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Mmcxxix

by jwes


It was Tuesday November 8th 2129, that's when it all started. It was a regular day when Rufus asked a question during class, we aren’t supposed to do that. The next day when we came to school he was gone, we have heard about things like this before, everyone says that when someone leaves it is because the government recruits them to join the army. But why would they want Rufus, he is only twelve doesn’t do well in school, isn’t athletic. Why would they want him.

The next day I wanted to test whether they just recruit the people willing to ask questions, maybe it is all a test and they recruit the ones daring enough to break the rules. So in math class I asked why we have to learn this anyway, I got no response and the teacher continued to lecture us. I think I would be perfect to work for them because I have straight A’s and I have plenty of experience leading because my dad is the mayor of our city.

The next day I woke up in a strange room made of all mirrors.

“Welcome” said a mysterious voice.

“Who are you” I said

“That is not relevant” they said.

“Where am I” I said

“That is not relevant” they said.

After what felt like forever in there they led me to a room where I saw them experimenting on all the people there, including Rufus. It looks like they were trying to fuse them or something. They led me to a room with a table in it. I wondered what they were going to do but I didn’t want to stay to find out. I ran out shoving the guards as I walked by. I got back home and it was still night, I guess I was only gone for a couple hours. I go back into bed not telling my dad anything about what happened, how could I, would I just go up to him and say I was kidnapped in the middle of the night and they tried to experiment on me I would sound crazy. So I went to school and continued to keep my secret, I couldn’t get the image of those people getting experimented on out of my head. Especially when they call Rufus in roll call I feel like I should tell them where he really is.

I was eating breakfast one morning when my dad asked what was bothering me.

“Nothing” I said

“Come one I can tell when you're lying I've lived with you all my life, just tell me what's on your mind” He said.

“Fine! You really want to know, I was kidnapped by the government to be experimented on and I barely escaped with my life.” I said

“What! That's not what I was expecting at all! Really! We have to tell someone about this!” He said.

“No, we can't tell anyone about this! ” I said

“We have to” He said

The next day everyone knew what happened to me. Kids from school came up to me and asked me if it really happened. I told my teacher why Rufus was gone and how the government took him. I really feel bad for him, I should have gone back and escaped with him. I looked around and realized there were cameras everywhere. They could be coming back for me in any second, especially now that we told people.

As soon as I got home I told my dad to start a protest against the government before its too late. Before he could ask why, I ran up stairs to my room but it was too late, someone put their hand over my mouth and the next thing I knew I was in that room with the table again. Rufus was in there too, there was also some scientist or something.

“This won’t hurt a bit” the scientist said.

When I woke up I wasn’t me anymore, I am now a combination of at least 20 other people. I got up and I couldn’t control myself I felt angry and like I should break out. I walked out of the building no one could stop me, you would have to stop all 22 hearts and brains to kill me. I got to the city and found the city rebelling. I tried to keep myself away from the people but I couldn’t. I asked Rufus for help and together we were barely able to pull away.

At the Government Base

“This city is getting out of hand” said a government agent

“Indeed, it's too risky to continue with them knowing what they do now” said another agent

“We have to end this, press the button” said the government agent

“Are you sure”

“Yes just press it”

“Do you really want me to nuke the whole city”

“There is no other way, just do it”

“Alright, fine”


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91 Reviews


Points: 6950
Reviews: 91

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Thu Jun 02, 2016 10:53 pm
burninhell wrote a review...



Hey!
So, I'm just going to stop by and give you a little review.
I'm going to get my nitpicks out of the way first and then we can get onto the good stuff :)

So here goes:

“Who are you” I said

Okay, so here there needs to be a question mark, because it's a question. It would probably also make it 'I asked' as well. Another thing that you need to remember is punctuation at the end of sentences. I've noticed it's missing in a couple of other places too.
Examples
“Are you sure”

Again, this is in need of a question mark
“This city is getting out of hand” said a government agent

“Indeed, it's too risky to continue with them knowing what they do now” said another agent

“We have to end this, press the button” said the government agent

“Are you sure”

“Yes just press it”

“Do you really want me to nuke the whole city”

“There is no other way, just do it”

“Alright, fine”

This whole section actually lacks punctuation at the ends of all the lines. An easy fix, but one probably worth noting. :)

I got back home and it was still night

My only question here is, how did they know how to get home? They have been taken to a random place, you say they simply woke up there. So how did they manage to break out of a government compound and find their way back home that easily? You see what I mean? Just a small hole in your plot.

“Fine! You really want to know, I was kidnapped by the government to be experimented on and I barely escaped with my life.” I said

“What! That's not what I was expecting at all! Really! We have to tell someone about this!” He said.

So my point here, she seems to tell her father very abruptly what happened, and he believes her almost instantly. This might be true, I can understand a father believing a child's word. But would they perhaps not ask for more details about what happened?

So, my final point here is that everything is kind of abrupt, you could perhaps go back and add more detail to certain areas, flesh them out a little. I feel like that could turn your good piece into a great piece!

Okay, so, as much as there were areas to be improved upon I love the premise for a piece that you have here. It's a great idea! And you have a really interesting plot line. I also like how you had an unexpected ending, I half expected the riots to be the end of it, I didn't expect the government to win, which was great!
So to sum up, you have a great story here, and with a little bit of editing it could become even better!
I hope this review didn't seem too harsh, if you have any questions or anything let me know :)
Burn




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10 Reviews


Points: 604
Reviews: 10

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Sat May 28, 2016 12:00 pm
theanderman wrote a review...



Hello there! I saw the word dystopia and had to check this out.

You know about the grammar issues, those have been all pointed out already. I won't go into them here. I'll try to focus on the story itself.

The concept is certainly a decent idea. I like having a story set in a dystopia being told from the perspective of a group of children under the control of a government. I also like how initially the main character is not actually involved in whatever the plot is - Rufus takes the place of the character, and this creates a bit of mystery. This is immediately removed, though, as the character is brought into the story fully. The suspense is gone, and the reader isn't allowed to ponder what could be happening for themselves, they're just told.

This direct telling happens again when the narrator is recaptured, however the effect of being recaptured is lessened when these children escape very easily twice. How are we really meant to take these captors seriously when they're so easily thwarted twice? Perhaps more focus could be given to that part of the story, as I doubt such a government could have control over so many people and yet be so easily beaten.

Also, the ending is clumsy. I understand what you're going for with it, yet it doesn't work. It feels rushed to me. Blowing up a city should be an event, and just throwing it in after two people escape cheapens it greatly. Also, it feels illogical; I doubt anybody would blow up a whole city before sending any sort of team to search for the escaped children. If they have such a tight control, wouldn't they have eyes on every street in all buildings? It doesn't seem right.

I wanted to like this, because I remember how my own attempt to write something like this turned out. It was ten times worse than this, and I'd say I still am terrible today, so don't be discouraged. You have good ideas, but the execution needs work. Your grammar needs work too, as has been said. Keep trying, you'll get better by writing more and more! I'll happily read anything you need looking at if it'll help.

Good luck!




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28 Reviews


Points: 2076
Reviews: 28

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Sat May 28, 2016 9:33 am
MrBrainwasher wrote a review...



You've got a serious grammar problem, since you're here, so that ain't a problem anymore.
For a writer, imagination is the tool.I like the efforts you put into the imagination for this story. Else is upto your dedication, if you really want to write beautiful, stay focused.
Rule.1 When you write, always keep in mind "Who is the narrator?" "Are you writing in present, past or future?" . Like here, you've done this mistake, sometimes you narrated in past, sometimes in present.

"It was a regular day when Rufus asked a question during class, we aren’t supposed to do that."

*during the class *we weren't suppose
The next day when we came to school he was gone, we have heard about things like this before, everyone says that when someone leaves it is because the government recruits them to join the army.

*The next day when we came to school, he was gone. We'd heard about things like this before. Everyone said, that, when someone leaves, it was because the government recruited them to join the army.
same here
But why would they want Rufus, he is only twelve doesn’t do well in school, isn’t athletic. Why would they want him.

*why did they want.... *he was only twelve, didn't do well in school,asn't athletic
Check for yourself, where you've mistaken
The next day I woke up in a strange room made of all mirrors.

“Welcome” said a mysterious voice.

“Who are you” I said

“That is not relevant” they said.

“Where am I” I said

“That is not relevant” they said.

*made of mirrors
*Who are you? (question mark)
*Where am I?
A lot of mistakes can be seen throughout. You really got to work hard. As I told you, you are here, so that's not a problem anymore. Write and post regularly, and correct your mistakes.
P.S:-Find out, where to use comma, where to use ';' and where to use period.
Happy writing!





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