Hi Julie
You haven't really given me much grammar to correct whatsoever. In fact, the only thing that made your story even a little bit of a chore to read was the fact that it was not paragraphed. I would suggest going back, and putting in paragraphs. While going through your piece, I'll try help you do this. You have a really clever idea here, and I look forward to reading more.
julie_bird56783 wrote:Jade placed one delicate high heel onto to the sidewalk as she stepped out of her limo.
I would utilize the full word: limousine.
The driver wordlessly shut the door behind her and drove off to park.
I would kill the "to park". We don't really need to know the reason. Also, I know it would be short, but I would break off the paragraph here.
You did not want to mess with a lady like Jade.
Perhaps, "Few people want to mess with a lady as deadly as Jade was."
She was a 20-something Italian beauty, with dark flowing tresses and a deadly allure.
Very nice! I would however kill the "20-something". Either give her an actual age, or replace this with "young" or something similar.
but that wasn't the business that brought her to the Grand Palace Casino in Las Vegas that Saturday Evening.
Perhaps, "But this was not the business that brought her to the Grand Palace Casino in Las Vegas that Saturday night."
'One wrong move and I'm a dead man' he thought to himself behind his smile. 'One wrong move...'
I'm not sure whether the omniscient point of view from which you are writing would work as well as telling the chapter from merely Jade's perspective. I would not include his thoughts. But at the end of the day, this is something that you should decide.
entered a dim room leaving the din of the gamble-happy tourists behind.
I would replace the word "din" with "noise". Also, new paragraph here.
"Evening, boys," Jade greeted the four men seated around the table.
Remember, every piece of dialogue should start on a new line.
and produced a pair of die
Perhaps, "a set of dice".
As to the rest... You've done marvelously. Your prose is intriguing, and you shouldn't have any problems getting your readers to want more. I know I do. Your characters at the moment are a little flat. This has not become a problem yet. Although, I would try to develop them as fast as possible. Your dialogue is strong enough, and you have an excellent plot. Well, you've got a star from me!
Have a good one
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