Tell me
What the right questions are
'Cause I'm done with this masquerade
Everyday I go through euphoria
Then fall to a deeper shade
With every glance you give her
I fall faster than the setting sun
The truth's gaining faster
But I'm still on the run
Am I just another stranger in the dark?
I try so hard to make these shadows part
Every truth from you is light that sears this skin
My heart's getting too burnt out to begin
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I don't like the rhythm you used in this. I think you should fix up the rhythm. Also, try to add more detail into this to show the reader the meaning behind this. I hope this helps!
-Rick.
Niteowl's suggestion of more imagery is a good one. Try to engage at least some of the senses in your piece, I think it will help. I'd add punctuation as follows;
"Tell me
What the right questions are
'Cause I'm done with this masquerade.
Everyday I go through euphoria
Then fall to a deeper shade .
With every glance you give her
I fall faster than the setting sun,
The truth's gaining faster
But I'm still on the run.
Am I just another stranger in the dark?
I try so hard to make these shadows part .
Every truth from you is light that sears this skin.
My heart's getting too burnt out to begin."
Maybe try reading it aloud so that you can get a better sense of how it should flow. I think that the rhythm in the last stanza is a bit off. Maybe try;
"Am I another stranger in the dark?
I try so hard to make these shadows part.
Each truth from you's a light that sears this skin.
My heart's too burnt out to begin."
I really like the second last line. I think the last line is a little forced because of the rhyme. Maybe try changing this line.
I like the rhyming couplet at the end as it concludes the piece nicely.
Hope this helps.
Jas
I think I may understanding what you are trying to get across here. It is about a girl who wants this boy to notice her but all he sees is someone else. She tries to push through the shadows to make herself clear to him but she can't. That's my guess. And if I'm right, I must say that I like this poem. And even if I'm not right, I still enjoyed reading it.
First off, I think "Tell me" should be moved down to the second line, just to keep everything consistent.
Second off, the rhyme scheme's okay, and the poem flows well, but it's not making a huge impression on me. I don't know what's going on, and the words are just going in one eye and out the other (to mess with an old cliche).
Is this about a boyfriend cheating on you? Or a guy you like checking out another girl? Or about something else entirely that I'm missing?
Try using imagery and description to paint a clearer picture.
Keep writing!