O.O I see everyone has already pointed out grammatical and spelling errors so I don't need to. But otherwise, I like it. Maybe fix a few things up here and there, but yeah, other than that, I like it.
This is a recent story idea I came up with. The idea of the prologue is to just set up the story. It gives you a hint into the kind of world the main character lives in, what kind of relationships and bonds the character has and it tells you what the main goal of the story is. If you get all that after reading this then I succeeded.
I don't care if you rip it to shreds. It's only a first draft so there's always room for improvement. Just a heads up I want to try and make it more detailed without giving away too much. Thanks, enjoy!
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“Ugh!” Ryan slammed to the ground, blood around her lips and pain in her stomach. She groaned and turned over in an attempt to get up.
“Stay down, scum!” Ryan’s antagonists grabbed her hair and pulled her head back. They punched her in the face breaking Ryan’s nose and another punch led to a black eye.
“So much for never hit a girl,” thought Ryan to herself as they slammed her head pack into the pavement.
“Hey!” cried a voice. “Let her go!” Frightened, the boys ran off. “Ryan, I figured it was you!”
After helping her up Ryan was able to get a closer look at her savor. It was Mrs. Carson from Hand-to-Hand Combat class.
“Here lean on me we’ll go get you looked at.” Ryan was in too much pain to argue so she did what she was told.
***
“Ow!” shouted Ryan. “Watch it!”
“Oh hush, hush,” said Mrs. Rayon. “Somehow you managed to get five sharp rocks lodged in your back.” Mrs. Rayon was the local nurse, but she was uncanny at times. “Not to mention you have three broken ribs!”
“Ryan,” began Mrs. Carson.
“Wha-ow!”
“Ryan, you’re going to stay with me while you’re still healing,” explained Mrs. Carson. “That way those boys won’t get to you again.”
Ryan opened her mouth to protest.
“And no complaining!”
“Oh.”
***
“Ryan! I brought back dinner!” yelled Mrs. Carson.
“And desert!”
“Peter, that’s not for tonight.”
Peter was Mrs. Carson’s husband, but rarely was he called Mr. Carson. Everyone called him Peter as was dictated with every adult male in the nation.
“Ryan!” Mrs. Carson shouted again. Walking into the living room, Mrs. Carson found a note on the coffee table.
Mrs. Carson-
Went out. Will be back soon. I promise not to get into trouble!
-Ryan
Peter came over and read the note.
“She’ll be fine,” assured Peter.
“Yeah, I know, but I still worry.”
***
The swings screeched in the night as Ryan swung back and forth.
“Don’t worry. I’m working as hard as ever,” said Ryan into the night. “Wounds are what makes me stronger. A survivor. I promised I would reach our goal someday and that’s something I intend to keep.”
Ryan leaped off the swing landing firmly on her feet as if she had never been hurt. Looking at the stationary swing that had been next to her she began to pat its seat.
“I’m going to change the world someday, Sam, just like you wanted.”
***
(4 years later)
“Come on Ryan. There was nothing you could have done,” said Mr. Lanor.
“No!” Ryan screamed. “I could have been there. I could have saved them.” The rain poured down onto the street. Ryan and Mr. Lanor were both soaked.
“Now you’re just being ridiculous, I was being nice by lending you a hand but if you’re going to be like this, forget it. You’re on your own.” With those words Mr. Lanor walked away into the night. His steps were drowned out by the sound of water crashing onto pavement.
Ryan just stood there for a while.
The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
Ryan set out to the park. Upon arrival she sat down on the swing like she had done so many times before.
“Mrs. Carson, Peter, and even Little Jesse. They’re all gone, Sam. What am I going to do?” asked Ryan. “I’m all alone.”
___________________________________________
Thanks again for reading and I hope you liked it.
-Jules
O.O I see everyone has already pointed out grammatical and spelling errors so I don't need to. But otherwise, I like it. Maybe fix a few things up here and there, but yeah, other than that, I like it.
Ok, I don't have many point to point grammatical concerns, but this is way too short. Each scene may be needed, but each of them needs to be much, much longer. I don't feel like I have a good sense of the world at all.
Remember that it has to be more about the characters than the plot. Plot can get out of control if you don't know the characters as well as needed, and then you may feel like starting over again. I know from experience that it takes a while to get back in the saddle again if you stop.
Hi Jules,
Overall, I struggled to get involved in this chapter. The series of very short scenes felt choppy to me and I didn't get enough of a sense of the narrator to really like her.
The opening scene reads like a slightly too obvious play for reader sympathy. The narrator is being beaten up (sympathy: she's a victim) for no apparent reason by a group (sympathy: unequal fight) who say stereotypically evil things like "stay down, scum!" (sympathy: they're bad guys). Without a clear idea of why exactly the narrator is being beaten up, I'm wary of giving her my sympathy. For all I know they're beating on her because she kicked their puppy - to death. In which case I'd feel quite sympathetic toward the other guys and I'd entirely agree with their statement that she's "scum". I get the impression that there is no real motivation behind the scene - it's purely there to get reader sympathy for the victim narrator and reader hatred toward the faceless bad guys.
I think you could improve the fight scene by increasing the narrator's reaction. At the moment, it reads kind of like a blow-by-blow: X punched Y, and then Z slammed Y's head into the ground, etc etc. What really makes fight scenes come alive, for me, is emotional and physical reaction. Having your nose broken really hurts - and also bleeds like hell. Pain. Impact. Shock. Fear. All this stuff is missing for me. I feel like I'm being kept at a distance from what the narrator is really feeling.
The dialogue tags are a little over-enthusiastic at times, I think. The tag "X said" is practically invisible, whereas "cried" and "shouted" and "began" and "explained" are not. Some of these tags are also redundant. If a line of dialogue is clearly explaining something, using the tag "X explained" is unnecessary.
I also had a plot logic problem when the narrator just casually moved in with a teacher. It seems horribly unethical and inappropriate for a pupil to move in with their own teacher. I'm also wondering where on earth the narrator's own family are and why the teacher doesn't seem to have even consulted them before arbitrarily deciding to steal their daughter.
Beware melodramatic dialogue: "The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
The mini-scenes with Invisible Sam are very cool. The first one really perked up my interest. I'm not sure that I'm hooked enough to read on, but if I did, it would be to find out exactly what is going on with Invisible Sam.
Just a few thoughts.
Karsten
hi there.
you build a suspense and i like it. it's a bit hard to get the point at first, because of lack of information... but i think its a good prologue.
keep it up and Godspeed.
-claron 
hi, jules...
okay, about this one: i think, i'm a little confused with this kind of approach. you know, how quickly the story shifts, and then it was four years later..
well i guess you're right. there's still time for edition and details. i think the reason you left out details like Ryan's parents, or how she is related to these characters or why the boys bully her is because you wanted to build a suspense, and let the readers guess what is really going on. well, that's what i think.
the world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.
Hey there, Jules! Here to review. First, the nitpicks.
Ryan’s antagonists grabbed her hair and pulled her head back.
They punched her in the face breaking Ryan’s nose and another punch led to a black eye.
“Hey!” cried a voice. “Let her go!” Frightened, the boys ran off. “Ryan, I figured it was you!”
After helping her up Ryan was able to get a closer look at her savor.It was Mrs. Carson from Hand-to-Hand Combat class.
“Here lean on me we’ll go get you looked at.” Ryan was in too much pain to argue so she did what she was told.
“Oh hush, hush,” said Mrs. Rayon. “Somehow you managed to get five sharp rocks lodged in your back.” Mrs. Rayon was the local nurse, but she was uncanny at times. “Not to mention you have three broken ribs!”
Ryan leaped off the swing landing firmly on her feet as if she had never been hurt. Looking at the stationary swing that had been next to her she began to pat its seat.
Ryan and Mr. Lanor were both soaked.
The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
“So much for never hit a girl,” thought Ryan to herself as they slammed her head pack into the pavement.
“I’m going to change the world someday, Sam, just like you wanted.”
"Ugh!” Ryan slammed to the ground, blood around her lips [Describe more here. Where is the blood coming from? Is there a cut on her lip? The sentence is just too abrupt] and pain in her stomach [Too vague, now. Give us a mroe detailed description of this pain. Is it aching? Pounding?] She groaned and turned over in an attempt to get up.
“Stay down, scum!” Ryan’s antagonists [Didn't Like this. You say Ryan too much as it is, and the whole 'antagonists makes it awkward] grabbed her hair and pulled her head back. They punched her in the face [Comma] breaking Ryan’s nose [Wouldn't she cry out in pain? Would there be any audible sound of the bone crunching?] and another punch [Vary up the vocab a little. Instead of 'punch' try something like 'blow' for added effect] led to a black eye.
“So much for never hit a girl,” thought Ryan to herself [Thoughts are in Italics, not made to look like dialogue] as they slammed her head pack into the pavement. [Uh, why isn't she fighting back at all here? She just lets them shove her head onto hard rock? And she's taking combat class?]
“Hey!” cried a voice. [Awkward. Just use something like 'someone cried'] “Let her go!” Frightened, the boys ran off. [They ran off that quickly, huh? Seems to me boys who have enough anger and spite in them to beat up a defenseless girl would scare a lot harder than this] “Ryan, I figured it was you!” [Shouldn't there be more alarm or concern here? I mean, Ryan's nose is broken and she's been beaten to a pulp. The casuality is out of place]
After helping her up [Comma] Ryan was able to get a closer look at her savor [I think you meant savior, not savor]. It was Mrs. Carson from Hand-to-Hand Combat class.
“Here [Comma] lean on me we’ll go get you looked at.” Ryan was in too much pain to argue so she did what she was told.
***
“Ow!” shouted Ryan. “Watch it!”
“Oh hush, hush,” said Mrs. Rayon [This name is too similar to Ryan, in my opinion. There are thousands of last names out there. Pick one. Any one other than this]. “Somehow you managed to get five sharp rocks lodged in your back.” Mrs. Rayon was the local nurse, but she was uncanny at times. “Not to mention you have three broken ribs!”
“Ryan,” began Mrs. Carson.
“Wha-ow!”
“Ryan, you’re going to stay with me while you’re still healing,” explained [Doesn't seem like an explanation. More like telling] Mrs. Carson. “That way those boys won’t get to you again.”
Ryan opened her mouth to protest.
“And no complaining!”
“Oh.” [Ryan is kind of... wimpy. Maybe you mean for her to be that way, but frankly, I find her passiveness annoying. Shouldn't she have a little more backbone, considering she's in some kind of combat class and she's a typical teenager living in our world?]
One more thing: Where is Ryan's family? Does she live in a foster home? If so, Mrs. Carson would have had to get permissionf rom her guardians to bring Ryan home with her, and they don't even know about the fight or whatever. If not, Ryan can't be homeless. First off, someone like Mrs. Carons probably wouldn't stabd for that, and for another, our system today doesn't allow children to be homeless. At least from what I know.
Just a couple things to think on.
***
“Ryan! I brought back dinner!” yelled Mrs. Carson. [This reminds me. Why didn't Mrs. Carson call the police and report what happened to Ryan? Those kinds of things are NOT taken lightly, and a normal adult would report it.]
“And desert!” [Dessert, not desert]
“Peter, that’s not for tonight.”
Peter was Mrs. Carson’s husband, but rarely was he called Mr. Carson. Everyone called him Peter as was dictated with every adult male in the nation. [This sentence is out of place. You're over-explaining things now. I don't care about why he's called by his first name, just what that first name is. And you already told us that.]
“Ryan!” Mrs. Carson shouted again. Walking into the living room, Mrs. Carson found a note on the coffee table.
Mrs. Carson-
Went out. Will be back soon. I promise not to get into trouble!
-Ryan [Note should be in Italics.]
Peter came over and read the note.
“She’ll be fine,” assured Peter.
“Yeah, I know, but I still worry.”
***
The swings screeched in the night as Ryan swung back and forth.
“Don’t worry. I’m working as hard as ever,” said Ryan into the night. “Wounds are what makes me stronger. A survivor. I promised I would reach our goal someday and that’s something I intend to keep.”
Ryan leaped off the swing [Comma] landing firmly on her feet as if she had never been hurt. Looking at the stationary swing that had been next to her [Comma] she began to pat its seat.
“I’m going to change the world someday, Sam, just like you wanted.”
***
(4 years later)
“Come on Ryan. There was nothing you could have done,” said Mr. Lanor.
“No!” Ryan screamed. “I could have been there. I could have saved them.” The rain poured down onto the street. Ryan and Mr. Lanor were both soaked.
“Now you’re just being ridiculous, I was being nice by lending you a hand but if you’re going to be like this, forget it. You’re on your own.” With those words Mr. Lanor walked away into the night. His steps were drowned out by the sound of water crashing onto pavement. [Rain doesn't crash. It pours, it drips, it lashes, but it doesn't crash]
Ryan just stood there for a while.
[Missing punctuation here] The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
Ryan set out to the park. Upon arrival she sat down on the swing like she had done so many times before.
“Mrs. Carson, Peter, and even Little Jesse. They’re all gone, Sam. What am I going to do?” asked Ryan. “I’m all alone.”
Hiya! Sorry for being a little late.
Lets get shredding, shall we?
“Ugh!” Ryan slammed to the ground, blood around her lips and pain in her stomach.
“Stay down, scum!”
Ryan’s antagonists grabbed her hair and pulled her head back.
They punched her in the face breaking Ryan’s nose and another punch led to a black eye.
“So much for never hit a girl,” thought Ryan to herself as they slammed her head pack into the pavement.
“Hey!” cried a voice. “Let her go!” Frightened, the boys ran off. “Ryan, I figured it was you!”
After helping her up Ryan was able to get a closer look at her savor. It was Mrs. Carson from Hand-to-Hand Combat class.
“Here lean on me we’ll go get you looked at.”
Ryan was in too much pain to argue so she did what she was told.
“Somehow you managed to get five sharp rocks lodged in your back.” Mrs. Rayon was the local nurse, but she was uncanny at times. “Not to mention you have three broken ribs!”
Everyone called him Peter as was dictated with every adult male in the nation.
The swings screeched in the night as Ryan swung back and forth.
“Don’t worry. I’m working as hard as ever,” said Ryan into the night.
“Wounds are what makes me stronger.
Ryan leaped off the swing landing firmly on her feet as if she had never been hurt.
said Mr. Lanor.
The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
and even Little Jesse.
Firstly I would just like to say I did like this piece alot, it drew me in very quickly and I couldn't keep my eyes of the page but there are a few things you need to change
-You use Ryan way to much in this story, try balancing out by writing she sometimes instead. I think you use Ryan about 7 times in the first paragraph alone.
- This piece isn't very descriptive. You could do so much with the description here, especially with the park scene. Give us a little bit of her appearance and surroundings because at the moment it is a little still, almost 2d.
- Halfway through you change Ryan's sex from girl to boy.
- In the park scenes, where she is talking to "Sam", give us a little bit more. Maybe have a brief flashback or some vague sense of who he is to her without revealing anything major.
I do think this has a lot of potential but it needs work, I would love to see the edited prolgue of "alone" and the first chapter.
feel free to pm me if you have any questions
izzy
thought Ryan to herself as they slammed her head pack into the pavement.
After helping her up Ryan was able to get a closer look at her savor.
“Here lean on me we’ll go get you looked at.”
Ryan was in too much pain to argue so she did what she was told.
Ryan leaped off the swing landing firmly on his feet as if he had never been hurt.
Characters There were many characters that are still mysteries to the reader. Who is Sam? Who is Mr. Lanor? Who is Little Jesse? No one knows who they are. It makes the story very confusing.
Ryan's family You never explain why Ryan doesn't with her family. Why does she live with Mrs. Carson and Peter? You never explain this part.
Setting The setting seems to be set in present time, but when you mentioned the males being called by their first names, it didn't seem like it was. Try to describe the time a little bit more.
Overall Overall, the story is good. The ending is exciting, and makes people want to read more. If you just add some detail, it will be great.Bonjour, Jules. Let's start out with the nitpicks.
It's probably just me, but when I read "ugh", I think of somebody scoffing in disgust. Maybe another syllable would make it sound more like Ryan's having the wind knocked out of her? Such as "gah", perhaps?“Ugh!” Ryan slammed to the ground, blood around her lips and pain in her stomach.
You need a comma after "face". I think "another punch led to a black eye" sounds awkward. Could you rephrase it? "Another punch would reveal itself in a shiner later." Hmm, I don't really like that, either.They punched her in the face breaking Ryan’s nose and another punch led to a black eye.
"Savor" should be "saviour".After helping her up Ryan was able to get a closer look at her savor.
Comma after "here". I think you should break this into two senteces with a period after "me".“Here lean on me we’ll go get you looked at.”
GROSS! (sorry)“Somehow you managed to get five sharp rocks lodged in your back.”
Should be "dessert".“And desert!”
This is the only sentence that drops an obvious hint about the social context of the setting. Maybe it could be a little less obvious? It kind of sticks out like a sore thumb.Everyone called him Peter as was dictated with every adult male in the nation.
WHY IS RYAN NOW A "HE"?Ryan leaped off the swing landing firmly on his feet as if he had never been hurt.
WHO IS SAM?“I’m going to change the world someday, Sam, just like you wanted.”
Who is Mr. Lanor?“Come on Ryan. There was nothing you could have done,” said Mr. Lanor.
I believe you are missing some quotation marks at the beginning of this sentence.The world knows nothing of my pain and yet it cries right along with me.”
Wow, this looks like it could be a really great story. There was a just one part that confused me. Is a Ryan a boy or girl? Because in your story, you used both genders, so just watch out for that. But that's about the only thing that confused me. I really liked the part about Mrs.Carson when she stopped Ryan from complaining, like she knew that Ryan was about to. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up and you will have a really great story that people will enjoy to read.
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