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by justtheboy14

did the right thing... didn't I?

Tenma was distraught. He was no longer sure of it. No, he was
sure. He was really sure. 
was only finishing what he already started. There was nothing wrong
with that, was there?
there wasn't. 
was wrong was them pulling him out in the middle of a crucial medical
procedure, right when they were already starting. Actually,
they were well into the OP already- what, four or five minutes?
Ten... guh... 
mean, since when did any hospital operate like this really?
Preferential treatment for patients-they're practicing it now? What-
the ones who are wrong, not me. They shouldn't be doing this. Doctors
can't choose who they want to help- who they want to save. That's not
how this works. That's not how any of this works. No...
kept trying to tell himself this though he was scared, really scared.
He didn't want to know what was going to happen to him, he didn't
want to know what was going to happen- he kept repeating this in his
head over and over.

He didn't want to think.

just wanted to forget his problems for the time being. 
just wanted to sleep...
yes. I've barely had it. 
Tenma opened his eyes again, and looked up. The news channel was
still playing the same old same old, this time with a forecast on the
weather, a pretty short stint. He didn't want this. He needed someone
to talk to. 
could really use Eva right now, Kenzo thought, and he felt a
little sad.
soon as Kenzo thought of Eva, his thoughts went back to his worst
fears, predictably enough. 
would Director Heinemann do? 
he tell Eva about all this? Surely he wouldn't. Would he? 
does she think of all this? What is going to happen? 
is this happening to me... 

treatment... I mean I already had an idea that this was happening in
this hospital but-
was just that, this had never happened to me. I've never personally
experienced this before. Now it's happened, and now that it has...
ran his hands over his face, tired and exhausted. 
I wrong? Was it I who made the wrong decision? 
groggily rubbed his head, and his temples throbbed, yelling at him to
sleep- practically begging for it. 
doctor hit his face with a pillow hoping it could ease his worry and
bring comfort to the thoughts in his mind; right now all he needed
was some sleep. He'd been getting enough "wrong days" as a
neurosurgeon; it was something that comes along in his line of work,
but this was... 
after what happened last night, he was troubled to say the least . He
couldn't stop thinking about it. He didn't like thinking about it. 
barely gotten any sleep, if you could call it sleep at all. His mind
was too busy; a lot of thoughts were running through his head. He may
have shut his eyes once or twice, the hours passing then - he never
could tell anymore, sometimes it would seem like seconds only to him
- but it didn't feel like sleep at all. 
some parts of the night, he couldn't bring himself to sleep. He
wouldn't stop thinking; the voices in his head won't stop talking
about his audacity, and whether it was stupidity or a remarkable
times, he'd feel terrible and want to tune in to the news for any
updates on the mayor, and hoping of signs maybe, of reassurance from
the Director. He didn't think Dr. Heinemann would show up on the news
at first, but he thought twice about it and was right on the mark. 
for what Kenzo Tenma thought now- 
wasn't happy. He wasn't happy at all. 
thinking about too many things, he thought. Calm yourself.
Clear your thoughts. I shouldn't even be watching the news. 
clicked the remote to turn off the TV and lay down on the bed to
close his eyes. 
is this happening to me...
do I want, he thought as he slowly drifted away, forgetting all
his troubles for the time being. 

greeted him around the corner but he only wished, one last time
before completely going away: he hoped he didn't get what he thought
was going to happen, what he thought he was about to get. 

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User avatar
1080 Reviews

Points: 99780
Reviews: 1080

Thu Apr 09, 2015 9:12 pm
Mea wrote a review...

Hi there! Let's get right into it. I admit I have no familiarity with the original work, so bear with me on that.

1. Is your formatting intentional, or is it an error? I'm pretty sure it's an error, but if it isn't, I'd advise you to get rid of it anyway.

All right, so you've got an okay short here, but it needs a fair bit of work.

Frankly, not a lot happens. It's mostly just the main character worrying about something that we don't know about, and that's pretty boring. It could still work with nothing much happening, but all non-fans can glean from it is that he's in a hospital, is a neurosurgeon, did something bad, and something about preferential treatment. You don't have to get into backstory, but you might consider it.

There's still the problem that nothing happens. Ask yourself if you have really contributed to the story in any way by writing this fanfiction scene. Sure, we get to see some of the person's thoughts in this obviously crucial time, but since nothing is resolved - he just falls asleep - the whole thing falls rather flat. I'd recommend expanding this and making it have more of a plot. Then it will be a lot more interesting.

One last thing - I don't know the character, so I may be wrong, but neurosurgeons have to go through a ton of training, and so they're generally into their middle ages by the time they've been practicing for a while. So it seems implausible to me that Kenzo would be so fearful and a bit whiny. I honestly thought he was a teenager before it mentioned he was a doctor. Be careful that you're getting your characters right.

Anyway, good luck with editing this! Keep writing.

User avatar
19 Reviews

Points: 241
Reviews: 19

Wed Apr 01, 2015 5:06 pm
hmcg wrote a review...

Hey hey hey! Holly signing in for a review!

Let's get right to the point.

I didn't really understand the format of this short. It might have been artistic, but it just confused me.

I noticed a few spelling and grammatical mistakes so you might want to work on that.

Maybe use a different font, it made it hard to read.

I liked the idea of your story though.

A bit of background would have been nice.

Just keep working on it!

Can't wait for more of your stuff!

What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor