Hey guys, just joined this site =]. Anyways, I'm 15, and I just started to write. Here is something that I put together in about 2-3 hours. I let the story write itself. NOTE: I NEED HELP SPACING! I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPACE OUT MY WORK ON THESE FORUMS.
The assassin was silently perched like an eagle atop the cross of the
church. The afternoon sun beated directly down on him, but he was stealthy
enough to remain unseen for the few minutes that he was balancing on the
cross. After all, his white robes did blend in with the church.
As he was scanning the people hundreds of feet below, he recognized his
targets. He counted the warriors that were in formation around their
leader. There is five, Simple task. Robes waving in the wind, he jumped
off of the cross.
He withdrew an arrow from the rough leather
quiver that rested on his back. The feather softly rested
in between his fingers. The assassin knocked the arrow
and drew back his bow. The man below had no clue of the fatal shot
about to pierce his head. The arrow was released effortlessly, and soared
through the air that was soon be filled with horrifying screams of terror. The
arrowhead protruded the back of the leader's skull while his warriors were
covered with the blood that had splattered from the penetration. As he fell
backwards, the man's eyes rolled back in their sockets. Perfect.
The small town was in pandemonium after seeing this bloodshed.
Some attempted evasion while others hid behind the various
shops and stalls. The warriors carefully wandered
the village with shield and sword drawn closely in search of the killer.
The assassin threw his bow and quiver from atop of the
church to confuse the people below. The five warriors looked up in utter
astonishment, and at that moment the assassin made his
plunge. While he was falling, a throwing knife was withdrawn and thrown from
each sleeve of his robe at two of the five bewildered warriors below. The
assassin safely landed in a pile of hay beside the church
while the knives were still in flight. The two knives were quickly
approaching the warriors. The first knife impaled one of the warriors through
his right eyebrow and into his brain, killing him instantly. Meanwhile, another
warrior let out a battle cry. The projectile whistled right into his mouth and
stabbed through the back of his throat. Blood poored down the back of
his neck while he was stumbling about, gasping for air. Three surviving
warriors were now covered in blood.
They were terrified of their possible fate. They slowly circled the vast pile
of hay where the assassin had landed, hiding themselves behind
their trusty iron shields. The assassin sat quietly inside the
hay, waiting to strike. He took his long, slender blade
out of his sheath and jumped out of the hay. His silver sword reflected the
sun and blinded his first victim. With a simple swipe he beheaded one of
the warriors. The warrior's head slued and fell to the cold hard ground. The
bodiless head rolled to the other petrified warriors feet. The two remaining
soldiers were shocked, unsure of what to do. Their knees trembled as they
looked death itself straight in the eyes. The assassin chuckled and patiently
waited for them to strike. The warriors thought fast and went on opposite
sides of the assassin. While both of the warriors swung their swords in
unison, the assassin dropped to his knees and dodged the two blades that
traveled inches away from his head. With a quick motion of his blade,
the assassin chopped off one of the warriors legs.
The other warrior attempted to kill the assassin that knelt
on the ground, but the assassin was too agile. Blocking
the crushing blow of the sword, the assassin counter attacked him with a rib
shattering kick to the chest, sending him flying backwards and landing on his
back. Both of the warriors layed on the ground in excruciating pain. The
assassin decided to kill the warrior with the broken ribs first. He took out a
dagger from his belt and deposited it into the warrior's heart. The warrior let
out an ear numbing scream. Blood squirted out from the warrior's sunken
chest and onto the assassin's white robes. The one remaining crippled
warrior tried to crawl away using only his arms. The assassin walked slowly up
to him, pondering the possible executions. He pinned his sword through the
man's only remaining leg to hold him in place.
The assassin ventured over to the middle of the village that now seemed
abandoned. He picked up his bow and arrows where he had dropped
them, and set forth to the only remaining warrior.
As he approached him, the warrior remorsefully plead for his life.
This didn't phase him at all. The assassin once more readied
his bow. He stood next to the warrior with one foot on his back.
As the bow was aimed at the warrior's head, he heard
the lasts words that he ever will. "Sleep tight." The assassin separated
his middle and index finger, and within a second the arrow was lodged
into the back of the warriors head. An awestruck expression was eternally
on his face. The blood soaked arrow emerged from the warrior's
nose. A slimy mixture of mucus and blood drained from his nose.
Dropping all of his arms in respect, the Assassin stood tall and proud in
a puddle of crimson victory. Success it was, and success it will be.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked the story, though for some weird I tried reading it like it was a poem. ;>> I'd critique but most of what I would have said is already post. Nice story.
-Poppy
That was totally awesome! Hi by the way. Your writing technique is soooo good. There is so much detail and I could actually see it happening. This could be turned into a movie if you put more of a background to it. Maybe you should continue this and write more of his adventures and assignments. It really doesn't need any work or anything but I would recommend adding more to it. But that's only my opinion, so you don't have to listen to me. Anyway, hopefully I'll see you around YWS. Keep writing!
Thanks for the input. No, he was using a sword when he chopped off his leg. If you read correctly, you would have known that he had taken it out of his sheath and it never left his hands until near the end.
Alright, so if you're walking around town and you see an arrow go through someone's head, wouldn't you run? Who would stay there?
If the assassin had struck in this village before, I would have said so.
He isn't paying attention to the village, he is paying attention to his targets, therefor I wouldn't describe the village as he sees it.
It's quite obvious that the assassin would know that they are in that village, why would he be looking for them there if they weren't?
To be completely honest with you, I don't think you paid much attention to the story. But thanks anyways, I appreciate the fact that you posted and attempted to help.
Aloha, and welcome to YWS!
I like this story. I like all stories with some kind of action in it and this one had plenty! The blood and gore...well, not on my palette and yet still pretty good. I have some small questions, though.
I read the part when the assassin chops a warrior's leg off. I'm not sure if I forgot or if it wasn't mentioned, but if the assasin was using a dagger, a dagger would not chop a man's leg off. A sword would, or some other long blade. I can't be sure.
Would all the people in the village really just run away? Wouldn't there be some brave men who would fend off the assasin with the warriors? Did this assasin strike this village once before, so the villagers have an idea of how and when he would strike? Please, describe the village as the assasin is above the village. Is it extremely crowded? Did the assasin know that it would be a busy day, and that the warriors and their leader would be in that particular village? I guess that's all background info, as well.
See if that helps.
Anyone else?:shock:
Thanks for the input guys. Gryphon, it says where it is taking place. It takes place in a small village. There are warriors with shield and sword, and assassins with white robes, so it takes place way back in the day.
I did clear up the time of day and lighting issue. I also cleared up how no one saw him up there.
I HAVE TROUBLE VARYING SENTENCE STRUCTURE!!! HELLLLP ME PLEASE!
Think about the reason why I wouldn't say who the assassin is. I didn't include information about the assassin, and most importantly I didn't include dialog besides the thoughts of the assassin. This symbolizes something, figure it out =]
Nice story. It's a little confusing and there are some typos, but all that's fixable. Towards the top, you say "The assassin docked the arrow...", and the proper word is 'knocked'. That's mainly the only problem. Good story!
-Lexi
Hey and welcome to YWS!
XxxDo did a pretty good job of editing, so I won't repeat what was so masterfully covered.
My big thing is about your description: where is this taking place? What time is it? Sunshine or moonlight? How did no one see the assassin (I mean, he's dressed in white and is sitting on top of a church)? Who is the assassin?
Yeah, just a whole heap load of questions. I agree that the sentence structure should be varied a bit to make it more interesting to read, but you wrote the action pretty well. Very nice. I liked the assassin's inner dialogue.
Welcome once more!
~GryphonFledgling
Thanks Juncboks =] I fixed all of the repetition problems and any other that I could find or others have pointed out. Any more specific critique would be great. I wouldn't mind another full review of the work, too =]
I really liked it. The concept was enjoyable and I liked your word choice and descriptions.
Though I think you got confusing in places and some sentence fluency was bumpy. One reason for that is that you repeated the same word (i.e. heart or arrow) too continuously and too close together. I'd write more but I don't like saying something that someone has already stated and I think XxxDo said it.
Over all, With expansion and background this could become a pretty good action/adventure that I would read over and over again.
Good Job!
Hey, thanks A LOT for reviewing my story. You are the only one (so far) to do so, and I appreciate it. One problem, though. I don't have MS word, so I can't really look at your critique.
EDIT: Whoops! Just realized I could download ms word viewer =] Reading your review now, but I have to leave for school shortly.
Hey. Welcome again
It is a good story, interesting concept, some parts are slightly confusing though. Why does he kill them, why take out the warriors and not just his main target, who does he work for, and much more.
Add some details, and some more dialogue, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SPACING !!
Good luck with your writing in the future and let me know if there is anything else you want critiqued.
EDIT: I like the title by the way!
XxxDo
Hey
WELCOME TO YWS!! Also, welcome to the wonderful world of writing in general!
If you need any help, PM me!
Just wanted to let you know that I've read it and overall like it!!
I'm going to critique it in more detail now, so stay tuned for another comment !
XxxDo
Just fixed the spacing and got the number of reviews I should have. Tell me what you think, first finished piece of writing.