i need some help on thinking of a better title but here is the poem
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Here I sit ignored each day.
Who am I to be seen.
I wait in the shadows to be discovered.
He never comes to my rescue.
She's in the spotlight, always noticed and seen.
I'm just a prop to the stage.
He watches her through those big brown eyes.
Catching every motion, he's amazed.
While staring at the tilip he passes the rose every time.
Her heart is taken but does he care?
He tries to win her but is oblivious to what is right there.
Soon he sees me.
We laugh and talk, argue and joke.
Finally its my turn to shine.
Looking into those big brown eyes melts my heart.
His warm embrace send chills through my body.
Now it's more than just a friendship.
We both hold a heart and will cherish it forever.
The touch of his lips against mine is heaven.
I'm on Cloud 9 dancing and singing with joy.
My life is complete.
I had my time in the spotlight.
No empty spaces inside.
A smile is plastered on my face each and every day.
~~Judi
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please criticize harshly
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Get some flow into this poem so the reader can read it nicely without having to stop at harsh words.
thnx ill keep all that stuff in mind
It is very simple and not to new. The sructure does need work, but I'm sure you can do it. Don't worry, we all start somewhere. Keep trying.
I agree with Chandni, there really isn't any flow to this or pattern.
As for the subject of the poem, it isn't new. Try to make the reader connect with "I" and feel the same feelings that "I" feels, rather than just telling us what is happening. When one reads a poem, one wants to feel emotion and be able to take something away from it. We want to relate, and feel some emotion. I got none of that from this poem.
Try writing a poem with one specific emotion in mind, and try to write it so that the reader feels the same.
Again, it would do better with structure, otherwise this is very free verse. People who are new to poetry should try to work with patterns of rhyme and rhythm.
As Chandni said, read poetry. That will help you the most, read poetry, and see what kinds of words they use, and how they describe things.
Hope this helped.
Okay here I go...
I guess you intended to add a question-mark here?
I first wasn't sure what a "tilip" was but seeing there was "rose" in the sentence I was pretty sure you meant "tulip"
Well overall, this subject is nothing new to me and hasn't quite effected me in any way, seeing nothing really caught my eye
But hey read some poetry on the site and try something different
Cheerios, Chandni