Young Writers Society

jules4848 wrote:This is one of the stories I started. It not neccessarily my favorite...but when the story gets going later on in the chapters its alot better.


Prologue

The sun seemed to shine brighter on this fall afternoon. The clouds had disappeared from the sky as if afraid of the sun’s brightness. The grass in the Bocoric Palace courtyard was dry of its morning dew, but when you touched its green blades it seemed as alive as ever.That first paragraph just grabs my attention. The description is so cool. I feel like I'm actually there. “Your majesty father sir. Um, would it be ok if I were to um take the afternoon off?” I think it could sound a bit more medievalish. asked Kurtonious Rouldler sheepishly. It was always so hard to talk to his father because for one he was the emperor and two Kurtonious was Emperor Rouldler’s least favorite son.

“Kurtonious,” Oh how Kurtonious hated that name he wanted to be called Kurt, but only Mia Burgundy called him that. Emperor Rouldler continued, “I will let you have the afternoon for yourself, but you must report to me after dinner for an hour on politics lessons and you will do so for the next three nights.” Three nights, Kurt couldn’t believe what he was hearing. One night was bad enough, but three that was just going to far. Describe more about what his father makes him do that's so boring.
Kurt really wanted the afternoon off so he could hang out with Mia I like that name.up on the hill just beyond the main courtyard. “Yes your majesty father sir,” replied Kurt. He bowed and walked out of the room with his head down. “Three nights,” Kurt repeated to himself once the door had shut behind him. “Such a price to pay,” thought Kurt, “hopefully Mia will be able to come.”


***

Mia Burgundy entered her father’s study describe her father's study room more.to find him finishing the final draft of a letter to an ambassador from Sirobi. He wrote letters like this often. Lord Roger Burgundy was the emperor’s head scribe. He had high hopes that his daughter Mia would follow in his footsteps.

“Father may I please have the afternoon off?” asked Mia as politely as she could. Mia saw he was going to say no by the look on his face. She immediately went into her never failing pout face. Mia made her eyes big and shaped her eyebrows around them gently.I can just imagine this puppy face in my head.So cute! Then she made her lip get smaller so it looked as if she was very small and defenseless. She began to see her father’s face light up.

Roger sighed. “You may go, but you must make up the work you missed tomorrow during lunch. The day you start lacking off on your letters and numbers…”

“Is the day you forget how to dot your i’s, cross your t’s, and count your fingers,” Mia finished for him. “Sir,” She said when her father began to look aggravated for her interruption. He waved her off and she ran for the mess hall to grab her lunch, satisfied.


***


Cushioned by the soft grass lay Kurt. He had hurriedly eaten his lunch so he could beat Mia to their spot on the hill. He patiently waited for Mia to arrive. When he heard the ground begin to vibrate he sat up. Sure enough Mia was running up the hill to meet him.

“Hello Kurt. Did you miss me?” she inquired as she slowed and walked the rest of the way up to hill. Kurt smiled up at Mia and motioned for her to sit beside him. Mia sat down then stretched herself out and lied gently on her back. Kurt followed suit. Together they sat there staring at the clouds. For a long moment neither of them said a word. Mia sniffed the air taking in the scents of the new spring flowers, while Kurt was deep in thought. He hated Bocoric; it had been named for the early settles from hundreds of years ago.

“Mia?” Kurt muttered.

“Hm,” replied Mia.I think that is just so cute. Anyway it's great!
Kurt cleared his throat. He wanted to ask her something important, but he did not want it to come out wrong. “Mia, you always say that when you are older you wish to move far away from the palace, but will you actually do it?” asked Kurt shyly.

“I probably would have to sneak out of the Kingdom to do it, but yes I would do it in a heart beat if I could!” stated Mia. Kurt was hoping for this answer for he too wished to get away from this dreadful kingdom.

“If you do ever decide to go,” Kurt began, “will you promise me that I can go with you?” Mia’s look on her face turned into a confused one, but then it became serious.

“Of course I would,” Mia said finally, “Provided of coarse I could leave.” Mia sighed like she did when she was thinking. “Kurt, if you found some way to escape would you take me?”

Kurt didn’t have to think of the answer. He had a feeling she would ask him and he had prepared his answer. “If I got out of the kingdom the only thing I would take is you. Besides horses and supplies of coarse.” Kurt paused before continuing. “You know where I want to go?” Mia shook her head. “I want to go to Carshac!”

Mia’s eyes lit up. She loved the stories told about Carshac. Their people were treated equal meaning the women and the men had the same rights. The law protected even servants.

Finally Mia said, “Boy Kurt, you sure are a dreamer these days, and don’t torture me like that. You know I have always wanted to go to Carshac,” Mia paused to take a breath and then continued, “I would certainly go with you to Carshac without a doubt. It would be great to see how they lived.”

The two of them chatted back and forth imagining what it would be like to live in Carshac when the church bells began to ring stating the hour. Kurt and Mia’s time together had come to an end. Each headed back to the Central Wing of the palace. Mia returned to her father to practice her reading and writing, whilst Kurt returned to his tutor in formations to review old battles.


Jules4848, this was really cute and I liked it alot. I'm happy I get a sneak peek at all of your chapters.It was a bit awkward at times, but then it got better. Currently Im working on Chapter 4 (but I have writers block so it is not progressing far)
All are welcome to critque

thanks, and yes i have written the 1, 2, and 3 chapters but im constantly changing them around and the prlogue seems to be the only thing that doesnt change

I enjoyed reading this very much, jules4848:) Good flow, a little more description would be nice, but with or without, it is a very good start and I for one enjoyed it.

Here are some ideas:
“The sun seemed to shine brighter than ever on this fall afternoon.” Perhaps sounds a little better?
“but three, that was just going to far.” I believe should be spelled with two Os, and I think it flows better with a comma between the word three and that, but I‘m not sure.
“He waved her off and she ran for the mess hall to grab her lunch, satisfied.” I would revise this: “He waved her off, and satisfied, she ran for the mess hall to grab her lunch.”
“When he heard the ground begin to vibrate”, vibrate is something you feel, so perhaps you can revise it to: “When he heard the sound of hurried footsteps he sat up.”
Just a typo, “early settles”, should be “early settlers”. Another typo, “It would be great to see how they lived.”, should be: “It would be great to see how they live.”

Also, have you written the first, second, and third chapters yet? Or do you write out of order?
Ah, a writer’s worst enemy, writer’s block! And no real cures except to write, write, and write some more until you break down that annoying wall blocking your imagination from flowing. So don’t give up, the only cure is to write.

Blessings,
Faith

It's very intertaining but why is the prince friends with Mia? How did they meet?
When Mia lied down it should be layed down, I think anyways. There are afew typos but its pretty good so far. Tell me if/whe you get the next peice up and I'd be happy to read it.

See ya,
-Amber