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Liv Elyse ~ Want to get feedback on the opening/prologue.

by juno16

* I'm terrible at writing the beginnings of stories and I honestly just wanted feedback cause I over think everything. This is my first post too. I'm not much of a writer but I enjoy it so yeah theres that. I'll be working on more and this is meant to be a short story or novella. Not quite sure. Anyways I hope you enjoy. :)

My name is Kadence Rae Westfeld. I am seventeen years old. I live a nice life, seemingly. I have all I need in the eyes of most. I shouldn't complain. 

My mother is rich, my father is not.

They used to be in love but now they are not.

I thought he loved me too. He left over a year ago. I haven't seen him since. He broke my heart when I thought he was all I had left. It didn't hurt as bad as I expected but it hurt nonetheless.

I use to stand tall and now I do not.

That's where it all went wrong according to my mother: the slouching.

It hurts to witness oblivion.Though I don't feel like confrontation; and my frustration is like a bomb.

I think I'm broken.

I used to be decently popular till I realized I was a fool.

I used to be a fool but now, as I said, I think I'm just broken.

My sister died and I fell apart. Piece by piece, till I was left with nothing. It's sad but its true.

And that's where my story begins and quite possibly ends: with her.

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6 Reviews

Points: 374
Reviews: 6

Tue Nov 12, 2019 7:30 am
TheRedPencil wrote a review...

This is a great start! You have really sturdy bones here and with a little more meat added you'd have a very compelling beginning to a story. The only thing that I could see making this section more compelling is if you flipped around the order of the sentences a little. I.E: instead of introducing herself at the very beginning Kadence can explain how she went from standing tall with a loving mother, father and sister to broken into pieces with a dead sister and an absent father. This would add a little more intrigue and allow the reader to become invested in Kadence's story before even getting introduced to her.
Another technique that you can use is to not outright introduce Kadence's story to the reader via her voice, but introduce her story via other characters' voices. Instead of Kadence speaking on her supposed 'nice' life her mother can express disgust with a maid or a butler or something else that shows how rich she grew up rather than just telling the reader. Learning to show readers instead of telling them is something that's been super helpful in making my own writing better.
Hope this helps!

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Points: 256
Reviews: 1

Tue Nov 05, 2019 1:36 am
ivythe1st wrote a review...

Hi there! I'm new too, so you aren't alone =D
I like this piece a lot, and I definitely want to see where the story goes. The hook is intriguing, and that's the most important part.
What I do want to point out is that you seem to cover a lot of different topics in a short span of words. This kinda threw the rhythm off, but it can be easily by either expanding more on the problems Kadence is facing, like her father's departure and her sister's death, or by focusing on one thing specifically in the intro. If you did this, I think you should focus on how Kadence fell apart after her sister's death, then later expand on her parents' separation in an early chapter.
Amazing work though, keep it up!

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99 Reviews

Points: 48
Reviews: 99

Mon Oct 28, 2019 5:44 am
Tawsif wrote a review...

I think I agree with Rana. How can you say you're bad at beginnings? Huh? 'My name is Kadence Rae Westfeld. I am seventeen years old. I live a nice life, seemingly. I have all I need in the eyes of most. I shouldn't complain.' That's like the beginning of the next greatest navel. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

However, I did feel a little confused at times. What did you mean by oblivion, or by writing 'I don't feel like confrontation; and my frustration is like a bomb'?

I'd like to suggest one thing: keep it simple. We writers many often want to be too dramatic. It happens with me too, believe me. But when it's simple, the impact is stronger. Because simple description of a dramatic incident startles a reader.

But I like the opening anyway. And don't be so harsh on yourself.

Keep writing.

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25 Reviews

Points: 2050
Reviews: 25

Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:28 pm
RanaNoodles wrote a review...

I'm not exactly sure how you can say you're terrible at writing beginnings. I've only read this once and I already want to see what's going to happen!
The beginning is so relatable; Kadence has a nice life, and she's well off financially. And then you mention that her parents used to be in love and my heart goes out to her.
When you bring in the person who broke Kadence's heart, I got a little confused and had to read it over, just because he seems a little random when you're talking about your parents. On the other hand, you're talking about the people who you thought loved each other, so it would fit perfectly. I'm not sure. I guess it's up to you.
"I used to stand tall and now I do not."
I love this line so much. It's signals that she's sad in a way that's not just 'I was so sad.'
Anyway, I really loved this beginning!
-Rana Noodles

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20 Reviews

Points: 459
Reviews: 20

Wed Oct 23, 2019 11:57 am
EmileeBrightman wrote a review...

Hello! I'm here to write a review for you, since it was sitting in the Green Room with only one review. :)

So, I'd like to start out by saying I really enjoyed reading this! It was short and sweet, but also had that raw emotion that I love to read. I could feel some emotion in it, but I suggest that you put some more detail into it so other readers can get even a better feeling at what your character is feeling. This is a great start to a really good story! Maybe you could add how she interacts to her family versus how she really feels about them? Just a suggestion.

I'm not really one for really giving out a lot of criticism, so sorry if you were looking for that! I'd just like to say once again that this was good, and I hope to read more of your works!! I know that they'll be just as good as this one was. When I read this, I could tell that you can go far, just don't give up on your dreams! Honestly, I don't really have anything other negative things to write, because this piece is done well. Keep up the great work, and don't ever stop believing in yourself!! :)

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8 Reviews

Points: 97
Reviews: 8

Tue Oct 22, 2019 4:27 pm
LilyPhelen wrote a review...

I really like the set up that you have here. this is a great start to what could be an amazing narrative, but if your looking for more of a poem I would use more poetic diction. Also I feel like there is a lot of dramatic affect that you have, which some writers relish. I think this is perfect example of this and with work you could be a great somber writer. if your looking for more short story type I think you could keep explaining the sadness that your feeling, and the twist at the end is a good thing to catch your reader attention so they remember your writing.
Good luck and keep up the great work!

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