Four hours in a car,
Just waiting to see you.
As I come into town,
I feel as if things went askew.
Texting you
To come see me,
Then to find out
You ditched me for a movie.
Yes it hurt,
I'm not going to lie.
But I don't think
I'm ready to say goodbye.
I like you too much,
To even shed a tear.
I'm surprised for it's the first time,
I haven't cried this year.
So I guess what they say 'bout true love
Wasn't a lie,
Cause I see now,
The one you truly love... won't make you cry
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with the people before me the lack of punctuation needs to be fixed, without at least some commas and periods its all just one run on sentence. Punctuation can really add to the over all effect of a poem creating all sorts of moods.
Also using "4" instead of four, especially in the first line really just doesn't give this a "polished" feel. The same with the slang like language such as "'bout" and "cause" just take away from the message of the poem much like the other simple mistakes take away from the flow.
The last stanza was what saved this poem for me, I really like it. But as for the rest, it needs some extra "flavor" to highlight the end message.
Okay, to start with, I loved it. (:
I don't know how, but it seems you modernized classic poetry.
Okay, but '4' really just needs to be changes to 'Four'
After 'town' there needs to comma.
In stanza four, there needs to be a colan after 'time'
And, of course, you need a apostrophe in 'wont'
Hi jumping jacks! I'm Kat and I will review your piece
Stanza to stanza!
Dear, numbers under 21 should be properly written. So remove the 4 and put four.
Also, let's talk punctuation. I have noticed you have none in this stanza. Punctuation is pretty important in poetry. It can influence the meaning and how you read it. So let's add some, shall we? The basic form for a quatrain is:
,
,
;
.
That's the more common. In here, I would suggest something else. Like this:
4 hours in a car,
Just waiting to see you.
As I come into town,
I feel as if things went askew.
Don't capitalize the 'just'.
Went doesn't sound right. Maybe try: as if all things were askew. This helps your flow and sounds better
When you read the first two lines, this sounds awkward as if something was missing. So, I suggest you to change it. Example: "I ask you
to come and see me.
Only to find out,
you ditched me for a movie."
Comma after yes.
Semi-colon after lie.
Don't capitalize the 'but'.
This stanza is very inconclusive. I can't take anything out of this! This is emotionless. Even though you say it hurt, you don't explain how! To the point where you cried, to the point where you screamed? How did it hurt?
I'm confused with the first two lines. Do you love him too much to share a tear? Or do you love him too much, so you're always crying?
Punctuation should go like:
,
;
,
.
Comma after 'surprised'.
If you haven't cried this year, then how is it the first time? Decide yourself!
So, your proper grammar has decrease to the end of the poem. Write properly, will you? Cause should be because, wont should be won't...
So, punctuation:
Period after lie.
Take the ellipses out.
Period after cry.
Overall: This was an ok poem. You should focus on your flow and imagery. I couldn't feel anything through this poem.
Questions? PM me.
*Kat*