Published May 11, 2015
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
THEO
I knew I shouldn't have come, but I needed to see her. The girl whose face haunts my dreams and relieves me of my nightmares. The girl who walks like she's gliding on water and laughs like a fairy.The girls whose wheat colored hair glistens in the sun and emerald eyes sparkle like she knows a secret.
She looks across the bar and smiles at me. I melt. Her smile is like a electric shock to my system, making my wolf howl inside. It makes me go primal.
I need this girl.
She's mine.
This is the girl who is going to be my mate.
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138,055 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well, that is certainly a very interesting description for that girl there. Certainly makes for a very interesting start to this prologue here, as we're talking about someone that really needs to run into this girl that somehow isn't meant to be seen by then, or at least so I assume based on the way this is introduced here. Certainly hinting at some very curious points here...so this definitely starts of at a pretty exciting point here.
Well, that certainly reveals quite a few things there through that. First of all, the whole wolf thing in the title makes a lot more sense now, as it appears there are some literally wolves involved which is take to mean this character here is a werewolf, which would explain them not being able to approach the girl, and well, certainly adds another layer of mystery to this thing here.
Well, that is a very possessive thing to be saying there, sounds a tiny bit on the creepy side there, considering it appears this girl doesn't even quite seem to know of this person's existence here. At any rate, that's quite the ending there. Well, certainly an intriguing prologue you've got here, manages to get a reader's interest pretty decently here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This was very good and i wish there was more to read.You can since and picture this scene in your head with your character standing there panting over the girl from a distance.i hope you continue with your story describing your character interacting with the female.You also did a great job describing his emotions.i do agree with the "Primal" sentence. me personally would write something like " she taunts my primal core." i really do like it though.please continue.
Hello, Quicksilver here for a review.
This is a very fast paced prologue, but that's great. Many people don't agree with prologues, due to the fact they stall the story, but yours is just a brief oversight and actually hooks the reader in.
The use of short sentences punctuates this prologue, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but to me they give the impression of primal thoughts: not entirely poetic and driven purely by instinct. Given that this story appears to be about werewolves, this is an incredibly clever trick.
I see no grammer issues in this, which is excellent. However, there is one sentence that takes me out of the moment a little.
"It makes me go primal"
It jolts, and doesn't quite work. I would suggest adding it onto the sentence before like:
"...making my wolf howl inside, and driving me primal."
I enjoyed this immensely, so keep writing! I look forward to seeing more,
Quicksilver.
Ooh, supernatural novel. Me interested. I hope yours isn't going to have a pile of clichés.
Keep up the writing.
Well, what to review? The prologue is short. You have mentioned the girl's appearance the protagonist likes, and now it's time for some real character development.
These lines trouble me. "I need this girl. She's mine. This is the girl who is going to be my mate." Please make the romance as human as possible because I can see through these Theo wants to make the girl his belonging - and that's a no-no. I would prefer these lines as a show of his desperate need of her, which means he needs her badly as his other half. If it indicates that, I can relate.
I suggest you making the prologue longer. I'm sure there are some details or parts you want to introduce to readers in a subtle way - you can use the prologue as the medium. Establish what you are going to write in here, the route of your novel, etc.
That's all from me.
An oddly short prologue. The spacing is also rather odd in terms of the seemingly random spaces. I know you intend to create tension and suspense by spacing the short sentences apart. My advice would be to maybe include more detail pertaining to the main character and his appearance. Other than that try to keep it original and less generic, seen it all before down to the sentence structure.