Young Writers Society

"I Liked you
And you liked me."

The word "liked" doesnt seem that powerfull for a deep narrative like this.

I liked your theme

and the last sentace seemed week, not just for the whole poem but for the last sentance of the poem is suppose to leave an impression and make the reader want to read it over.

keep writing =)happy reading(=

I agree with miyaviloves- it seems a bit flat at the moment. Nice to see you're taking critiques on board though! I think a bit of rearranging (regarding line breaks and word placement) might help give it some immediacy.

I never knew you were so stupid
I never knew you were that desperate

The repetition here makes it awkward; I'd trim it down.

Going out with her
Going out with that thing

I like the idea of "that thing" - it makes the poet (no offense) seem really bitter and contemptuous. Nice job. I do think you could use it to better effect though. Perhaps, instead of repeating the whole line ("going out with.../going out with that thing") you could cut it down to "Going out with her/with that thing" and italicise the "thing" to give it emphasis? Just my two cents, anyway.

I just keep on wondering
What [s]in[/s] the hell were you thinking?

Oh and punctuation would be nice LOL. "I just keep wondering[comma]/What the hell were you thinking?"

Were you trying to get back at me
For all I've done

"Were you trying to get back at me[comma]/ for all I've done[question mark]"

But I keep thinking
What went wrong?
I Liked you
And you liked me.
But then you go off
And date that thing...

There needs to be more to this section. How does the narrator know "you" liked him/her? Perhaps "I thought you liked me"? And, in the second to last line, you jump into the present tense from the past tense; choose one or the other and stick with it LOL.

All in all, I think you have an interesting idea here. I really like the concept of "that thing" LMAO. But it does need some work before it reaches its full potential - so happy editing

Cheers,
~bubbles

hmm i think you could improve on this, it dosent seem to have much to it. If you build it up more, give it more emotion it could work, its a very good idea, keep working on it!

Miyaviloves

what snoink said.

and in your sig, you misspelled 'rhyme' and 'sense'.

Er... spelling. "I never knew..."

And this doesn't make any sense:

"But I keep thing"

Fix it up and it'll be much nicer!