Prologue: Francis the insane scientist created a time machine, 10 people go back in time to the medival era.... beware, my first story, don't be mean
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Chapter 1: "Well here we are," said John, the leader of this group. "Yeah, but we stick out like a sore thumb." said the comic relief character named Jimmi. "He's right we need new clothes" said some other randome people.(in this group only 4 people matter, The professor, John, Jimmi, and Shirly, who is pretty much the main character in this story) "So how do you suppose we get said clothes?" asked John. "We could try that store that says cheap clothes" said Jimmi. So they walked into the clothes store to see no one around. "Hello?" Asked Jimmi. "We'd kinda like some clothes, but apparently this clothes store has no such things." "Please... g..go away" said a fritened voice from behind the counter. "Wow your really nice, how do you expect to get customers?" asked Jimmi. "Shut up Jimmi, listen sir, we are heroes and we are here to solve your problems, what can we help with?" asked John. "Who is he calling heroes?" Jimmi asked Shirly. "We...well, if yo...you must know, weve been attcked by an evil dragon many times, he... hes very scar... sca... scary." "I'm not scared of any dragon." said John. Just then the dragon swoped down and ate the other 6 people in the group (yeah i killed them off that quick, they don't matter, and im better at writing with less characters). "Wow... okay maybe im a little scared, but we'll help anyway." "Speak for yourself, I'm not going up against some giant fire breathing behemoth." protested Jimmi. (about 5 hours of argumants latter) "Well here we go guys, we'll go kill the dragon." "I must have mental problems." said Jimmi.
(Yeah, it's short, i have a short attention span... it'll get really good latter on, don't worry bout it)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I thought it was a rather funny story, it was pretty good for a first. Just needs the above mentioned spacing, and I agree with the other guy, maybe put the authors note at the bottom, put maybe an * where it is now, and then move the notes to the bottom, so people know who and what your talking about^^. But all around it was pretty good!
Its a good start but also what kinda bothered me was the authors notes in the middle of the sentence that tended to confuse me more than help me maybe you should put them at the end.
another thing if spacing it was really help a story and help the reader understand better.
but i did like your story i hope you continue and i hope this helps you in any way
Yes I agree with mizz-iceberg, this story would flow a lot better, not to mention look better if it's written as a script. I'll do a line by line analysis for you
Ok, firstly, kudos to not so canon first line
Some alterations:
"Well, here we are," said John, the leader of the group.
I can see why mizz-iceberg suggested a script for this story. I'd seriously consider this because the lines are short and quick, the quotes and commas seem to be a hassle. A script will look a lot cleaner.
Some Changes you can consider:
"He's right , we need new clothes" said some other random people (I dont quite understand this, does this random person have a name?). In this group only four people matter : The professor, John, Jimmi, and Shirly . Shirley being the main character of the story
I think it's better to say: "So, how do you suppose we get some clothes?" asked John
Haha, I enjoyed the comedy in the end: Very original!
Just then the dragon swooped down and ate the other 6 six people in the group (yeah I killed them off that quick, they don't matter, and I’m better at writing with less characters). [b] Hilarious. Probably because I've never read something like this before.
Somehow, this didnt have the same effect on me as the last part did. Maybe you could explain Jimmi's frustration in detail...and remember to spell out your numbers.
Everything else looks good.
Since this is your first piece of writing I don't think telling you to write in detail and longer chapters is going to help. All I can say is, I'm glad you decided to write and I hope this peice serves its purpose to expose you to various forms of writing and techniques. And when you've matured as a writer, I hope you can look back on this and reflect on everything you've been through.
Wow, that was very philosophical if I do say so myself. Haha, have a good one and PM with any questions or comments about my editing.
Have a good one and remember, keep writing
starry-night89
Ok I altered quite a few things in your 'story'.
Chapter 1:
"Well here we are," said John, the leader of this group.
"Yeah, but we stick out like a sore thumb." said the comic relief character named Jimmi.
"He's right we need new clothes" said some other random people. In this group only 4 people matter, The professor, John, Jimmi, and Shirly, who is pretty much the main character in this story.
"So how do you suppose we get the clothes?" asked John.
"We could try that store that says cheap clothes" said Jimmi.
So they walked into the clothes store to see that no one around.
"Hello?" Asked Jimmi. "We'd kinda like some clothes, but apparently this clothes store has no such things."
"Please... g..Go away" said a frightened voice from behind the counter.
"Wow you’re really nice, how do you expect to get customers?" asked Jimmi.
"Shut up Jimmi! Listen sir, we are heroes and we are here to solve your problems, what can we do to help?" asked John.
"Who is he calling heroes?" Jimmi asked Shirly.
"We...well, if yo...you must know, we’ve been attacked by an evil dragon many times, he... he’s very scar... sca... scary."
"I'm not scared of any dragon." said John.
Just then the dragon swooped down and ate the other 6 people in the group (yeah I killed them off that quick, they don't matter, and I’m better at writing with less characters).
"Wow... okay maybe I am a little scared, but we'll help anyway."
"Speak for yourself, I'm not going up against some giant fire breathing behemoth." protested Jimmi. (about 5 hours of arguments later) "Well here we go guys, we'll go kill the dragon." "I must have mental problems." said Jimmi.
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Notice how I spaced out everything? It's easier to read.
I also rephrased some sentences and corrected some spelling mistakes.
I found your piece very creative and keeping in mind that this is your FIRST story I'm not ging to say anything that'll dicourage you.
however I do think this piece would do better if you write it as a script/play.
This was unique and I enjoyed the humor though at times it was a bit cliche.
happy writing.
-icy.
PM me if you have questions or comments concerning my critique or anything.