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Drowning in the Clouds

by kaceymackwriter


Her winds are howling to the dawn of day

Snarling atop her steely plinth

Raised herself to the sky

Beneath the churns of hazy ash

She stokes the patchworks of blinding fires

Inches away, it strikes my ground

Scorching grasses that curl my nose

She growls to her crowded one

Holding defiance past wavering innards


Innocence hasn’t the need to run

I tried to keep my head afloat

Resist the pull of her screaming reality

But she yanks my legs until I bleed

She wraps my arms with the weight of chains

No gasping breath or yearning plea

I utter can be heard

Instead she steals the painful pleasure

Of plucking slow my once feathered wings


This bitter assault dragged me through the clouds

Punishment towards my trying escape

Her spite for my wings, my vanish from her storm

It drives her desperate cruelty

Desire for such easy addiction in my wake

Petty blows to stroke her ego

Grasping “proof” of her control

Smugness grips her solemn jail

Carefully feeds her casted craving

Judgement falling to the wronged


But I defy her claim of victors

Her triumph means abandon of my dreams to soar

Grounded by my jailer who cannot pass the clouds

I desire witness to the clear above the storm

The free resist for Death to deny

Yearn for the strength, I wish a fate

I dare to refuse, endeavor defy

Stand to run, soothe the wounds

Before forthcoming, stolen flight

Her spoil of war elude her still

My vision and wings are not her right


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30 Reviews


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Reviews: 30

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Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:09 am
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vagrant wrote a review...



Hi there! Vagrant here for a review.

Firstly, what a nice one!

I really like the imagery - it is very solid. You can see the whole scene playing out in your head. I also liked the description that you gave with the poem - 'I have no point to this, I swear' cracked me up a little.

Overall, the structure of the poem is nice. I would have personally loved if you added either an ellipse or maybe a comma at the end of each sentence but if it's your choice not to, then keep it the way it is, no issues.

A few pointers on slight errors I noticed (no offense :p):
- Correct the spelling of 'judgment' in the last line of the third stanza.
- I think the second last line of the last stanza has an error with 'elude' that should be 'eludes' as the subject is 'Her spoil' and it's singular


I like the writing style and word choice as well.

Keep writing!
Cheers!






Thank you for taking the time to write a review!! I'm glad you liked it!! I'll try and fix my errors as best as I can!

~Mack



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Fri Jan 31, 2020 3:35 pm
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Theva says...



Hello! kaceymackwriter
I really like your poem. Your imagination drives me into the new world. It holds lots of emotions. Your Poem Visualize everything in front of me. I really appreciate your imagination level. I Really enjoy your poem.






Thank you so much!! That means a lot to me!



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Fri Jan 31, 2020 3:32 pm
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Theva says...



Hello! kaceymackwriter






Hi!



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Fri Jan 31, 2020 12:03 am
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IamI wrote a review...



One good turn deserves another. So here we are.
This poem is interesting, I haven’t seen a lot poems like this. There’s some great imagery and metaphor here. My biggest suggestion is ending with a period, it would give it more of an air of finality, and I think it would enhance the emotion of the poem. There are some lines that I think need working on like “Holding defiance past wavering innards” I would give suggestions on how to clear this line up, but I really don’t get what you’re trying to say here. Another line in this vein in the third to last line: “Before Forthcoming, stolen flight” again, I don’t really no what what you’re saying here, though I think it is more due to grammatical errors here. So in short: there are some lines that need to be cleared up, but other than that this is a good poem with an interesting tone. I look forward to seeing more.






For the line, "Holding defiance past wavering innards", I was trying to say that the narrator was standing her ground even though she felt nauseous and unsure but I was trying to be clever with it.

"Before forthcoming, stolen flight" The poem focuses a lot on the narrators 'wings' that are a point of escape for them but the opposing side wants the narrator grounded in reality so they stole her wings but she steals them back. She's preparing herself to escape again with her stolen wings and therefore the line is just the prelude to her inevitable escape.

Hope this helped to clear up some of your confusion!! If you have any other questions, I'd be happy to answer them!

~Mack



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Thu Jan 30, 2020 11:34 pm
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BlackThorne wrote a review...



Grammar

1.

Of plucking slow my once feathered wings

there should be a dash between once and feathered.
Example:
Of plucking slow my once-feathered wings


Word Choice and Flow

1.
Snarling atop her steely plinth

most people won't know what "plinth" means. try a synonym.
Examples:
Snarling atop her statue's mount

Snarling atop her steely podium


3.
This bitter assault dragged me through the clouds

"this bitter assault" is very long for such a simple idea. try something faster.
Example:
Attack dragging me through the clouds


5.
Desire for such easy addiction in my wake

I'm not really sure what "addiction" is supposed to mean in this context (elaboration on this further down, under "other")

6.
Her triumph means abandon of my dreams to soar

"abandoning" is much more familiar and coherent.
Example:
Her triumph means abandoning my dreams to soar


Format

1.
the word choice and phrasing of this poem, in general, is mildly incoherent, and the unconventional format doesn't really help-such techniques are more effective with simple words. a more familiar punctuation method would improve translation of the poem's rhythm.
Before Example:
Her spoil of war elude her still

My vision and wings are not her right

After Example:
her spoils of war elude her still,

my eyes and wings are not her right.


2.
breaking this up into stanzas might also improve the poem's comprehension.

Other
1.
it seems you have a lot to say here, but I can't really figure out what it is. maybe with some more time I'd understand, but in general, all I really gathered from reading this was some sort of enemy attacking an angel figure in the sky.

2.
to an external reader, the way it's written is very flat. the combinations of wording, punctuation, and format caused me to basically skim it.

3.
why's this a poem? that's an scrutinizing question that basically sums up the third thing here. mind you, the definition of poetry is boundless, this IS poetry, a free verse piece. but all types of poetry I've encountered have some something more to it than this-which is just some fancy words and an airy, old-timey phrasing. some things I'm talking about that you could/should add:
- imagery, which appeals to the reader's senses
- rhythm and meter, which gives it a satisfying sound
- allusion, which fill in blanks with mainstream culture
- phonoaesthetics, which makes it sound nice
- strategic formatting, which set the pace
- repetition, that link and emphasize ideas
these are just some examples.

despite my confusion on the meaning of this poem, I was still intrigued! I hope maybe you can shed some light on the matter :)
-






For parts of this, I do recognize that it is difficult to understand but that was my intention. In poems like this I write them to be second-guessed and looked back on with confusion. I find that it sometimes allows the reader to search for meaning in different lines rather than my just outwardly explaining it. For me, at least, if a line confuses me, I'll go back and take a closer look at each word and each words placement. I've also been experimenting with unconventional rhyming schemes or rather no rhyming at all just because I like to switch up my style every once in a while.

In the last line, "My vision and wings are not her right", vision means more hopes/dreams like a vision for the narrators future.

I suppose the meaning behind it leans towards a mother and her daughter fighting. The daughter's imagination keeps her head in the clouds as she tries to soar above reality because in her reality being on Earth means constantly feeling like she's drowning. The mom, however, is trying to keep her daughter grounded in more unconventional ways. She's trying to hold her to an unpleasant reality that causes the two to clash and the daughter feel like she's being trapped/drowned by her mom. Since it's written from the daughters perspective, many of the actions taken by her mom seem cruel. Her mother's motivations are unclear due to a lack of proper communication between the two and instead the daughter attempts to find the reasoning (like jealousy for her daughter's imagination ie. her wings because the mom is grounded to reality and unable to escape) and so on.

I hope this shed some light on your confusion and if you have any more questions or if I haven't answered all of the questions posed above, feel free to ask away and I'll try to answer them as best I can! Thank you for writing a review!!

~Mack



BlackThorne says...


oh ok, that makes sense. I still think it should be a little more reader-friendly, but that's just my thoughts. thanks for answering my questions! :)




I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
— Dilbert