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Lost Without You

by kado


Lost, I've been all day,
Lost, in the middle of May.

Many colours fill the earth with quite a fascinating scent,
Stopping at every flower, I sniff them with delight, 
The dafodils are stunning, the orchids so exotic,

I'm lucky to be lost,
and warmly stuck on you,
I've buzzed around for hours,
Enjoying all the flowers,

I'm ready to be social,
and I miss my family,
I wonder how my queen bee,

Is doing without me,
I really need some honey,

What more must I say?
I'm lost without you.



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46 Reviews


Points: 856
Reviews: 46

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Sat Jul 14, 2012 5:11 pm
Anwesha wrote a review...



Hey Kado!

Your poem is touching and pretty in its subtle grief. I loved the comparison with the Bee. It gave a 'smile' to the poem, if you get what I mean! :-D
Well, there was a bit of a choppy essence at places, like the link was a bit difficult to reason out. And your commas were a bit out of place at times, like, you could have done without them, or replaced them with semi-colons or full stops.
Now, let me just make a few suggestions. Poetry is all up to the poet, so please ignore all of it if you don't agree with them! :-D

"Lost, I've been all day,
Lost, in the middle of May.(Lovely opening.)

Many colours fill the earth with quite a fascinating scent,
Stopping at every flower, I sniff them with delight,
The dafodils are stunning, the orchids so exotic,(Why this comma? I'd rather stop here.)

I'm lucky to be lost,(Since she is not with you now, it should have been "I was", I guess.)
and warmly stuck on you,
I've buzzed around for hours,
Enjoying all the flowers,

I'm ready to be social,
and I miss my family,
I wonder how my queen bee,

Is doing without me,(The stanza should have been the same, since you are continuing with the same line.)
I really need some honey,(This should be a full stop as the next line in on a different note.)

What more must I say?
I'm lost without you.(The ending was good. Your helplessness and longing can be felt in all its depth by the simplicity and innocence of your words.)"

Overall, you have done a pretty good job in bringing out your feelings and loneliness. I hope my review is of some avail to you. And I hope you get back to your Queen Bee soon! ;-)
Keep writing, keep improving.

Anwesha





You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote