Published May 6, 2009
I stare at the sun, but have yet to see the light.
This darkness overwhelms the little hope left inside.
My sad excuse for a life spirals downwards..
Not good enough, not good at all,
Take what is left and rip it into pieces.
Make a spark,
Start a fire.
"CLICHE CLICHE!" She screams.
So I ravaged her throat.
I did eat the remains... What? My mother always scolded me for wasting food.
They watch me.
Who are they? Why are they here?
These unanswered questions bring the gun even closer.
Cold metal on my chest.
Stop. Rewind. Regret. Remorse. Reevaluate. Rebirth. Renew.
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Canary word: Present
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Yes, that does help. Thank you.
The only reason why it's so random and confusing is because it's supposed to be.
But thanks, that was some actually helpful criticism.
Hi Justin,
I am sorry that you have received no helpful criticism so far, but site policy forbids bumping threads for the sake of reviews. If you want an old thread to be brought up, ask for a review on someone's "Will Review for Food" thread. Anyway -
This beginning makes the reader seasick. The simple paradox of staring at a sun but not seeing light is so...simple and stripped that it seems a ploy, a cheap crutch used to further a meaning that barely exist. It screams beginner. In the meantime, the second line is the opposite; it is a vague assembly of "darkness" and "hope" that counters - albeit in such an ugly fashion - the bare and dry imagery above. I suggest not using such cliches, especially in the beginning of such a work. In the opening stanza of this piece, stick to one image and explain it. Don't jump around between concreate visuals and abstract fog, as you've done.
The next stanza needs to be cut out. It's a blatant "telling" that follows the bland pattern emerging from the first.
"Cliche" does not need to be capitalized, as it looks amateurish.
This is...stream of consciousness writing? I suppose it can be molded in surreal verse, save for the immature "What" near the end. Take that out and make the succeeding sentence its own line. I do see symbolism within these works but there can really be no way to ensure that you meant it. Either way, it works, somewhat.
This poses vague questions but arrives at no semblance of answering them. What do those even mean? Identities, purpose. These are cloudy at best and the only thing the reader knows is that they are related to the narrator's mortal danger. This leaves the poem on something of a cliffhanger that nobody expects nor likes. Remove the pretentious questioning of the self or explain it further.
In general, not a good poem mainly because it builds upon itself although it has a weak base. Keep working on it.
Hope that helped.
Can I please have some constructive criticism/critique?
Thanks =]
Thank you for the reviews. And, as mentioned, it isn't exactly the standard poem, but it's the only section of the forum that it actually fit under.
I would like some critique if that's possible.
Thanks =]
Epic. I loved it. It really captures alot of deep emotion for me. Its depressing I'll tell you (which of course ins't bad), and I think its a hardcore version of the average painful situations in life.
I'm not sure if I'm helpful. Probably not. But its great man!
First, BlackWind, poetry doesn't always have to rhyme. It can be free verse, and I'll touch on that in this poem later.
I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. On one hand, this is a great poem, but on the other, it feels too short, and more like it should be a flash fiction over a poem.
I understand that you were going for a free verse, organic type style, and I think you're almost there. But just because it's free verse doesn't mean it doesn't have to have anything poetic in it. Usually, the poetic part would be a
Hey Justin. This just popped up in my newsfeed, so I figured I might as well check it out. This was very interesting, as always. It feels like a grouping of seperate thoughts at first, but somehow it all comes together and makes sense in that respect. I can't make heads or tails of the meaning, but I like that. Mystery is always good. I'm not sure why, but I particularly like the stanza with three lines. I like how the ending talks about realizing what you are responsible for, thinking about whether that works, and then starting over. You have a very unique writing style that always comes across in your poems. Nice job.
I really liked this this!
It was really depressing but I still loved it. It was so dramatic and it really made me think about what you were saying.
I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!
This poem was really good in my opinion. It's full of mixed and interesting emotions. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.
The first two lines of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!
I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!
A poem doesn't have to rhyme for it to be good by the way!
Overall, I really did like your poem!
I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing
Meg x-x
Hello!
Is it poem in prose? I like idea of your poem. Of course if you wanted to write the poem, it is not poem at all, because there is no rhyme. I like also images, which you used for expressing your idea in first part. I see something wrong in the second part. I see unconnected things.
But it will be good poem, if you add there rhyme, but poem in prose doesn't need rhyme.
I wish you success