z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Happy Mothers Day, Mommy

by ka67


"I love you so much Mommy..."the voice drifting through the empty hallways. A dragging sound echo'd with the voice, a voice she had made. The noise was so close, as if pulled by a sound even though the woman wasn't even breathing.

"Mommy! I wanna wish you a Happy Mothers day!"the voice called out, followed by a loud crescendo of something being struck then shattering as it made contact with the ground. The woman jumped, startled by the sound and then she watched as the door opened.

"Oh mommy! I found you!"a terrifying string of words followed by the desperate screaming from Mommy. The little one was giggling, dragging mommy by the hair and saying,once more, "It is Mothers Day, Mommy. We have to celebrate." The little one turned, having stopped in a big room, only to shut the door and flip a series of complicated locks.

"What do you want to do first mommy? Open presents? I do!" the voice was a little high pitched with excitement, the hands clapping eagerly in anticipation, like they weren't trapped in a room that stank like things has perished horribly in here.

"Here, open this one mommy!" the child-like voice said, shoving a sparkly silver box into the woman's hands. The woman's trembly fingers opened the box after carefully tugging off the paper, then her eyes strained in confusion at what lay inside.A silver gleam was lain among the tissue paper, a gleam that stretched with a curving edge before stopping at a dark handle. A tiny hand reached into the box and pulled out the present, a knife which gleamed darkly in the light. The smile on the childish face was followed by,"It is an accessory! And it does this!" before the knife was plunged down and driven into the tender flesh oh the woman's right leg.

Blood pushed up from beneath the dull gleam of the handle, but the child was more interesting in the next present rather than the mothers screams of pain, which rose and fell in time with each beat of the mothers heart. The child smiled, putting the box down next to the woman before taking the knife and slowly turning it.

Fresh screams, fresh blood...

"Next present!"a shrill squeal announced. The woman lay on her side, watching the little one with slitted eyes, Mommys breathing shallow. The child leaned down,puppeteering the hands of the Mother, to open the paper. The wrapping away in a pile of messy,sparkly confetti. A shine emanated from the center, but it was not another weapons. It was a ring, big and shiny, smooth to the touch as well.

"I know you loved this one Mommy!"said the child, gushing in excitement as the young one slipped it on the mothers left hang, on the ring finger, explaining,"Daddy was going to give it to you, but he didn't have time.",ending the sentence with a smile that belonged to an angel.

Such a good disguise really...

"Anyway, next!"the little one called,smiling as they skipped to the only different present.It was wrapped in cheery,yellow paper and was the only one with a tag.

"Open it! It's really sweet!"the little child, a girl if she could be classified as human, said. The mother mussed up the strength to open the paper and pull out a single card.

Mommy,

I really miss you, but i know your happier now. its okay, i am going to be happy soon too. i am going some place nice and i wont come back because i dont want to scare you. i love you mommy


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
274 Reviews


Points: 3742
Reviews: 274

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 8:11 pm
cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hello there, and happy review day!

Oh my gosh. This was chilling. It was a wonderfully creepy twist on Mother's Day. I'm not sure I'll ever look at it the same again. When the child stabbed the mother, my eyes literally widened and I gasped. I'm not even joking. Good job on the suspense!

As the previous reviewer said, you do have a lot of grammatical errors that you could fix by just proofreading this. It would make it a lot cleaner and easier to read.

Now, the pacing seems a bit iffy to me. It all happens so quickly. One minute, the child is calling for the mother, the next, she's stabbing the mother, and so on. I think you should take a minute to describe things more. What is the mother feeling? Why is the child doing this? It would be better if you slowed down a little to fix the little things.

Overall, this was a very enjoyable piece to read, and absolutely one of the creepiest that I've read on this website. Children can be so creepy, as you've shown us in your writing. The last sentence is so final and chilling. Very nicely done! Keep on writing! :)




User avatar
324 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Donate
Mon May 12, 2014 10:00 pm
View Likes
Evander wrote a review...



Hey,

Raven here for a review.

Okay... wow. That was (for lack of better word) creepy.

When I first started reading I didn't realize this was going to be scary.

Throughout this short story you seem to miss a space between the double quotation mark and the words that come after that. And sometimes you forget to put a space between the period and the word after it. Also once or twice you the comma touched to words. Eeck!

time.",ending

Remove the comma and replace it with a space.

A dragging sound echo'd with the voice,

Stuff in red: Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't it echoed???

Then the note by her son was really sweet, just one nitpick about that. You start off with a capitalized "I" then you go and use the lowercase 'i'. I personally would stick with lowercase because it makes it seem more child like.

the little child, a girl if she could be classified as human, said.

I laughed at that part, it was so funny to me.

Anyway, keep on typing,

Raven,




User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 352
Reviews: 23

Donate
Sun May 11, 2014 10:58 pm
Lee0z wrote a review...



Hi ka, Lee here to review your work.

Technical errors: First line, "ove" should be love. "You're like a kitty Mommy." Fourth line should be "smelt" instead of "smell". The last line should be "Then there was only the girl's laughter"

That's all I found technically wrong.

I found this story to be really gripping and a down right twist to Mother's Day. It brings a whole new meaning to the day. Normally if I had not seen that this was a horror, I would not have read it.

But, I did. And I feel that this story is great.

You could use more imagery here, throw in some personification. Wait.. I take that back, don't throw it in, place it in there carefully haha, because if you just randomly add in description in places it does not fit, the reader will know. However, you don't want to put so much in that the story becomes less exciting. We want gore, not prettiness.

I especially like where you've added in the text in the middle of the page as a centred little creepy thingy. (Great explaining Lee, just great.)

I can't really see anything else wrong with this piece.

Overall, I think it's a great story, you're ideas aren't cliché, they're new and refreshing.

~ Lee




ka67 says...


Thanks so much :) I normally have a few typos due to my fast typing and I'm glad my ideas are new :) I'm not sure why i thought of this horror but my brain was like 'Hey...how about a bloody mothers day present?' and I wrote it out :)

Where do you think it'd be best to place a little personification??



Lee0z says...


Cool. I'd suggest using the personification with the gore and blood.




Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
— Roy T. Bennett