Young Writers Society

Hi there, yizhongt here to review.

Well for starters, you might want to tell the readers what sort of exam, not test, the protagonist is sitting for, as some people might not be familiar with ancient Chinese history. In this case the protagonist would be sitting for the civil service exam/ imperial exam. You should also go into depth on what sort of material(s) the protagonist has to study for the exam. He doesn't just need one book, but rather five different writings on Confucianism.

There are a number of grammar mistakes present and some of the dialogue got really confusing to read. Try your best to avoid using 'I said' too much, because ' I said' does not convey the emotion(s) the person is feeling at that time.

And the part where the father was late to return, draw it out longer. Create some suspense for the reader.

Now as for the exam, this exam is the hardest exam in the whole of ancient China, and only the upper classes had the time and money to actually study for the examination. Peasant families like the protagonist ones of course could sit for it, but rarely had enough time to study for it as they had to work most of the time, in this case, it was building the Great Wall. Unless the protagonist has been studying for years before this, I don't see how he could have passed the exam. Furthermore, you cannot go to a testing centre and just sit for one.

I felt the end to the story was rushed and just sloppy. In addition to that, add on to what drives the protagonist to take the exam. For example, he wants to pass the exam so not only could he stop working on the wall, but also so that he could save his father from working on the wall too. In essence, the protagonist should aim higher.

Hope you found this helpful, and all the best in editing. Cheerio

Hey, jwes! Welcome to YWS! I'm Wolfare and I'll be your first reviewer here~

So, your beginning can really use some work. In the start of a story, you don't want prompt our entrance into the story, but throw us into the action so that we can instantly get absorbed into the drama of the story.

A little farther in, it talks more about how this boy almost died, but then mentions rumors about some people getting killed by being stuck in the wall... and how they are overreacting. Right there, you very openly contradict yourself and that also means the voice of the narrator is very inconsistent. Look through your story and try to make sure everything stays on the same page.

When the little boy (I assume he's young) was pushed out of the way from the brick, which is strange because it never explains why there would be a falling brick there, and the man saves him, the dialogue feels so flat. The narration does as well. The kid was just saved and all they say is 'Thanks'. Perhaps add in something about how they were paralyzed with fear and how they were so shocked, that's all they could mutter. Make sure you add in those loaded words, with emotion, to make the prose much more enjoyable.

It seems really random why in the world the man would mention studying this one religion. The boy never asked about it and he just kind of throws that out there... So, why? Everything has to happen for a reason, and that reason has to be better than 'to move the plot forward.' Perhaps have the man hesitate and show some extra pity for a child to be stuck there. Add in that emotion. I will keep saying this until it sticks, so don't forget to add it.

Um... interesting way for the boy to react to Yoon dying... I would think there would be a little more horror instead of spite for being able to take the book. That's rather odd. Try to keep this realistic, because it may otherwise just look like a joke of a story.

The ending is really confusing and super rushed. There is not context and basically an entire twelve hours happens in one line. Go into depth. How did it feel taking the test? Was he at all nervous? Go into more narration, because the ending just seems like you got lazy and didn't finish :/

Overall, this is just is the bare-bones of a story. The actual plot was interesting, but it was so underdeveloped the read seemed boring in general. Good luck with editing. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~