Hey Kisba! I'm here to review this.
You're right, this is very unconventional. Poetry can bend the rules, though, right?
To be honest, though, there is a point where poetry crosses the line and becomes fiction, and I think this piece has crossed it. I think it would work if you wanted to make it into fiction, or if you wanted to keep it a poem, perhaps some shortening and reformatting would be in order - eg, more line breaks. Either way is fine, but it would be good for you to really think about what you want to do with it.
Secondly, grammar. As I said before, poetry can bend the rules, and one of those rules is grammar. But fiction cannot, cannot, cannot break grammar rules. And noncapitalization hardly ever works in poetry anyway, so I think you should definitely capitalize this whole thing, dear.
Okay! I'm done with the structure-y stuff, so now onto the actual content. I love this concept; taking an overused metaphor and making it real. It's good. Very good. You obviously have a way with words and talent in that head!
But, again, this does need reformatting (either in poetry or fiction) and capitalization, and until that happens I'm hesitant to critique the actual words.
Good work - just polish it up, and I'll be looking forward to finished, or revised, at least, project!
-Mars
Points: 6403
Reviews: 312
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