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Young Writers Society



Viva LA Vida: Chapter I

by julie_bird56783


WORD TO THE WISE (READERS): Hello! WARNING: This piece may cause you to write a lengthy review of my grammar, which is not excellent, I am sorry to say! I did my best!

CHAPTER I

Jade placed one delicate high heel onto to the sidewalk as she stepped out of her limo. The driver wordlessly shut the door behind her and drove off.

You did not want to mess with a lady like Jade. She was a 25-year-old Italian beauty, with dark flowing tresses and a deadly allure. It was said Jade had impressive Mob connections in her background, but that wasn't the business that brought her to the Grand Palace Casino in Las Vegas that Saturday Evening. It was 11:30 and the nightlife had just begun. Already a hundred hopefuls had mobbed the slot machines and roulette wheels. Jade rolled her eyes at the amateurs and made her way into the casino. She strolled passed the concierge who smiled at her tentatively. 'One wrong move and I'm a dead man' he thought to himself behind his smile. 'One wrong move...' Jade walked on. She passed the Mega-Millions Jackpot and the smoky Midnight Magic lounge. She made her way to the very back of the casino. There was a door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" in the same dark cursive writing that adorned the building's facade displaying the Casino's name. She gave the door a gentle tug with her satin gloved hand and entered a dim room leaving the din of the gamble-happy tourists behind.

"Evening, boys," Jade greeted the four men seated around the table. They had obviously been awaiting her arrival. The men returned her greeting with murmured "Evenin' ma'am"s and indiscernible grunts. Jade seated herself and slid off her elbow-length gloves. She settled herself in the high backed chair and produced a pair of die and a lighter from her black faux leather clutch. She snapped the bag closed, and lit a cigarette. She didn't offer her comrades any, and they didn't ask. Jade took a long drag, eyes closed. She then opened her eyes and reverted her attention back to the men, twiddling the cigarette between her long, tapered fingers.

"Alright, you all know the game correct?" Three of the men nodded, but one newcomer, a man with thick dark hair and a martini by his side, silently shook his head. He knew this woman by reputation only, but that was enough for him. He knew just how hostile this game could turn and his very voice might betray him. Jade focused her piercing black eyes on him. "The game is called Viva. Life. Its been said that this game's quite the opposite. You've probably heard of it by reputation, but were enticed by the winnings and decided to give it a try. Here's fair warning. Its a dangerous game, a most very dangerous game... If you win you quite literally rule the world. But if you lose..." A dark grin lit up her face. "Let's just say you won't be ordering anymore martinis..ever." She gestured to his choice of beverage. "So are we all in?" She glanced around the table looking for signs of weakness. Seeing none, she rattled the dice between her palms. Stubbing out her cigarette and giving the newcomer one last long look, Jade squeezed the dice in her palm and said. "Alright then if we have no objections, let's Viva La Vida!" She gave the dice one final shake and rolled the dice onto the marble-top table before her. Simultaneously, all three veteran players gulped....


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Sun Mar 15, 2009 10:00 am
Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Hi Julie

You haven't really given me much grammar to correct whatsoever. In fact, the only thing that made your story even a little bit of a chore to read was the fact that it was not paragraphed. I would suggest going back, and putting in paragraphs. While going through your piece, I'll try help you do this. You have a really clever idea here, and I look forward to reading more.

julie_bird56783 wrote:Jade placed one delicate high heel onto to the sidewalk as she stepped out of her limo.

I would utilize the full word: limousine.

The driver wordlessly shut the door behind her and drove off to park.

I would kill the "to park". We don't really need to know the reason. Also, I know it would be short, but I would break off the paragraph here.

You did not want to mess with a lady like Jade.

Perhaps, "Few people want to mess with a lady as deadly as Jade was."

She was a 20-something Italian beauty, with dark flowing tresses and a deadly allure.

Very nice! I would however kill the "20-something". Either give her an actual age, or replace this with "young" or something similar.

but that wasn't the business that brought her to the Grand Palace Casino in Las Vegas that Saturday Evening.

Perhaps, "But this was not the business that brought her to the Grand Palace Casino in Las Vegas that Saturday night."

'One wrong move and I'm a dead man' he thought to himself behind his smile. 'One wrong move...'

I'm not sure whether the omniscient point of view from which you are writing would work as well as telling the chapter from merely Jade's perspective. I would not include his thoughts. But at the end of the day, this is something that you should decide.

entered a dim room leaving the din of the gamble-happy tourists behind.

I would replace the word "din" with "noise". Also, new paragraph here.

"Evening, boys," Jade greeted the four men seated around the table.

Remember, every piece of dialogue should start on a new line.

and produced a pair of die

Perhaps, "a set of dice".

As to the rest... You've done marvelously. Your prose is intriguing, and you shouldn't have any problems getting your readers to want more. I know I do. Your characters at the moment are a little flat. This has not become a problem yet. Although, I would try to develop them as fast as possible. Your dialogue is strong enough, and you have an excellent plot. Well, you've got a star from me!

Have a good one :)




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Sun Mar 15, 2009 4:38 am
Scarecrow says...



Very nice, but you should break it up in paragraphs to make it more readable. A big slab of writing makes my eyes hurt.

Also Viva La Vida is in my top 5 favorite songs.




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Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:53 pm
julie_bird56783 says...



Thanks so much! I will take that into consideration in my writing!!




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Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:32 pm
archer123 wrote a review...



I thought it was pretty good. I didn't see too many spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. Although I'm not the person you should be asking about spelling and grammar.

I thought it was pretty descriptive. I could really picture it in my mind. I do think you need to describe the casino and Jade a little more. What does this casino look like? Describe the way it looks and even the way it smells. People can relate to smells.

*Archer*





they got that magical iridescence that you don't expect to be on a sky rat y'know
— Ari11