Published May 4, 2007
I walked into the kitchen just in time to her him say that I'm not worth it, that I'm not worth his time or his breath. That he wasn't gonna tell me he didn't want to be with me. Becaue he knew that it would make me cry and he didn't want to see that (supposedly). I knew that what he said he had ment but as soon as he saw me he started being all nice and told the person on his cell that he had to go. He came up to me and held me and told me what he always did. He didn't know that I heard everything. Everything he said. I know that i couldn't hold on to him forever but I didn't tell him that I had heard.
I still held on for a couple of more days. But in that time period I wasn't as close as I had been. Everything I heard kept on repeating in my head every time I saw him. I knew that I had to tell him soon so one day I did. When I told him he called me a whore. He said I was a slut. But he never said it to my face, he said it to his friends and he said it on the phone. But never to my face. Then he came to me and asked me what the fuck is wrong with me. And I yelled at him, "I'm PREGNANT!!! That's what's wrong with me!" and he just started calling me a whore. And he stormed off. Then he came up to me and asked me, "Are you sure your pregnant?" I told him yes. Told him that I have taken the test 5 different times and that it had turned pink. He said okay and left. Later on that day he came up to me and asked me, "Whose the father?" of course I replied, "You," he asked me, "Are you sure?" and I replied, "Yes I'm sure its yours!" and again he asked me if I was sure, and I said yes; all this time I was thinking 'WHOSE ELSE WOULD IT BE?'.
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140,644 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
I think you mean hear him say.
Parentheses or however you spell them are distracting. Maybe you could use a different literary tool to show her thoughts?
Missing some capitalization here.
Capitals and multiple exclamation points aren't necessary. I think if you put pregnant in italics, and only used one exclamation point it would get the point across without interrupting your flow.
It should be who's, since it's a contraction for 'who is'. You use whose for sentences like 'I looked at Kate, whose clothes were still muddy, and blah.'
It's, since it's a contraction for it is.
I'm pretty sure this is the correct usage of whose, but the capitals are annoying. I like it as the ending, though. However, you never mention before that she hasn't slept with anyone else, and he calls her a slut, so the fact that it's his baby isn't obvious to the reader. If you mention how he's the only one, the ending would be more powerful.
This has the telling, not showing feel, and doesn't have a lot of description. If you described them more: their physical aspects, their mannerisms, where they live, why they're still dating if they don't get along, etc., the announcement pregnancy would be more dramatic, because the reader could know how it would affect their lives. It would really make your characters stand out.
Thanks for posting this! Flash-fiction is great, but if you continue this that would work too.
Jenna
Fiction is like a story that may never end it could go on for forever and keep going. With this site it makes it so kewl that everyone gets a chance to contribute.
this was incredibly strange , in fiction it felt very real , and the way you told it through emotionwas clever. I started oput thinking that she was his duaghter but then there was that wierd moment when she said , its yours .
Like it and would read more if you wrote more.-rod