No heart, No soul

by jumping_jacks142
  • April 15, 2008
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

I have no heart I have no soul

They have been taken away

Away to the dark

Were nothing can be found

And nothing can be lost

You can neither have it nor loose it

It is just gone.

And nothing can take its place.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Flemzo
Review
Flemzo wrote a review · Tue Apr 15, 2008 3:45 am

First, let me just say, while this was well written, it's been written before. Many, many times before. The poem is just so short that you have tons of room to expand and describe what it is that is making the speaker of the poem feel this way. Until that happens, this poem becomes lost in the background.

I removed the italics (because it's a cheap gimmick), and I closed the spacing between lines (because it's unneeded). Spelling corrections and punctuation will be in bold:

jumping_jacks142 wrote:I have no heart, I have no soul;
They have been taken away--
Away to the dark
Where nothing can be found
And nothing can be lost.
You can neither have it nor lose it--
It is just gone,
And nothing can take its place.


Just expand on this idea a little bit, and you'll be improving at least 200%

thanks for sharing!
kf

User avatar
OverEasy
Review
OverEasy wrote a review · Tue Apr 15, 2008 3:43 am

This is lacking in just about everything a poem should have. There is no flow, no interesting use of metophore or simile, no interesting word choice. It's all very blah.

There is nothing that I can say I took from this poem, nothing that will stick with me when I go to sleep tonight. Basically there is nothing here.

It's what we call "emo poetry" which should not be considered as poetry at all really. It belongs in a blog or a diary, not on YWS.


Sorry to be so harsh.

OverEasy



Every time I’ve gotten feedback that was hard to take it was usually hard to take because there was truth in it and I didn’t like that (or didn’t want to receive it). That’s not to say all harsh feedback is good or that we should be harsh for harshness’ sake, but learning to absorb truth without letting it break your inner core/break you is a lifelong skill that keeps your mind elastic and open to learning.
— soundofmind