Masking Weaknesses

Don’t they realize that masks don’t just hide personalities and pain? Can’t they see that it may be hiding something so much more bitter? No, of course not. That’s why it’s called a mask. Years of being made fun of…yet no one realizes that they are doing it. For I have always worn a mask to hide an imperfection that air brushes cannot touch.  One that most would call a disability if they knew I had it.

Never being able to relax because I’m always afraid that someone will ask, “Why do you do that?” or “Quit it! That’s so weird!” Constantly covering up who I really am for fear that I will have to deal with the pain. Sure, I have always been ‘real’ about me. Who you see is the only me. That’s because no one sees the different me…the one that never comes out.

How many times have people pretended to have what I have, laughing and saying things that appear harmless, even to them? If only they knew; if only they were aware of the pain that they were causing. I’ll be honest; Tourettes is not a laughing matter. Sure, I don’t have it that bad. But that doesn’t change the frustration of never being able to completely relax…never feeling completely at ease. While I sleep, I feel no tension. The moment I wake up, it is back. The constant ticking drives me nearly insane!

Yes, I wear a mask. I wear a mask over my Tourettes. Everyone who has seen behind it still loves me, but there is always that sneaking little voice that tells me I’m not 100% accepted. So I hold back the tics and feel tense and nervous when they persist.

There are times when I ask, “WHY? Why me, of all people?” The one who has always struggled to fit in as it is! The one who has fought to keep friends due to issues in my life. Everyone who hears about my Tourettes says that they didn’t notice it. I wonder why?? Maybe because I have made sure that they had no chance to notice it. How many times in my life have I wanted to throw down the mask and scream, “Don’t you people even care what you say? Can’t you think of the people who really have disabilities? Do you have any heart in you to simply leave off with the pretend tics and jokes about being mentally retarded?”

True, I have accepted my disability. In fact, I normally don’t even call it that. God has called me to do His work not in spite of my weaknesses, but because of them. That doesn’t numb the pain I feel every day, however. That is why I continue to hide behind this mask. I’m always afraid to show the hidden secret inside of me.