This piece is actually untitled.
I put it here because it does tell a story. It's autobiographical, dealing with a trip I took to Belize and the death of a friend from that trip.
I wrote it during a poetry workshop - the prompt was "I am thinking...".
--
I am thinking about islands
Mystic waters, seas and sand;
I am thinking about tepid nights,
Lush greens and vibrant blues.
I am thinking of cerulean
Flash floods and sunshine rain
Cooling breezy strolls beneath
A steamy canopy of vivid birds.
I am thinking about midnight raids and
The boy beneath my bed.
I am thinking how I miss him now
And how I’ll never be the same.
I am thinking of his deep green eyes
Like jungle nebuli
Specks of gold and blue and violet, reside
Within those precious orbs.
I am thinking how no photograph could capture them.
I am thinking now they’re lost forever.
I am thinking of “lean on me”
As belted on the bus
And how we didn’t know the words
But I am thinking, now I do.
Yet maybe it was better then
Warbled gurgled swallowed words
Smiling faces just content
To simply sing it wrong.
Imperfect our voices rang
Like howler monkeys in the night
Cutting stark and thick black silence
With endless memories.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This is really an amazing poem. And it is accessible, just like lovekills said, *because* it's so personal. I love it.
One thing: you may want to separate this one long stanza into a couple shorter ones, maybe cutting it off about when you start talking about "lean on me." And the lack of punctuation didn't bother me one bit; poetry is one of those few places where it works perfectly.
Great poem! ^.^ I can tell this whole experience meant a lot to you. Dang, now I really want to go to Belize! ^.^
I am punctuation impaired. I don't know why. When I write a paper, I have no problem dishing it out properly. But when it comes to poetry or journal entries, I just can't bring myself to do it. I will rarely even capitalize.
It's just the way I write.
Thanks for the critique. I haven't touched that poem in three to four years, so I'm glad to look at it with fresh eyes. I agree with you about that one passage involving the three "I am thinking..."s. Must rework.
I'm glad that you found this poem accessible despite the fact that it's almost one big inside experience. I always worry about that with my poetry - much of it is autobiographical, and when I write it, I write it for myself, with the understanding that I will always know what I was talking about.
Anyway, thanks again. I hope more people will share their opinions.
I absolutely LOVE your description of his eyes. I took the liberty of adding some commas into the quotation here. It is the only thing I could find wrong with it.
The following differs from the rest of the text, in that it is the only place you use the "I am thinking" line so many times in a row. It messes up the flow just an itty bitty bit.
One more thing
Ahh. I love that song. My verdict is, though, that it could be rewritten a little bit. For instance:
Add commas after consecutive adjectives if it does not screw up the flow of a poem.
With endless memories.
I love the sentiment that goes along with your poetry. I love your descriptive language and that your entire poem finds a way to analogize everything to the jungle. It keeps the entire poem with a consistent theme. The only thing I could find wrong anywhere was a lack of punctuation. Maybe I am just a punctuation nut, though, comma happy hardcore. I figure others should conclude the critique, so if I steered you wrong they'll point it out most decisively. I'm looking forward to seeing some more of your work.