, and really aggressive, it sticks out in a bad way, it isnt a bad line in general - but because of how you write before & after these lines, it dosent fit at all.
You also ask several questions, and that can make each question alone loose its kick.
Other than that its really cool & i like it - i bet the girl will like it more
Thanks for the review guys! I never expected my poem to be in the featured works, it's a big first for me.
but just so everyone knows, when I wrote this, as I do with most of my poems, I had the spoken word style in mind. Which is why you hopefully caught onto the rhythm of the poem. Thanks again!
Congrats on the feature, dude.
Bahaha, I'm pretty sure Shel Silverstein is male...
Hey, Kaiden! I loved your poem. There's nothing really to say that hasn't been said already, so I'll just say that whoever this is about must be really special, to you and just in particular. Keep on writing. I hope this is shown to the inspiration?
Okay, well, I had one nitpick...
The questions you have lined up at the beginning aren't actual formulated questions.. at least, they didn't look like that to me. When I read it, the little voice in my head was doing that one thing you do when you say a question where it goes a little higher at the end of the sentence? And, well, it threw me off?
You see, it just needs to be an actual question and I will absolutely adore this poem even to the extent of showing it to my friends, it's just too sweet.
Love,
Fixed
Hey there! I have to agree with Megan, this seems more like a rap song, but not because you shorten the words, like "cuz" (anyone can do anything in poetry, really). The rhyme scheme is very much like a rap song would have, and it has that sort of beat.
There really isn't too much wrong with this poem, although your rhyme scheme isn't a very straight forward one. Which is perfectly fine, as well, just unusual for poetry.
My only complain might be, to you, a silly one, and I really hope you don't take it the wrong way. I'm saying this as a person who studied literary poetry, and not much else. To me, a poem has to have some effect on the reader; make the reader feel, think, react. Anything, really, but it has to do something to the reader, or it isn't much of a poem. This poem is more specifically directed at a single person, and any other reader is unimportant as such, at least in the scope of the poem. Please don't take this the wrong way - I'm not saying, 'You're a horrible writer and this is not a poem'. It certainly is a poem, but it's more like a Shel Silverstein poem or something. (Not that I've read much of her.) It's in verse, it has a rhyme scheme - but there isn't much beyond it that makes it poetry.
Like I said, I'm not saying it's bad! In fact, if you want this poem to stay like this, by all means do so. But if in the future, you want to pursue other kinds of poetry, keep in mind what I've said. I guess that's a very, very silly way to review this poem, but that's how I'm going to do it.
I like it, it's cute, but it reminds me more of a rap song than poetry. I hope you didn't find this too mean or anything? I really am trying to be helpful! So, I'll wish you best of luck with this and your next project, and hope you aren't too frustrated with me! If you have any questions about what I've said feel free to message me.
Hey there!
I agree with everyone else!
I can't actually think of anything major in your poem to critique! Well done to you! *applaudes*
Like yuriiko said, I love your poem because it's really sweet, cute and romantic!
There are a few areas where your grammar is a bit off though, not that I'm one to talk!
Also, your poem seems a bit more like song lyrics. Mostly because you use "Cuz", not because. When writing a poem, it's best to use full words, not shorten them down. Unless they're song lyrics that is.
Except for these little errors, your poem is really sweet!
Keep writing
Meg xoxo
cute and romantic!! keep it up! loved it and congratulations for having this as a featured work!!
*likes*
Great job! This was cute and clever. I hardly ever read poetry, so I can't really critique this. My favorite line:
Keep up the good work-
KD
Thanks for the reviews guys! It means a lot to me! To TheNewHero, I guess you could. Let me know if it works! haha
It's so simply innocent and cute. The question that plagues the mind of many people today. Simple, and very enjoyable.
I wish I could critique or edit to make this better, but I can't really say anything bad. Only good things. I liked the trip you took us on through the questions you had for that special one. I probably loved the mixing rhyme. The patterns make it feel very song like. Try and make some changes and give it to somebody who can play a guitar, it might turn out well. Keep up the good work, and have a lucky day!
Really good, maybe one day I'll use this with your permission?
*Liked*