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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chapter 1-- The Rest Stop From Another Dimension (Stories from Wayward Suburbia)

by jumpingsheep


Hello!

My name is Katrina, and I moved to Barkston Creek when I was in first grade. For a long time, I assumed that the stuff that went on in my town was normal, typical Midwestern suburban things. And then, this winter, the winter of my senior year, I began to notice that things were… off… in Barkston Creek.

I noticed that things had always been off.

I’ve seen all sorts of television shows and heard tons of podcasts about supernatural towns, places that linger in between worlds, and about the people determined to get to the bottom of the mysteries being held back.

But let me tell you, the stuff I’ve seen is nothing like on the television. Creepier than the Twilight Zone, more bizarre than the X-files, more mysterious than Gravity Falls or Night Vale, these are the stories from my town.

I’m determined to document everything I’ve ever witnessed because this stuff is real.

And if you don’t believe me, dig into some of the urban legends from your town.

You may be surprised.

The Rest Stop From Another Dimension

August 17th, 2005

My family moved to Barkston Creek the summer I turned six. We packed up and left Boston to “get some space” as my dad liked to put it.

“Out here, we’ll have all the land we want! Katrina, I promise, you’ll have your own bedroom!”

It reminded me of the pioneers that I had studied in Ms. Kerran’s kindergarten class, who went out west for the land and for the riches the west promised them. And for me, riches meant getting my own bedroom, apart from my younger siblings. The twins were less than a year old, and they woke almost every night, wailing so loud that I thought their lungs would burst.

The apartment didn’t take much time to pack up, and we were able to leave with just a station wagon towing a trailer of furniture and knickknacks. My dad drove, my mom shotgun, and I sat on the hump, in between the babies, Micky and June. The air conditioner was broken and we were sweating up a storm, even with the windows down. Micky was crying and June was stinking up the entire backseat.

I groaned loudly and flipped open my GameBoy. Our car flew down the nearly empty highway as I drowned my sorrows in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3.

We were supposed to get to Barkston Creek by nine-o’-clock that night, maybe grab a motel room before we moved in the next day.

And then, right around seven-thirty, our right-front tire blew out on the interstate.

I looked up from my game, my eyes blurry from staring at the screen for hours upon hours. “Are we there?

“Uh, no.” said my dad. “I think we—”

I felt the badum, badum, of the flat tire, and my dad stopped talking as he pulled into the breakdown lane. “Julie,” my dad said, “are we around anything?”

My mom craned her neck out of the window. “Rest stop, about half a mile up from here.”

My dad eked the car through the home stretch into the rest stop. It was empty, save for a coach bus and a set of restrooms. My dad stepped out and called AAA while my mom tended to June and Micky.

I slid out of the car and meandered around the parking lot, taking the scene in.

It was a sticky summer night, the kind where the air hangs heavily and is thick with mosquitos. I slapped a few away before stopping to observe the people at the coach bus.

It was a large, purple bus, with the words “Danman’s Tour Buses. Air-conditioned.”

A group of about thirty people milled around, most of them dressed in tourist attire; a few even had large cameras around their necks. A woman noticed me watching them.

“Hey hon’, you lost?”

I took a step back, the “stranger danger” mantra ringing through my head.

My parents were still back at the car, and neither of them seemed to notice that I had wandered off.

Two kids approached me, maybe a few years older than I was. “I’m Vera,” said the girl, shaking my hand. “Peter,” said the boy.

They were both dressed nicer than I was. I had on faded jean shorts and a kitten-tea shirt, stained with the chocolate ice cream I ate hours ago. My sandals were tattered and dusty.

They, on the other hand, were in crisp khakis, and green polo shirts. The girl saw me staring and laughed. “My mom thinks that if the entire family dresses the same, no one will get lost. C’mon, I’ll show you the bus.”

I followed a few feet behind her and Peter, and we climbed up the steep stairs into the bus. I was hit with an icy blast of air conditioning, and I shivered in the cool, fresh air.

I kept a close eye on my parents as I took a seat between Vera and Peter, savoring the air condition. “We’re heading out to San Francisco,” explained Vera. “What about you?”

“West,” I said, not exactly sure where.

Vera and Peter showed me some of the games and books they brought for the ride. I smiled half-heartedly before taking another look out the window.

Our car was gone.

“No.”

My parents forgot about me! They left!

I climbed over Peter and raced down the aisle before jumping down the stairs of the bus.

And outside the bus, every single tourist was dead, lying in pools of glistening, red blood.

I froze with shock and I felt myself gagging at the sight. This wasn’t real, it couldn’t be real. I got back onto the bus, when I stepped back on; the entire bus was significantly warmer. Vera and Peter were still sitting in their seats, also dead. I screamed now, and took a step back, only to tumble back down the stairs, landing in the rough gravel of the rest stop.

I leapt up and ran from the bus. My clothes felt weird, and my black toes poked through the sandals. Everything felt a few sizes too small. I couldn’t breathe and I collapsed onto the gravel again, in front of a… tire?

“Katrina? What’s wrong?”

I looked up and saw the station wagon, my mom, and a tow truck driver talking with my dad. Both my knees were bloody, and my clothes still felt pinched and constrained.

“There’s a bus, over there, with—!”

I swiveled around, and was met with an empty rest stop. No bus. No dead passengers.

“Wha…?” I said with disbelief. I had seen it! I was just there!

“Katrina, I think you may be overtired, why don’t you take a nap while daddy sorts out the rest of this mess?”

I didn’t move. I just stared at the place where I had witnessed a massacre and then seen it all disappear.

This was more than ten years ago now, and when I grew older, I assumed this was a dream I had while we waited at the rest stop.

I started thinking about this again, though, and I looked up the rest stop. Turns out, there was a doomed tour bus there, about five years before that.

And another weird thing? In a picture my mom took earlier that day, my hair is just past my ears.

The next day, we took a photo at the new house. My hair in that photo is gracing my neck.

I pointed this out to my mom, but she said it must be the angle.

What a load of bull. I know what I saw.

Anyways, technically speaking, that evening in 2005 was my first night in Barkston Creek. Make your own deductions. 


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1087 Reviews


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Wed Feb 17, 2016 7:25 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm in the process of procrastinating like crazy, so here I am! :P

Oooooo so I liked this. I'm not usually that into this kind of genre and story, but you've certainly grabbed my attention. Your writing flows very smoothly and it has the ability to keep your readers engaged (well, keep me engaged anyway). I'm super excited to see what this is leading to, and what other experiences Katrina has had with the paranormal. I really do hope you post more because I'd certainly be interested in reading it, that's for sure. I like Katrina's voice too. She's quite blunt, which is refreshing for a female lead, and from what I can tell she seems to be quite wise too. I definitely like her, anyway. So yes, a really good job overall.

This is a big pet peeve of mine, so I may be biased, but I'm not a fan of your introductory opening. I have a thing for stories that begin with the 'hey, my name is blah blah blah' format. It's not particularly engaging, and has a massive telling (as opposed to showing) kind of feel to it. Especially with a story as unique as this one, your opening could really leave more of an impact. I'm a bit of a first line/paragraph nazi, and am obsessed with mysterious, questioning, emotional, descriptive e.t.c. openings. I just love stories that make me go wow in the first sentence. As a whole, I do like your opening. I like how you address the reader, and I absolutely adore the last line of it where you suggest your readers go and investigate the strange happenings of their own towns. It's just the first few lines I'm not keen on because I can tell from the rest of your writing that you're far more capable than that!

In regards to plot and character critiques, my first one is the way in which Katrina freely stepped onto the tour bus with a pair of complete strangers. You gave her the stranger danger thought process, which was good, but it just seems odd to me that her parents wouldn't have noticed. With her being the age she is I can accept that she would go ahead and do it, though perhaps with at least a bit more hesitance, but I guess I need an excuse for her parents not to notice (I realise she didn't actually do it and was having some vision thing). Maybe just make note of how she sees her folks head into the building or something, or her mum goes in while her dad is distracted with the twins. Something like that, y'know? It's just that as of right now, it does seem a little odd to me that she stepped onto that tour bus so freely, and without being seen at all.

Now I loved the twist of the bloody massacre; it was completely unexpected, and made everything turn very exciting. Nonetheless, I do think you can write it a bit better. At the moment, Katrina just seems so emotionless at it all... At her realisation of what she's seeing, her narration doesn't change in pace or anything, which it would in reality. It just all needs to be a bit more dramatic, I think. It's currently very monotonous and narrated in a somewhat 'matter-of-factly' way. Throw in some short sentences, describe some physical reactions (i.e. her stuttering, breath running short, heart beating, that kind of stuff) to portray the shock and fear Katrina is feeling, particularly considering she's only six-years-old. If I saw that now it would be bloody terrifying, let alone if I was a six-year-old girl! What I'm basically saying is that that scene could do with some more oomph.

That's about it, methinks. Critiques aside, you really are onto something fascinating here. You've got a great balance of mystery and action in this here chapter, so that's awesome. I'm also not too sure of the connection between Katrina's hair and these paranormal events at the moment, so I'm curious to find out what that's all about. Anywho, as I noted earlier, I dearly hope you decide to post more of this! Please let me know if you have any questions or comments regarding this review because I love discussing stuff.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:34 pm
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi jumpingsheep! Happy Valentine's Day! <3

This chapter kind of took me by surprise. I definitely was not expecting the massacre, so good job, because isn't that what suspense is all about? :P The way you write makes this easy to read and I enjoyed how average and girl-next-door Katrina feels. By making everything so normal, you accentuate the extreme oddities that plague (and will plague) the town of Barkston Creek. Kudos to you!

One major thing I'm having difficulty wrapping my head around is the fact that Katrina is supposed to be six in this first encounter with the supernatural of Barkston Creek. Six is a very young age and I think her reaction to the massacre was too underwhelming. I think a six year old would normally be much more afraid that you showed Katrina to be. I'm also surprised that her parents would allow their six year old daughter to be wander around and get on a tour bus with some strange kids. Kids as they might be, when I was six my mother never let me out of her sight unless she knew the people I was spending time with. I strongly suggest that you either alter parts of this first chapter so that they make sense and fit for a six year old's reality or change the age Katrina is when she first encounters the supernatural. The latter option might be the easiest and the most sensible, but it is really up to you. Nevertheless, you need to make some sort of change so that things make more sense.

There are a few other minor things that you should be mindful of, like grammar. Sometimes there are commas that are misplaced or not placed at all. It doesn't stop the meaning of the sentence from being conveyed, but these little things do make a difference to the story. You might want to consider proofreading or reading parts out loud to find these small errors.

Some nitpicks:

about the people determined to get to the bottom of the mysteries being held back.


The word order here is a little bit awkward. I know you're trying to say that the people who are determined to get to the bottom of the mysteries are being held back, but the way that you have worded this phrase makes the "being held back" part feel a little odd at the end of the sentence. A quick revision of words is all that is needed to make this clearer :)

It reminded me of the pioneers that I had studied in Ms. Kerran’s kindergarten class


Perhaps "learned" instead of "studied". I feel like "studied" is a bit strong for a kid in kindergarten.

who went out west for the land and for the riches the west promised them.


Take out the last part ("the west promised them") because it is redundant. You mention that they go out west only a few words before.

savoring the air condition.


air conditioning

My hair in that photo is gracing my neck.


grazing, not gracing. Also, I didn't really pick up on the meaning of Katrina's hair being longer a few days later. Perhaps I'm just a bit tired, but I don't think you hinted strongly enough at what this potentially meant. Is it just because it is strange and supernatural? Is that what you're trying to convey? Or does it have something to do with the bus massacre? You might want to clarify so there isn't more confusion.

Overall, I did like this, surprisingly enough because usually I'm not into light horror or thriller chapters. A really easy read and Katrina seems like a really interesting and wise character. I'd be interested in reading later instalments, so let me know!

Best,
Lav





Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl