This is a recent story idea I came up with. The idea of the prologue is to just set up the story. It gives you a hint into the kind of world the main character lives in, what kind of relationships and bonds the character has and it tells you what the main goal of the story is. If you get all that after reading this then I succeeded.
I don't care if you rip it to shreds. It's only a first draft so there's always room for improvement. Just a heads up I want to try and make it more detailed without giving away too much. Thanks, enjoy!
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“Ugh!” Ryan slammed to the ground, blood around her lips and pain in her stomach. She groaned and turned over in an attempt to get up.
“Stay down, scum!” Ryan’s antagonists grabbed her hair and pulled her head back. They punched her in the face breaking Ryan’s nose and another punch led to a black eye.
“So much for never hit a girl,” thought Ryan to herself as they slammed her head pack into the pavement.
“Hey!” cried a voice. “Let her go!” Frightened, the boys ran off. “Ryan, I figured it was you!”
After helping her up Ryan was able to get a closer look at her savor. It was Mrs. Carson from Hand-to-Hand Combat class.
“Here lean on me we’ll go get you looked at.” Ryan was in too much pain to argue so she did what she was told.
***
“Ow!” shouted Ryan. “Watch it!”
“Oh hush, hush,” said Mrs. Rayon. “Somehow you managed to get five sharp rocks lodged in your back.” Mrs. Rayon was the local nurse, but she was uncanny at times. “Not to mention you have three broken ribs!”
“Ryan,” began Mrs. Carson.
“Wha-ow!”
“Ryan, you’re going to stay with me while you’re still healing,” explained Mrs. Carson. “That way those boys won’t get to you again.”
Ryan opened her mouth to protest.
“And no complaining!”
“Oh.”
***
“Ryan! I brought back dinner!” yelled Mrs. Carson.
“And desert!”
“Peter, that’s not for tonight.”
Peter was Mrs. Carson’s husband, but rarely was he called Mr. Carson. Everyone called him Peter as was dictated with every adult male in the nation.
“Ryan!” Mrs. Carson shouted again. Walking into the living room, Mrs. Carson found a note on the coffee table.
Mrs. Carson-
Went out. Will be back soon. I promise not to get into trouble!
-Ryan
Peter came over and read the note.
“She’ll be fine,” assured Peter.
“Yeah, I know, but I still worry.”
***
The swings screeched in the night as Ryan swung back and forth.
“Don’t worry. I’m working as hard as ever,” said Ryan into the night. “Wounds are what makes me stronger. A survivor. I promised I would reach our goal someday and that’s something I intend to keep.”
Ryan leaped off the swing landing firmly on her feet as if she had never been hurt. Looking at the stationary swing that had been next to her she began to pat its seat.
“I’m going to change the world someday, Sam, just like you wanted.”
***
(4 years later)
“Come on Ryan. There was nothing you could have done,” said Mr. Lanor.
“No!” Ryan screamed. “I could have been there. I could have saved them.” The rain poured down onto the street. Ryan and Mr. Lanor were both soaked.
“Now you’re just being ridiculous, I was being nice by lending you a hand but if you’re going to be like this, forget it. You’re on your own.” With those words Mr. Lanor walked away into the night. His steps were drowned out by the sound of water crashing onto pavement.
Ryan just stood there for a while.
The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
Ryan set out to the park. Upon arrival she sat down on the swing like she had done so many times before.
“Mrs. Carson, Peter, and even Little Jesse. They’re all gone, Sam. What am I going to do?” asked Ryan. “I’m all alone.”
___________________________________________
Thanks again for reading and I hope you liked it.
-Jules
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
O.O I see everyone has already pointed out grammatical and spelling errors so I don't need to. But otherwise, I like it. Maybe fix a few things up here and there, but yeah, other than that, I like it.
Ok, I don't have many point to point grammatical concerns, but this is way too short. Each scene may be needed, but each of them needs to be much, much longer. I don't feel like I have a good sense of the world at all.
Remember that it has to be more about the characters than the plot. Plot can get out of control if you don't know the characters as well as needed, and then you may feel like starting over again. I know from experience that it takes a while to get back in the saddle again if you stop.
Hi Jules,
Overall, I struggled to get involved in this chapter. The series of very short scenes felt choppy to me and I didn't get enough of a sense of the narrator to really like her.
The opening scene reads like a slightly too obvious play for reader sympathy. The narrator is being beaten up (sympathy: she's a victim) for no apparent reason by a group (sympathy: unequal fight) who say stereotypically evil things like "stay down, scum!" (sympathy: they're bad guys). Without a clear idea of why exactly the narrator is being beaten up, I'm wary of giving her my sympathy. For all I know they're beating on her because she kicked their puppy - to death. In which case I'd feel quite sympathetic toward the other guys and I'd entirely agree with their statement that she's "scum". I get the impression that there is no real motivation behind the scene - it's purely there to get reader sympathy for the victim narrator and reader hatred toward the faceless bad guys.
I think you could improve the fight scene by increasing the narrator's reaction. At the moment, it reads kind of like a blow-by-blow: X punched Y, and then Z slammed Y's head into the ground, etc etc. What really makes fight scenes come alive, for me, is emotional and physical reaction. Having your nose broken really hurts - and also bleeds like hell. Pain. Impact. Shock. Fear. All this stuff is missing for me. I feel like I'm being kept at a distance from what the narrator is really feeling.
The dialogue tags are a little over-enthusiastic at times, I think. The tag "X said" is practically invisible, whereas "cried" and "shouted" and "began" and "explained" are not. Some of these tags are also redundant. If a line of dialogue is clearly explaining something, using the tag "X explained" is unnecessary.
I also had a plot logic problem when the narrator just casually moved in with a teacher. It seems horribly unethical and inappropriate for a pupil to move in with their own teacher. I'm also wondering where on earth the narrator's own family are and why the teacher doesn't seem to have even consulted them before arbitrarily deciding to steal their daughter.
Beware melodramatic dialogue: "The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
The mini-scenes with Invisible Sam are very cool. The first one really perked up my interest. I'm not sure that I'm hooked enough to read on, but if I did, it would be to find out exactly what is going on with Invisible Sam.
Just a few thoughts.
Karsten
hi there.
you build a suspense and i like it. it's a bit hard to get the point at first, because of lack of information... but i think its a good prologue.
keep it up and Godspeed.
-claron
hi, jules...
okay, about this one: i think, i'm a little confused with this kind of approach. you know, how quickly the story shifts, and then it was four years later..
well i guess you're right. there's still time for edition and details. i think the reason you left out details like Ryan's parents, or how she is related to these characters or why the boys bully her is because you wanted to build a suspense, and let the readers guess what is really going on. well, that's what i think.
love this one.
feel free to pm me.
~telle
Cool
Hey there, Jules! Here to review. First, the nitpicks.
Antagonists? I don't think so. Use another word, please.
It's just me, but I'm pretty sure black eyes don't happen immediately. They take a while to show.
"Frightened, the boys ran off." should be another line altogether. And then Ryan, I figured it was you...Okay. Maybe not. But this isn't working for me. It's kind of confusing.
As her savior helped her up, Ryan realized that it was Mrs. Carson from Hand-to-Hand Combat class.
The way you wrote it, it was as if Ryan was the one helping Mrs. Carson up. ^__^
"Here, lean on me. We'll go get you looked at."
Ryan was in too much pain to argue, so she did what she was told.
Okay, error here. Five sharp rocks lodged in her back I can understand. Plus three broken ribs? She would be in too much pain to be coherent. She wouldn't have been able to realize who Mrs. Carson was, unless she lacked the ability to feel pain or something. And an injury that bad would drag you all the way to the hospital.
Not possible, no matter how strong the person is.
Hit pause. Didn't you say males were all called by their first names? Why is this guy called Mr. Lanor?
Eh? I don't get it.
OVERALL: Too much telling and not enough showing. However, I can tell that this story has potential. Ryan's character is interesting. Just cover up those plot holes up there, and those errors. ^__^
If you found this too mean/harsh/whatever, please don't. I'm sorry if it offended you. Anyway, happy writing!
Thoughts are usually indicated by italics. I think '' marks and even nothing as long as its followed by a tag (i.e "I thought" "I wondered") but I'm not entirely sure on those two. Quotations marks are reserved for dialogue.
More description. We need to be able to imagine the scene. What do the "antagonists" look like? What does Mrs. Carson look like? What does her house look like?
Who in the world is Sam???? That's something you should be telling us soon. Why did Sam want a teenage (I'm assuming she is) girl changing the world?
This definitely has the potential to be a great story. You've caught my interest which is good, but I also don't know anything. I know Ryan is a girl that's attacked by some guys. I know someone named Sam wants her to change the world. And I know Mrs. and Mr. Carson took her in and are now dead.
But I don't know why these things are happening. I don't know how it started. I don't know why the guys attacked Ryan, who Sam is, or what exactly happened to the Carsons.
Personally, I think either the beginning part of this chapter (before the 'four years later' part) could either be cut altogether and explained through the beginning of the actual story, or it could be fleshed out into the actual prologue and the 'four years later' part could become the beginning of the first chapter.
But since I don't know what the actual first chapter is, it's up to you
Is this a short story? It's moving very fast.[/quote]
Overall, I think that you need more development in terms of description, characters, dialogue, and plot. You seem to have a good idea, and it's great that you've set out to work on that. Keep going. You show imagination and potential. Never stop writing.
Hiya! Sorry for being a little late.
Lets get shredding, shall we?
This, as an opening line, does a half-decent job. I would nix the "ugh" as it feels rather unnecessary. You can replace it with "Ryan grunted/cried out/yelled when she slammed to..." I think that would act as a better hook.
What I didn't like so much here is it's rather unclear that she's in a fight. With the "blood around her lips" bit, I thought she was a vampire who'd just tasted some bad blood or something, lol.
The whole fight-scene in general could be expanded upon. We don't really get a sense for where she is, what she's feeling, what her emotions are about her teacher, all that good stuff. If you want to keep it vague, nix a lot of the emotion, but still add in a pinch.
Question: Can they get a little more original, maybe expand on this idea a bit?
Not sure how much I like "antagonists" here. I'd replace it with "tormentors" or something less, dare I say upper-class? The word just feels a little strong from my experience with it. ^_^
Minor grammar thing: I'd replace "and" with a period or a semicolon.
Not so sure how much I like the "telling" nature of this line. A broken nose and black eye come with pain. The nose would also come with blood. This is one location you could add in more sensory description for the fight scene.
~ Thoughts are usually in italics or single quotes.
~ Is Ryan telepathic? If not, you can delete "to herself" since nobody else is really in your thoughts. ^_^
I'd like some sort of tag added on to "Ryan, I figured it was you!" and have it as its own line. Maybe the sound of running footsteps or something.
With this line, I find "cried a voice" a bit too vague. Wouldn't that have been a familiar voice?
I'd put a comma after "here."
~ I'd put a comma after "argue" to make this easier to read.
~ Again, a bit vague. Where was this pain coming from? How hard is it for her to stand/walk?
~ "Somehow"? Wouldn't somebody have told the nurse what happened? Or is that what the "she was uncanny at times" explaining? If so, that's not clear.
~ I'm wondering if we need her name. Does she show up again? If not, it's just unneeded info.
The "with" in this sentence makes me confused. Shouldn't it be "by"?
I like the line, though. It's cute. ^_^
"Into the night" is a bit repetitive here.
Shouldn't it be "make" for present tense?
Time-line please? It's hard to know that she'd be fine if this is six/seven months later. I'm assuming this is soon after the fight?
On a related note, wouldn't Mrs. Carson notice if Ryan was suddenly better?
And Mr. Lanor is who? You never really tell us. ^_^ (Or is that the point?)
Missing a quote in front of this, if it is dialogue.
We never got a mention of him before.
*
Characters: Ryan as a character... she's okay. I know this is just the prologue, but I'd like more of her feelings. I don't find I'm "clicking" with her. (It's hard to tell your MC is a her, though. With the amount you use her real name) Nothing is really described for us to love or hate her. She's just there.
Come the end, with all the first-time character mentions that seem to be important, it's hard to understand. The prologue was rather solid before that. After, we're just left wondering, who are all these people, and what happened to make them close?
What I got: That the MC lives in a world near to our own in structure (with the language and the mention of the nurse), she rarely gets close to people, she has a protective spirit that comes when she's at the park and... I'm thinking the main goal is she's going to find all the people who hurt her friends/family and hurt them.
If I'm right, I'm happy, but I had to think on what was shown. It's not really clear.
Detailed with more info: A touch of emotion on Ryan's part would help us get more detail without giving away too much. Show us more of her hurt, brush-off attitude (I got that from her jumping off the swing with no injuries), a few more bits of her personality.
Overall: I liked the kind of "vacuum" style here. We don't get much detail and I liked that. Since it's really just about the MC, I'd like to see more into the MC's head. Emotion and physical feeling would make this shine. I find some ideas could be expanded on slightly, and maybe make it a touch clearer what her relationships with people are.
Questions? PM me!
~Rosey
Firstly I would just like to say I did like this piece alot, it drew me in very quickly and I couldn't keep my eyes of the page but there are a few things you need to change
-You use Ryan way to much in this story, try balancing out by writing she sometimes instead. I think you use Ryan about 7 times in the first paragraph alone.
- This piece isn't very descriptive. You could do so much with the description here, especially with the park scene. Give us a little bit of her appearance and surroundings because at the moment it is a little still, almost 2d.
- Halfway through you change Ryan's sex from girl to boy.
- In the park scenes, where she is talking to "Sam", give us a little bit more. Maybe have a brief flashback or some vague sense of who he is to her without revealing anything major.
I do think this has a lot of potential but it needs work, I would love to see the edited prolgue of "alone" and the first chapter.
feel free to pm me if you have any questions
izzy
Pack should be back.
Savor should be savior.
There should either be a comma or a semicolon after me.
There should be a comma after argue.
You called Ryan a he.
Bonjour, Jules. Let's start out with the nitpicks.
It's probably just me, but when I read "ugh", I think of somebody scoffing in disgust. Maybe another syllable would make it sound more like Ryan's having the wind knocked out of her? Such as "gah", perhaps?You need a comma after "face". I think "another punch led to a black eye" sounds awkward. Could you rephrase it? "Another punch would reveal itself in a shiner later." Hmm, I don't really like that, either.
"Savor" should be "saviour".
Comma after "here". I think you should break this into two senteces with a period after "me".
GROSS! (sorry)
Should be "dessert".
This is the only sentence that drops an obvious hint about the social context of the setting. Maybe it could be a little less obvious? It kind of sticks out like a sore thumb.
WHY IS RYAN NOW A "HE"?
WHO IS SAM?
Who is Mr. Lanor?
I believe you are missing some quotation marks at the beginning of this sentence.
Okay, now that that's behind us: this is very interesting. I'm confused. I want to know more.
About the structure - it doesn't seem like a prologue. I don't know many prologues that are written in short episodes over a span of four years. It seems like the story should start where you started the prologue, with Ryan getting beat up, and have much more information. Maybe I'd feel differently if I knew the plot of the novel. What is going to happen? Because it feels like a whole novel-worth of plot has already happened in the prologue. Does that make sense? PM me for clarification.
So, not too many errors. Good start. I can't wait to read the next part.
-rachel
Wow, this looks like it could be a really great story. There was a just one part that confused me. Is a Ryan a boy or girl? Because in your story, you used both genders, so just watch out for that. But that's about the only thing that confused me. I really liked the part about Mrs.Carson when she stopped Ryan from complaining, like she knew that Ryan was about to. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up and you will have a really great story that people will enjoy to read.