D.Eagle

jwritermonroe wrote:Hello everyone this is a story that I made in the sixth grade and tried revising it this is an excerpt of the un-revised version and after a couple a of comments I will show the revised version.


What to do what to think. Wait! Who am I? Who are you? What am I doing here? Why are you crying? That was last month after I lost my memory. Today I'm living in my families estate in Ireland. Even though I have no idea who my family is and none of the servants will tell me not even my so called childhood friend. Oh by the way my name is Ken and I'm 17 years old. I don't really no my real last name but it's says "Smith" on my birth certificate but I traced it over the internet and found out it was fake. Last month I woke up in a hospital bed covered in blood. I was carrying an amulet and a gun. To be specific it was a Desert Eagle. My childhood friend Katie was crying over me and I had amnesia. Now here I am one month later and nothing known about me. My bodyguard is supposed to be my legal gurdian but I'm not so sure.


Well there is an excerpt please comment!!

Its definately a good start. I really loved the background behind the excerpt. Although, it was a bit confusing from the beginning, but the theme was really intresting. I think you were rushing with your words and thoughts. Anyhow, I hope your revised version will be much more improved. I would love to see what comes up in the story.
Best of luck

I like how you described everything. I could actually visualize in my head some of the things that were going on, such as the hospital scene and you in the estate. It's a really good jumping-off point and I'm hoping to see more of this story in the future if you ever intend to go forth with it.

I like the idea too. It looks like this has potential, have you written anymore? I'd love to see what happens next.
But it seems really rushed. Writing something is a lot slower than reading it, sometimes it's good to go back and read over it to see if it's not going to fast or anything.

Good luck with your writing!

Oh, anytime! Welcome to YWS by the way, I see your new. You're not used to writing in Enlglish? Where are you from?

-Carly

Thanks for the help since I'm not to good with writing English I kinda expected these comments. But I hope to get better in writing so I can write a good story. Thanks.

jwritermonroe wrote:Hello everyone this is a story that I made in the sixth grade and tried revising it this is an excerpt of the un-revised version and after a couple a of comments I will show the revised version.


What to do what to think. Wait! Who am I? Who are you? What am I doing here? Why are you crying? That was last month after I lost my memory. Today I'm living in my families estate in Ireland. Even though I have no idea who my family is and none of the servants will tell me not even my so called childhood friend. Oh by the way my name is Ken and I'm 17 years old. I don't really no my real last name but it's says "Smith" on my birth certificate but I traced it over the internet and found out it was fake. Last month I woke up in a hospital bed covered in blood. I was carrying an amulet and a gun. To be specific it was a Desert Eagle. My childhood friend Katie was crying over me and I had amnesia. Now here I am one month later and nothing known about me. My bodyguard is supposed to be my legal gurdian but I'm not so sure.

This sounds like an amazing idea, but here it is so confusing. You have a lot going on in this one paragraph and it's all jumbled together awkwardly. There's a lot that needs to be clarified and I'm not really sure how to start. I feel like you could reorganize it and it would be more reader friendly.

Here's a few suggestions:

jwritermonroe wrote: " What to do what to think. Wait! Who am I? Who are you? What am I doing here? Why are you crying?" My childhood friend Katie was crying over me and I had amnesia. Now here I am one month later and nothing known about me (This needs reworded a little to make more sense maybe "with nothing known about me"). My bodyguard is supposed to be my legal guardian (guardian?) but I'm not so sure.(What makes you feel unsure?)That was last month after I lost my memory.(I would take this out completely) Today I'm living in my families estate in Ireland. Even though I have no idea who my family is and none of the servants will tell me not even my so called childhood friend. (I would break the paragraphs here and add serious detail to both: how are you living in your family’s estate without knowing who they are? Are they not there? Are you wondering what happened to them? How did the servants react to your questions?)

Oh by the way (I would just omit this, your piece will have more strength without it)my name is Ken and I'm 17 years old. I don't really no (know?) my real last name but it's (it?) says "Smith" on my birth certificate but I traced it over the internet and found out it was fake. (We have a serious run-on problem here) Last month I woke up in a hospital bed covered in blood. I was carrying an amulet and a gun. To be specific it was a Desert Eagle.