Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Starting off before I being with a story that may lead to my sheer insanity, I admit that I am undiagnosed as of today and that I am only going off on instinct, close friends word, and professional websites. I also admit to the fact it probably has come on slowly, from 7th or 8th grade when I was somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13. In middle school I did have severe anger-managment problems, slow-swinging moods and a struggle to keep my emotions in check.
I did not think ahead, and now as I look back I admit my thoughts might have been clouded, sketchy in the realism of ideas and such. I had cleared up, though, over the simmer leading from 8th grade to 9th grade. I calmed down, but after a skin condition I have popped up(whose name has slipped my mind) I started to get these headaches. throughout the years I'm very sure of my swinging moods but over the last year, my sophomore year, they have been spinning in wild circles; going so fast sometimes I think I even miss them occasionally. It worries my friend but a huge fact is that it could be normal considering the fact I am a teenager. Another thing is that I am weird, maybe a little off but neither me nor my friend know what to consider 'normal' and so we don't know if it horomones or something else.
Is it normal that I...feel things in my mind? dark things that make cry, sob and also want to bash my skull into a wall. I mean, as said before I'm a teenager so it shouldn't be normal for me to feel a little confused? A little weird and kind of off? I mean that the person who knows me be, Victoria my best friend and the person I trust more then even my own family, was worried when I first told her. the feelingsthat were telling me things I can't fully and correctly interpret. I mean, feelings do not talk but when there was a twitch in my hand there was a brush in my mind that made my ache to wrap my fingers around a knife and make myself bleed. Yet when I couldn't make myself do such a think, I had an overwhelming sense that I was a coward at the fact I could not let it happen. Or maybe how I would look in the mirror, feel a headache pound in the crown of my head then feel somethign along the lines of 'fat'. I, in a matter of seconds, wanted to stave myself, imagined I liked the weak feeling.
Frustration was entwined with the feelings, making me think I was worthless and like my writing was shit, something people shouldn't waist their time on. I would get these tremors, a shaking feeling to the marrow of my bones and fight against the feeling but it didn't push them away. The headaches with my demons came and went as they pleased. Still, on the other hand, I had these highs from such depressed lows where I felt invincable. Where I felt as if I was pretty in certain lights, I could write well depending on how I worded such things, and that my size was fine.
Victoria, along with my help because the disorders of the mind have always inteigued me, said that I seemed and matched more schizophrenia symptoms rather then bipolar symptoms, and yet she said that I showed combonations of the disorders. There has always been a doubt inside my though, doubt to tell anyone that I still have now. There is some severe paranoia I've had for so long, saying if I do tell I'll be as alone as I feel with my feelings when they appear.
I also realize both disorders can be severe problems and I should not hoke but inside Victoria and I feel something is off. I looked up to see if both disorders could show up in an individual and found Schizoaffective Bipolar DisorderThere is no proven test but...we both think I might have developed such a thing. There is no proof really,except online tests that say I have moderate to severe bipolar risk and mild to severe schizophrenia risk.
A severe paranoia thing about me is I don't tell anyone really about my [rpb;ems, and I have never been able to trust people easily. My own family is definatly not in my comfort zone, and I do not feel as if telling any such member of my family would be productive. The feelings pipe in, making something along the line as 'don't rat them out' and the problem is I feel both terrified and somehow...comfortable in their presence. It is hard to explain but...I feel like I both need help and still recently I have also felt torn, the other part of me developing no desire to be saved.
I don't understand what is going on inside me, and I'd love to be reassured that it is normal, it is intuition, it is ok but I do not know what normal is. I do not tell my mother what I hear, and she doesnt seem to notice my swinging moods as if they are nothing. She is an LPN but...I just do not know. My paranoia, my feelings, and the split emotions and sides. I just...I need to vent over time. I do not know if I'm too young to experience this, and I'd like it if someone on outside gave their opinion.