Published March 26, 2009
ellipsis
By Kisba
yesterday
...
something was held theft
omitted, taken
removed
i am bereft
of something
from every point that i proved
and i'll busy myself
to forget the wings
he glided on
as i fell
from his arms
onto my feet.
...
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140,867 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
I really enjoyed this - the style is fittingly abstract and to the point. Well done.
I did have a bit of the problem with the line "from every point that i proved." What are you trying to say here? It reads rather awkwardly, and I'm not sure what it's trying to convey, so you might want to tweak that line a bit. Also, I'm not sure about the use of the ellipses either. Part of me thinks they work, but the punctuation nazi in me is screaming in agony XD
Overall a lovely piece, though. I'll look forward to reading some more of your work.
Cheers,
~bubbles
Hi there, Kisba! June here, and I'm going to review this for you. I'm not sure if I have ever reviewed you before, but either way, I'll try to not be harsh ^_^. Let's see:
I love how the theme of this poem is centered around what is commonly used, but seldom focused on. It gives a different abstractness to these words, making it extremely enjoyable to read.
I think it's great that you didn't use punctuation and capitalization here. It makes the poem flow more fluently without it, making us feel the usage of the ellipsis there.
This poem reminds me of a poem one of my friends wrote a few years ago, I believe it was about a period, instead of an ellipsis, though.
I don't have any suggestions to make on this, but I can tell you that I really, truly enjoyed this, Kisba.
Keep up the good work; well done, dear.
June
I like this poem a lot. I like your style, though it can be off a little sometimes. Anyway, lets get to reviewing!
I find this particular poem very hard to review, mostly because my tiny peabrain doesn't know what you're saying! Don't worry, it's not you, it's me (cheesy line!), and I might make some odd critiques since I have to analyze it to understand it!
OK, the line where you say "omitted, taken". Well, on the next line you have another adjective related to those. I wouldn't put omitted and taken in the same line. I'll analyze it for you;
Something was held theft, (add a comma- punctuation!)
omitted,
taken, (see? it looks a bit better on a diff. line.)
and I am (I would remove "removed".)
bereft, (move this to the next line if you remove "removed")
of something,
From every point that I proved.
You see? Of course, it would not be rhyming anymore, but I think it looks a bit better. These are just suggestions.
I hope this helps a bit!