a poem for her

jwoot14--


The problem is that the "meaning" of this poem has been "grsp"ed about nine hundred times before already--you have produced nothing even slightly new to this topic, instead collapsing into grammatically incorrect cliché.

And don't worry: with your current attitude towards feedback, you won't be missed.


Best,
Brad

Enough is enough.

*LOCKED*

k, none of you are grsping the meaning... but i dont feel like explaining my ******* logic to you guys.... whatever, i dont write poetry, i just felt like writing this, dont worry i wont write any more **** peotry ever again

Spelling right would be a start, but as you haven't done that, I'm afraid I have to echo everyone else. As Gingie said, Brad is always uber-blighting, but on this occasion, he's right.

It helps on here to be able to take critiscm in the way it is intended. Brad's signature just sums it all up. "Those things that hurt, instruct."

jwoot14--


Not only is cussing generally frowned upon, it's also explicitly forbidden when directed in a derisive way towards other members. That I and others found your work unappealing is no reason to be trollish.


Best,
Brad

you can all go **** yourselves, you all suck, burn in ****

Whoa there, Woot. What is this? For once I agree with Brad when he complains about this poem; and I don't do that very often.

One thing; it's pretty much all cliche. There's nothing wrong with one or two little cliches in a poem - especially about love - but all the way through this, you have used cliche after cliche and that, in effect, clashes with the point you are trying to get across to the reader.

Secondly, the whole rhyming structure you have is just laughable. You use phrases like: "my mind starts peeling" and this just made me laugh for the simple fact; how can a mind peel? Fair enough we know what you mean by it, but you really need to out it in a different way so that the reader takes you seriously.

Third and foremost; you need to proofread! I spotted a number of spelling mistakes in this piece of poetry and also, if you proofread your work, you can improve it so that it sounds better than the first time you wrote it. If you understand that?

Also, instead of using capitals, try using italics. These cut through to the reader more and create a better effect.

Good luck editing,
GingerLove

I'm not sure why, but this poem didn't seem to be what i thought it was going to be.

In fact it was quite hollow in the way it lacked depth and feeling. I'm sorry for being so harsh, i know I'm a new member and the thing i should be doing is making friends, but i also need to be honest to make them !! does that make sense? lol.

Anyhow,

I have some suggestions:

Everytime I see you i get this feeling
My knees start to buckle,
and my mind starts peeling

okay take this little verse here. read it carefully. ok now look at the rhyming. sounds forced doesn't it?
well it is.

you've just placed a word in there that ryhmes but the imagery of the mind peeling only makes your poem a little satirical.

I had to laugh, sorry. but peeling wasn't exactly a deep word and i suggest you try erasing the rhyming and try for some imagery. it doesn't have to rhyme. its prose if it doesn't.

Your poem is a little jolty, but this may be because of your typos?

I suggest you comb through this piece and edit... it could be something so much better.

i wish you luck,

hope you don't hate me.

Baylee xxxx

jwoot14,


"Pure instinct" is not a veritable excuse for murder, theft, adultery or sloppy writing. The magnitude of grammatical errors (riddling it from L1) make me wonder why I, or anyone, should bother to read this, much less consider it?

If you'd even made a marginal effort to read back through this before posting it, you would have seen that rhythm is nonexistent, the rhymes are horrific, and, on the whole, the attempt to be "raw" failed on every count.


Best,
Brad