Published September 26, 2007
I was again inspired by... nothing. So I decided to just write about it, nothing. How can you describe nothing? hehe sorry if it's amateurish and the rhymes are all off. =) I do try though =)
Nothing
I start, stop, stay
Nothing, what is that you say?
Why can’t I hear your happy days?
Silence only comes to lay
It lays down like a sheet of snow
Covering what’s left below
The burden beneath
Goes swish as the fires extinguished
My heart, my passion, my soul
Are no more
Engulfed by the winter’s wrath
Of icy sores
Oh how sweet the pain is!
But the cold soon goes away
Replaced once again by the emptiness of Hades
I again hear nothing, nothing!
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Hmm.. I actually kinda liked this; I found it gripping but if you asked me why, I couldn't tell you because I haven't a clue.
I wasn't too sure about your first stanza; it had too many questions one after the other for my liking and I felt that this drags the user down a little when they start to read. What makes it worse is that it is in your opening stanza, so this tends to put people off reading the rest. Also, I didn't like how the first two stanzas carried a rhythm/flow/rhyme that was actually okay and then suddenly, it just stopped all together. Either make a poem that rhymes; or one that doesnt, I don't think mixing it up does the poem much justice.
But you have a really good starting foundation here and it's actually pretty original - which is always good - so keep it up and edit a little, then you'll be sitting on a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Hi again Jasmine!! Hehee i didn't know that it'd be an interesting concept but thanks!! =) Those are really good pointers and I've changed the third line already since it does sound better and i think it's more grammatically correct. Hehee yeah i think these lines are forced since I just threw everything that was seething out of my brain at that time. Heeehee, i think I just like rhyming, even though I'm bad at it, it just sounds better for me. But I think you're correct, my rhyming's all off! hahaa! =) Thanks so much still for the review! =)
Fand makes some very good points, and I do think it would be interesting to scrap the rhyme for the next draft.
As it is, I'll look at what you have here. I think I'd change the third line to:Why can't I hear your happy days?" as I think that it flows better.
I'm not sure about "Silence only comes to lay." It doesn't really make much sense as a sentence in its own right, and sounds a little forced.
I liked the first two lines of the next stanza, but in this stanza the change in the rhyming scheme begins to disrupt the flow.
I think that the third stanza could be more powerful, though I did like "winter's wrath." "Icy sores" sounded a bit forced to me.
I liked the final stanza, but again the change in rhyming scheme makes it jar a little.You've chosen an interesting concept, and I think a littel polish could work magic. Hope this helps.
Wow, thanks so much for the long review! hehe somehow I knew that rhyming it wasn't good... haha! While writing this, I imagined nothing as something that replies to you with absolutely nothing, leaving you cold and sore. I wanted to show a feeling of hopelessness, like how I person would feel being alone in a cave with nothing inside? I guess I better be more specific. Thanks still for the great advice! =)
Honestly?
This poem has potential. Your spotty and inconsistent rhyming patterns make that difficult to see. As it is now, your stanzas go: A-A-A-A / B-B-C-D / E-F-G-F / H-A-I-K.
...What?
Exactly.
Okay, so here's an idea: you've got a decent concept here, and some good preliminary images. Rewrite this completely, but do not rhyme. That's imperative.
And as for describing nothing--well, be ironic. Use something to describe nothing; for example, you could use the space between snowflakes, murky water, an empty cup, an idle pen, the hum of flourescent lights, etc etc.... Be creative
This is a decent start. Looking forward to seeing more of your writing around the site. ^_^