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Young Writers Society



Viva La Vida: Chapter III

by julie_bird56783


Despite what my profile reads I have made sure to review two more pieces before submitting this, somehow my computer screwed it up. But I'm clear, I promise. Enjoy! and i had a little trouble indenting due to format. did my best

"Well, then." Jade continued. "Sergey perhaps you'd care to educate our newcomer on the finer points of our little pastime here." Jade gestured to a middle-aged man directly to her left. Everything about the man was silver. From the color of his vest to the simple glass of vodka clutched in his hand. He ran a hand through his thick dark hair and the multiple silver rings on his fingers clinked together.

"Viva," the man began in a thick accent, "is a game of chance, not unlike craps or the slots that you Americans are so fond of." He paused and chuckled. "But it requires a bit more than luck. Strategy is also quite key. We will play a round just the four of us, so you can see exactly how it works. Also, not just anyone can join. You have to be chosen." he glanced briefly at each player.

"Hold up...chosen? I wasn't chosen. I chose to play this game. I wanted to try it, so here I am." Daniel said.

Sergey smiled wryly. "Daniel, if we didn't want you here, you would have never been able to find us."

Daniel said nothing, mulling this over. Sergey waited patiently twiddling his cigar between his ringed fingers.

"So, you..recruited me?" Daniel said slowly, piecing it together in his head.

"Of course," scoffed Jade. "Did you honestly think we'd cover our trail so clumsily? What we are doing here, is not exactly legal."

"Ah...so I was right." Daniel smirked. "You do want what I possess. And you want it badly enough to risk your entire enterprise. You would do anything to get your hands on it."

Jade narrowed her eyes. "You ready to see if its worth it, Dan?" She collected the dice in her palm and flung them at Sergey.

"Your move."

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14 Reviews

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Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:00 am
archer123 wrote a review...



Okay. First of all I really like tis story. But you need to be a little more descriptive. My dad always tells me, "If you are not sure descriptive enough, then be overly descriptive." People will let you know if you are being too descriptive. So I suggest taht you describe every little thing you can.

I have to say, these chapters are a little short.

"Also, not just anyone can join. You have to be chosen," he glanced briefly at each player.


He needs to be capitalized. And you might want to seperate that whole paragraph.

*Archer*




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7 Reviews

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Tue Mar 17, 2009 8:15 pm
julie_bird56783 says...



Thanks so much!!! I will be sure to remember that!!!!




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277 Reviews

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Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:18 pm
Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Hello once again Julie,

Your story is clearly intriguing. And in this one, the paragraphing is good, and easy to read. So, let's review the piece itself.

"Viva," the man began in a thick accent, "is a game of chance, not unlike craps or the slots that you Americans are so fond of." He paused and chuckled. "But it requires a bit more than luck. Strategy is also quite key. We will play a round just the four of us, so you can see exactly how it works. Also, not just anyone can join. You have to be chosen." he glanced briefly at each player.

The dialogue in this piece is weak. What really threw me here, was the fact that out of the blue he tells Daniel that not anyone can join. Why does he do so. Especially after he has said that they will demonstrate the game. I can't help but feel that this seems forced, and its entire point is to tell the audience that Daniel's been chosen.

Furthermore, it doesn't read to well because Jade has told Sergei to explain the game, and Sergei agrees, and then tells Daniel to watch a round. Why can't she tell Daniel to watch the first round herself? And, I know that you did want to introduce us to the character Sergei, but I think you should do this a little more inconspicuously.

Also, during your dialogue, you seem to have a habit of describing the manner of speaking, and the purpose as well. Just know, that the best writers ensure that their dialogue is emotive enough to do this without the need of narration. Usually it is fine to just say "he said" or something similar.

Finally, you seem to ignore the other two players in the room... I doubt they would be completely invisible. Even if they are silent, describe to us some of their movements, etc. It would give a whole load more credibility to the whole story.

But despite my criticisms, your story is still remarkably intriguing, and is pretty well written overall. I will await Part 4.





I'd be a quote vigilante. A literary Batman. Someone had better be quoting me now!
— Feltrix