I read this a few days ago and have been meaning to get back.
I'd first like to say, what's with the preface? you sound like you have a major chip on your shoulder, buddy. It made me wonder why you're so pissy, and I became quite endeared to you.
"ayudame ayudame." Help me, help me. Am I right? I looked it up.
I like the first stanza, especially the last 2 lines with all the words that kind of rhyme. I don't like the part in parentheses though, I'm not sure why. I think it's the repetition. Also the fact that I don't know what you're trying to say.
you awaken everyday and pick a game to play and i'm always so close honey just a step away...
love,love,love this.
driveway. drive away.
drive a way
into my blood--- INTRAVENOUS
the flood (i beat myself up, i beat myself up)
The beginning of this is so interesting and creative. Then I get confused at the end.
I like the ending of the poem ok. What are the wounds left upon the bed?
Really, this poem has some sort of savage genius that I don't understand. I wish I was inside your brain so I could know what it is about because it's really really good. The lack of capitalization doesn't bother me because i don't think it really gets in the way of the readability. I do think some punctuation in the second to last stanza or the rearranging of some lines would help because I didn't get it the first two or three times because it was hard to read.
So good job, my friend. Sorry this crit was so patronizing. I'm here in kind of a daze. I'd like to read some more by you. Cheers!
rachel
Points: 1361
Reviews: 106
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