Published May 13, 2009
So to sit here and wonder what I did wrong
What happened to make you so sour
Its my goddamned birthday
And you don't even wanna see me for an hour
As you tell me you love me,
What to you really think,
Is it true or just something to say...
Something to make me not speak.
When I tell you I love you
I mean it.
I dont just say it to you,
To you its not just out of habbit.
And Look at this,
A poem for you?
Who could have thought....
That you could make me so blue.
As I'm writing this,
Its been about 3 hours since we talked
Since I stood in Walmart,
Just stood there, wanting to cry.. cry and never stop.
You may not understand this
But I sure as hell do..
So do you still think I'm lying,
When I tell you I love you...
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,385 Reviews
Hey.
WOW! You have captured what I could only wish to capture in a poem. My favourite bit was how you mentioned you say you love someone out of habit and that just made me think how true that is! Very well done. strong ending and very consisant and I felt like you really looked inside youself to write this poem.
very well done, ever wanna bounce around some ideas, i would be happy to help
Brown Eyed Girl xx
wow that was amazing and i have to agree with AlyssaKyle about the spelling errors...
You use great adjectives to get your point accross and you make sure that the reader feels your emotions instead of just kinda throwing words together...
Hello there!
Alright, let's get to it! I'll start off with my nit picks. If I am correct, you have the second and fourth lines of each stanza rhyming. If so, you might want to check out stanzas two and five. These are a bit of a stretch, even for a slant rhyme. You really like your '...'s don't you? I don't think they are needed in stanzas two, four, and six. Try to make sure there are three dots, too.
"What to you really think," to should be do.
"I dont just say it,
To you its not just outta habbit." I would make this I don't just say it/ to you. It's not just out of habbit. Otherwise, it sounds like the other person doesn't either.
"Just stood thing, wanting to cry.. cry and never stop." Just stood there, wanting to cry, cry and never stop.
I think it should end with a question mark. Make your poem a statement, not just a thought you decided to share.
You did a good job of expressing your emotions. I felt the hurt and frustration at different parts in the poem. I like how you brought up a specific instance. It makes the problem concrete and everyhting feel real. Nice job.